


A Crown of Gold, A Heart That's Harder Than Stone

by fookinglousers



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Anxiety Disorder, Barebacking, Bottom Harry, Bottom Louis, Closeted Character, Coming Out, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Lovers, Fluffy Ending, Harry is a shit, Homophobic Slurs, Lots of Angst, M/M, Mentioned suicide, Niall isn't in this much rip, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Relationship(s), Regret, Rimming, SO FLUFFY, Secret Relationship, Secrets, Soz, Top Harry, Top Louis, Triggers, Yikes, i feel like i'm spoiling, i'm not sorry about it, like really good, listen, louis really hates harry ok, of course, or was, past suicide attempts, they kind of share that, zayn is a really good friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-21
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-05-15 09:41:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 54,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5781001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fookinglousers/pseuds/fookinglousers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis Tomlinson has a great life far, far away from his home in London. But a phone call from his mother changes everything and before he knows it, he's diving head first into a past he'd rather forget with people he can't.</p><p>“You’re back.” Are the first words out of his mouth, the first words he’s spoken to Louis in over two years.</p><p>Louis glares hard at the man in front of him. He wants nothing more than to hit him square between the eyes and call it a night. God knows he needs to. But he doesn’t, keeps his hands at his sides, and gives a curt nod.</p><p>Harry scrubs a hand down his face, rings glistening and exhaustion present, and meets Louis’ eyes again. He takes him in, all of the changes. Two years. He’s taller, taller than Louis. His hair is longer, his jaw more prominent, his features harder. He has tattoos, more than before. He’s a man, now.</p><p>“God, Lou…” And no. Nope.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Calm and Reposed

**Author's Note:**

> "Wow, Maggs, you're so good at summaries." Shut up. Anyways, this is something I've been working on for about two months now and I'm just now getting it up. Despite the summary/tags, I hope you give it a go and maybe even like it.
> 
> Come find me on [tumblr!](https://hansolostyles.tumblr.com/)
> 
>  
> 
> The title is from the song The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot by Brand New

 

It’s been twenty four months, seven hundred thirty days exactly, since Louis’ been home. He left London, heading for the states. Seattle, to be exact. He’d had it planned since he was thirteen. He’d never wanted to stay in London after he’d graduated and his mum had agreed, giving him a ticket to Washington one night last fall. But now he was back. He honestly hadn’t planned on coming back this soon. But the phone call he’d received one night had him changing his plans as soon as he’d hung up, booking a flight to England not but ten minutes later and packing everything he’d collected over the years.

It was his mum, sobbing on the other end as soon as he’d picked up the phone at ten that evening.

“Mum? What is it?” He shot up in bed instantly, as soon as he heard the first shuddering breath on the other end.

“Oh, Lou,” Jay choked out. “It’s Mark.”

Louis was panicking at this point, scrambling around for his laptop to book a flight.

“What happened, mum? Is Mark all right?” He rushed, booting up his computer.

He heard another choked gasp before she said, “He’s- he’s left me.”

And that was it. Louis had decided to come home even after Jay insisted she was all right. Lottie was in London, she’d be there in the morning. But Louis was adamant, shushing her and telling her he’d be home in a few days.

And now here he is, standing in the airport waiting for his sister. It was chilly outside; rain falling in buckets on the mid November day and Louis suddenly missed his home in Seattle.

It wasn’t that he hadn’t missed his mum and Lotts and Fizz and everyone else but it’s just, Seattle was _his_ space. It was where he could do what he wanted, be who he wanted, say what he wanted. It was a stark contrast to London and his life he’d left behind. His life he’d wanted so desperately to escape when he was younger, confused and alone.

Shaking those thoughts off, he feels a hand clasp his shoulder and he whirls around, Lottie’s grinning face greeting him.

“Welcome home, Tosser.” Is his greeting before he pulls her into a hug, ignoring the groans of protest she’s putting off.

When he pulls away, finally, he smiles at her. She’s got bright pink in the front of her hair now, her makeup slightly more dramatic than he’d last seen, but she still looks almost exactly the same as she did when he left.

“I’ve missed you.” He says as he reaches down to grab his bags.

Lottie smiles, helping him haul his things to the car with a huff. “I’ve missed you, too.” Off handedly, almost as if she doesn’t mean to let it slip, she says, “We all have.” And Louis knows who the _we_ is she’s talking about.

He pauses briefly, hand lingering over his red luggage, and meets her eyes. “No.”

And she drops it, just like that. Louis is thankful.

-

“Oh, Lou,” Comes his mother’s greeting as soon as he steps into their small cottage. He meets her halfway, wraps her up in a hug and squeezes tightly. She smells like home.

“Hi, mum.”

She’s crying then and suddenly Lottie comes from behind them, shushing his mother comfortingly and sending Louis a withering glance as she rubs Jay’s shuddering back.

When she pulls it together, she offers tea. They’re all sat in the kitchen nook, round the table, tea in hand.

“Where’re the rest of the lot?” He asks, taking a sip from his mug. _His_ mug. He can’t believe she’s still got his mug. He can’t believe he’s drinking from it.

Jay makes a noncommittal motion with her small hand. “Fizz is at her boyfriend’s, the twins are at a sleepover.”

Louis hums over his mug.

“So, Lou,” Lottie starts, trailing a finger over her peach colored mug. “How’s it feel to be back?”

Louis smirks. “I’ve only been here officially for five hours.”

“Don’t be a tosser, Louis! Answer the question.” And Louis knows why she’s asking. Lottie has been wanting him to move back home since the day he landed in Seattle. He misses his sister, but she just doesn’t understand.

“It’s fine, Lotts. Familiar.” He shrugs, not missing the sad eyes his mom makes. She misses him too, but he can’t stay any longer than a month. He won’t.

-

He calls Zayn the next day after tea.

“Louis! Are you here?”

“I’m here, Z.”

Shuffling, and then, “I’m coming over. We’re going out.”

 

So that’s that and Louis is sitting in Zayn’s car twenty minutes later on the way to a pub with the music blaring. Just like old times. And just like old times, they scream along with stupid grins.

 

It’s crowded. Zayn has his hand on Louis’ lower back guiding him towards the bar, while simultaneously warding off any strangers. Louis missed this a little too. Zayn’s over protective but well-meaning ways.

Zayn leans in, lips brushing Louis’ ear, hand still sat comfortably on his back. “What do you want to drink, Lou?”

And Louis is taken back to the times when they were younger, stumbling through Zayn’s home and trying to keep quiet, lips crashing together, inexperienced hands fumbling over skin, hushed moans lost in the darkness of Zayn’s room. The morning afters, where Zayn made Louis tea, where they sat on the couch quietly, movies playing in the background but neither paying too close attention, too busy wondering what this all means.

Zayn was how Louis had come to know that he was definitely very gay. And Louis had been how Zayn had come to realize that he didn’t care what gender his partner was, as long as they were both happy.

“Just a beer, please.” He responds, and Zayn nods, pulls back, and ushers Louis to a barstool before sitting down next to him.

“So,” Zayn says after he orders their beers. “How’ve you been?”

Louis shrugs. “I’ve been fine. Seattle has been good to me and I’m missing it already, really.”

Zayn seems momentarily displeased but schools himself quickly enough. “I’ve missed you.”

Louis smiles slightly, reaches a hand and places it on Zayn’s thigh. “I missed you too, babe. Now, can we or can we not get completely fucked tonight?”

And then they’re back at it, bullshitting and drinking everything down.

It isn’t long after that that Louis’ phone pings in his pocket and he pulls it out, frowning at the number on the screen. It’s a picture message from an unknown number.

He opens it and frowns deeper at the sight. It’s a picture of himself and Zayn, taken from a distance so it’s a bit grainy, but you can see Louis himself leaning over, hand on Zayn’s leg, fond smile on his lips that matches Zayn’s. To an outsider, they look like they’re together. A happy couple. Louis glances around, looking for anyone familiar and failing.

Zayn notices, of course, and frowns. “What’s up?”

Louis shakes his head and glances back down at his phone, the picture, before showing Zayn.

“The fuck?” Zayn mumbles, peering around the bar just as Louis’ did.

Louis shakes his head again and shrugs, utterly confused.

“We should go.” Zayn says, eyebrows furrowed, beer in his fist. He looks almost intimidating, Louis thinks.

Louis stands, sways a little, and holds up a finger to a wary Zayn.

“I’ve got to piss first.” He says, before stepping away, only to be caught by Zayn’s hand.

“Do you need me to go with you?” He asks.

Louis rolls his eyes so hard he can swear he sees his brain before yanking his arm from Zayn’s grip. “I’m not a damsel in distress, Z. I think I can manage unless you wanna hold my dick for me?” He raises a brow and it’s Zayn’s turn to roll his eyes before he waves Louis off.

He does his business rather quickly, washing his hands before he steps out of the bathroom in time to see a familiar blonde walk into the ladies room. His insides twist up and he grips the wall, a little shocked. After a moment, he steadies himself and makes to walk back to the bar, out of the small hallway, when he’s gripped by the arm yet again.

“God damnit, Zayn.” He mutters, turning around.

It’s not Zayn, though, and before he can stop, he’s being pulled into a small closet and crowded against a wall.

“You’re back.” Are the first words out of his mouth, the first words he’s spoken to Louis in over two years.

Louis glares hard at the man in front of him. He wants nothing more than to hit him square between the eyes and call it a night. God knows he needs to. But he doesn’t, keeps his hands at his sides, and gives a curt nod.

Harry scrubs a hand down his face, rings glistening and exhaustion present, and meets Louis’ eyes again. He takes him in, all of the changes. Two years. He’s taller, taller than Louis. His hair is longer, his jaw more prominent, his features harder. He has tattoos, more than before. He’s a man, now.

“God, Lou…” And no. Nope.

Louis holds a hand up before crossing his arms defiantly, and if looks could kill, he knows Harry would drop dead right now. “Let me just stop you there.” And Harry frowns. Louis tries to control a smirk. “No. No, Harry. You don’t shove me into a goddamn closet and “God, Lou” me. Just no.”

Harry’s face goes steely as he says, “You’re with Zayn.”

And something clicks in Louis’ mind. Maybe, probably, definitely, Harry sent that picture. Asshole.

Louis straightens. “I’m here with Zayn, yes. I’m not _with_ Zayn, and if I was, it isn’t any of your business.” Harry flinches and Louis counts that as a victory. “None of this is any of your business.”

Harry opens his mouth to say something and Louis interrupts. “No, we’re done here. I was honestly hoping to never see you again. Can we just get out of here? You can go back to your girlfriend and I can go back to enjoying my night with my best mate.”

Harry grimaces at the mention of his girlfriend. “You better not say shit to her, Louis.” And if Louis was any other person, he might be intimidated. But he isn’t.

“Don’t tell me what to do, first off.” He makes to move past Harry, but is pushed back against the wall rather roughly.

“I mean it, Louis. Stop acting like a bitch.” Harry all but growls and Jesus he’s drunk.

Louis shoves him off with remarkable force before running a hand over his shirt, straightening it and then glaring at Harry with complete revulsion. “And _I_ mean it, Harry. Delete my fucking number. Do not _ever_ , under any circumstances, put your goddamn hands on me again. And for god’s sake, clean yourself up. You look like complete shit.” And with that, he steps passed Harry with a hard push of his shoulder and leaves the small closet, taking a deep breath before finding Zayn.

-

When they get into Zayn’s car, Louis tells him what happens. Which was maybe a mistake because Zayn is livid. He’s shaking, even.

“What a fucking asshole. Jesus I can’t believe him. Actually, you know what, I can.” Zayn sneers, turning onto his street. “God, he hasn’t changed at all. Fucking prick. He’s lucky you didn’t tell me while we were still there or so help me god, Louis..”

Louis places a hand on Zayn’s bicep, squeezing lightly. “I know, Z. It’s fine, really.” He says softly and Zayn meets his eye. His stomach does something akin to folding inside out when he looks into Zayn’s amber eyes.

It’s like every memory of them together comes flooding back and it’s familiar and it’s home and it’s Zayn. It’s before all of the bad, where everything was sunshine and rainbows in Louis’ life, where all he needed was Zayn and his family. When he was younger and happy and naïve. Before Harry, maybe. If he had to pinpoint a time frame in which he changed, it’d be after he met Harry.

But Zayn, Zayn always made Louis happy. Zayn was home.

So, he kisses him.

And Zayn kisses him back as if he was expecting this.

And before Louis knows it, they’re stripping their clothes in his small bedroom and they’re sixteen again as Zayn slides into Louis with practiced skill in a way that he knows drives Louis crazy. It’s not clumsy like it was years ago and Zayn’s body has changed since he last saw him naked, and Louis loves it. He comes with Zayn’s name on his lips and a shudder, Zayn following after in the same manner and they fall asleep together, Zayn hugging Louis from behind, soft breaths fanning Louis’ neck.

And Louis dreams that night but not of amber eyes. He dreams of milky white skin, splattered with dark ink like a canvas, of wild forest green eyes and a mess of unruly curls. He sleeps, but it’s a restless sleep and he’s exhausted when he wakes.

-

“So, about last night.” Is the first thing out of Zayn’s mouth when Louis walks into the kitchen that morning, clad in briefs and nothing else, Zayn matching.

He suppresses a groan because truthfully, he doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t want to think about the happenings of last night and why he felt so vulnerable to sleep with his best mate, again.

“Zayn...” He trails, crinkling his eyebrows.

Zayn puts a hand up to stop Louis, and he obliges with a sigh.

“I think we both got caught up in the moment.” Comes Zayn’s reply and Louis is actually a little stunned. He thought this was going to be more complicated.

“Oh.”

“Lou, it was good. Really good. But I don’t think it’s the best idea to just, sleep with my best mate anymore, you know?”

And wait a second.

“Z, I totally agree and I’m so glad we’re on the same page. But, are you leaving something out here?” He says, smirk on his lips and wait a second.

Wait. A. Second.

Is Zayn actually blushing?

“Well,” Zayn starts, avoiding Louis’ eyes at all cost. Louis is amused. “I may have met someone.”

“Zayn! Who?” Louis’ all ears now, setting his mug of tea down and clasping his hands over the counter, eyes trained on Zayn’s uncomfortable posture as he fiddles with a string on his briefs.

He sighs and finally meets Louis’ ice blue eyes. “His name is Liam and he owns a flower shop.” He sighs again, runs a hand through his wild hair and says, “He’s wonderful, Lou.”

Louis feels guilt pool in his stomach and frowns. “I’m sorry, Zayn. Have I messed up entirely?”

Zayn shakes his head immediately. “Not at all, Lou. We aren’t, like, a thing yet. Or anything, really. I’ve only spoken to him a few times, actually.” And he’s blushing again.

Well, Zayn’s got a crush.

Adorable.

Louis grins, hopping down from Zayn’s horribly tall barstool and places his hands on his hips. “Well, lucky you, I fancy a trip to the flower shop.”

 

 

Liam is sweet. Painfully, undoubtedly sweet. And Louis is sold as soon as they step inside of the shop, Liam’s bright smile greeting them. He can practically feel Zayn melting into a puddle next to him. Louis buys a bouquet of Sunflowers, white daisies, and purple Monte Casino Asters that Liam says will brighten anyone’s day. Louis takes his word for it because Liam smiles and the sun shines a little brighter and really, who is Louis to say no?

Louis lingers a little longer than necessary and apparently Zayn comes in more than he let on because Liam knows his flower preference by now and he even has a tab open. Basically, he’s utterly in love with this guy and Louis doesn’t blame him, really.

After that, Zayn drops Louis off back at his mother’s, bouquet in hand, with a kiss to the cheek.

He steps into the doorway and is met with the smell of baked goods. Following the smell, he floats into the kitchen and sees his mother bent over the stove, checking on whatever she’s got in there, brow creased in concentration.

“Mum,” He says, and Jay starts slightly, jerking up from the stove.

“Lou, where were you last night? I was worried sick!” She pauses, eyes trailing to the flowers in his hand and back up. “What are those?”

Louis smiles lopsidedly and holds them out as he steps forward. He knows he looks like shit, needs a shower and fresh clothes, but his mum doesn’t acknowledge that as she takes the flowers in hand, small confused smile on her face.

“I love you, Mum. You deserve flowers always, you know. You deserve so much.”

And Jay pulls him into a hug with a watery laugh, cursing him for making her cry.

“I love you, too, Lou.”

She pulls back and her smile falters a little.

“What is it?” He asks, furrowing his brow.

“We’re having guests.” She says, straightens up, and turns her back to him without meeting his eyes.

“Mum.” He says, arms now empty and he suddenly feels very out of place.

Jay doesn’t turn around, only keeps fussing over the flowers. Louis steps up beside her and she seemingly flinches.

“Mum,” He tries again. “Who’s coming over?”

Jay sighs heavily and turns towards him, leveling his gaze as the words slip out. “Anne, Robin and Gemma.”

Louis feels like he’s been punched in the gut. Things are falling into place now.

“So you’ve kept in touch, then?” He chokes out. He feels like he needs to gasp for air, feels like he’s drowning.

Jay turns again but this time she’s staring at the counter in front of her, guilt across her features as though she’s about to confirm Louis’ worst fears.

“Yes, Louis. I’ve spoken a bit to Anne.”

“And-and what about.” He takes a breath. “What about Harry?” And he has to force himself to get the name out. The name he hasn’t said to anyone else in over two years. Not even last night to Zayn. But he’d never admit that he used to stay awake at night, sobbing and saying that very name over and over, cursing him and anyone else related.

Jay only nods and that’s all the confirmation Louis needs. He sucks in a breath and steels himself. He feels _deceived_ by his own family. He can’t believe this.

He spins around and swiftly leaves the kitchen, ignoring his mother’s calls. He slams the door to his old bedroom and falls onto the bed. Things are making sense now. How Harry knew he was back, how Harry got his number, why his mother would act so odd when he would explain for the hundredth time why he did not want anything to do with that boy. She’d left it alone after about six months and then Louis left. And not another word was ever uttered about Harry Styles again. Louis knew coming here there was a chance of running into him, but London was so big. He hadn’t dwelled on it and now he’s regretting his decision. Apparently, he wasn’t even safe in his own home.

He groaned into the mattress, suppressing the memories of when Harry had been on this very bed with him, naked and writhing. Louis hates himself. But he hates Harry even more. He hasn’t anything against Anne or Gemma or even Robin, though. Aside from the fact that they are in immediate relation to Lucifer himself. But he supposes they can’t help that and maybe need some guidance as to how to get him out of their lives too. He can help them with that, give pointers and what not.

He stands from the bed and glances into the full length mirror in front of him, taking in his disheveled state and sighing.

“I am a twenty three year old man, for god’s sake. Pull it together, Louis.” And with that, he hauls himself into the shower and scrubs away any remnant of last night’s mistakes.

He dresses in a red sweater and black jeans, slicks his hair back, and steps out of his room.

His mum is in the kitchen still, this time pulling everything out of the oven and setting dishes. She eyes him warily as he takes the dishes and sets them for her.

There’s a knock at the door before she can question him, thank god, and she bustles off to let everyone in.

It’s surreal, really, the moment that Anne and Robin step into his mother’s house with Gemma in tow. He didn’t think he’d ever see this sight again. He watches as his mother hugs Anne and kisses her cheek, pulls Robin in and Gemma next, all flushed cheeks and smiles, and he feels a smile turn up on his lips, too. She doesn’t look like the woman who called him just days ago.

He supposes that’s where he got his gift of masking himself so well that everyone around is oblivious of his inner turmoil.

Anne’s eyes skitter across the room as Jay motions towards him, a wary look on her face as if to say “don’t act like an idiot, please,” and she smiles.

Louis smiles back, setting down his final fork and walking over to them, pulling Anne into a hug.

She squeezes him a little hard and smiles into his hair.

“Lou,” She says, hushed, as if it’s just between them. “I’ve missed you.”

And he hugs her a little tighter before they break apart, Anne’s wide smile still in place as she steps back. Robin slaps him on the back, his own smile in place and then there’s Gemma. She gives Louis an almost guilty smile and she knows. Of course she knows. Louis wonders who all in this room knows his most personal secret as Gemma hugs him.

He breathes in her perfume, closes his eyes, and smiles. But when he opens them again, he halts, rigid in Gemma’s arms for seconds.

Because there, in his mother’s front doorway, in his fucking home, is Harry goddamn Styles.

He closes his eyes again, pulls Gemma a little tighter and Louis would like to think Gemma knows why. Gemma understands what a complete and utter twat her brother is, because she holds him just as tight and whispers, “I’m sorry.”

They break apart and Louis glances over to his mother as she hugs Harry as though nothing at all is out of place and Louis holds back a scoff. This all feels very juvenile. He wonders briefly what his life has come to as Jay lets Harry go and his green eyes drift over to where Louis is. He realizes that Gemma has clasped his hand in hers and he’s thankful. He breaks eye contact and peers over at Gemma, giving her a small smile and getting one in return before he pulls her along to the kitchen, away from everyone else.

 

Gemma pulls her hand away gently and puts a dainty hand on Louis’ shoulder.

“Louis,” She sighs. “We’ve all missed you, y’know.”

He sends her a self-deprecating smile and says, “So I’ve heard.”

Gemma’s eyes widen briefly before she schools herself and clears her throat. “So you’ve spoken to him?” She asks lowly.

Louis does scoff this time. “I don’t know if I’d say we’ve ‘spoken’, more like he stalked me and forced me into a closet.” And Louis almost smirks at the irony of the last part of his sentence, and he would have if the thought didn’t still sting him deep in his chest.

Gemma balks and shakes her head, clearly unaware of her brother’s actions. She sighs and places a hand on Louis’ forearm, eyes open and sincere and damn has Louis missed Gemma.

“I’m here, Lou. For as long as you’re here, I’m here.” And she says it so surely that Louis can’t help but nod and Gemma pulls him into another hug, apologizing on Harry’s behalf and for the fact that he’s here tonight.

“It’s all right.” He runs a hand down his face before adding, “Don’t think too ill of me if I excuse myself early, though.” And forces a smile that doesn’t meet his eyes.

Gemma sees through it. Of course.

“I’ve got you.”

 

-

For the most part through dinner, Gemma sticks true to her word. She takes the seat next to Louis before anyone else can and makes sure that Anne sits in front of him, gesturing subtly to let her know, that way Louis is not in direct eyesight of Harry. Which. It sort of works. He wouldn’t know, he isn’t looking for Harry.

In fact, he pointedly ignores him. Blatantly. And he hopes, wishes that Harry catches on and is irritated about it. Because good.

Fuck him.

Louis does make pleasant conversation with everyone else though, laughing at all of Gemma’s stories of her Uni antics and grinning widely at Anne as she praises his mother’s dinner, toasts to new beginnings, talks footie with Robin who is more than pleased that Louis has been keeping up with all of their teams while he’s been in the states.

The night moves along swimmingly and before he knows it, his mother is rushing off to grab the lemon drizzle she’d whipped up earlier. And now Louis is alone with the Styles’ family and it’s eerily familiar. He feels itchy. His throat, his eyes, his skin is just. Just itchy. He feels it, is the thing.

He feels Harry’s stormy eyes trained on him from across the table, in the seat next to Robin. He hates it.

Can’t he just, just stop? Just leave Louis alone like Louis wants.

He sighs audibly, earning a glance from Gemma. She raises a questioning eyebrow and Louis just shrugs. He listens as Robin and Anne discuss Robin’s record label, the new business flowing in and how Robin’s looking for the Next Up and Coming starlet.

Louis pretends. He pretends he’s listening but he isn’t. Because Harry is there, leaning back in his dark wooden chair that Louis’ mother has had since he was a toddler, arms across his chest, staring.

Louis has half a mind to jump up and scream _What do you want from me?_   But he refrains and Jay is bustling back into the dining area, cake in hand, cheery eyed.  Louis will have to hold her later, he thinks. He’ll have to let her just cry a little. God knows she needs it.

Louis politely declines his mother’s cake, much to her chagrin, and excuses himself off, saying goodnight to everyone before he bounds up the stairs, taking them two at a time.

He closes the door to the restroom and leans on the counter, a sigh escaping his lips. He’s tightly wound right now, irritation and something else, something deeper, pumping through his bones and seeping through his pores. He’s just so tired.

He dries his hands after washing them, throwing some water onto his too hot face. Just as he’s hanging the magenta colored towel back up, the bathroom door pops open.

And of course, of bloody course it’s Harry. Because who else?

Honestly.

Their eyes meet in the mirror; Harry’s hand is seemingly glued to the brass door knob, mouth half open as if he didn’t know Louis was in here. _As if he didn’t know_.

Louis almost scoffs. If Harry is anything, has ever been anything, he’s a great performer. Maybe it’s because he’s absolutely brilliant at lying through his teeth. Maybe not.

But probably.

Louis breaks the eye contact first, setting the towel back where it goes and mentally making a note of talking to his mother about the color scheme of her bathroom because _really_. He doesn’t look at Harry as he grabs the door knob on the other side, pulling it so that Harry falters, almost falls, and he counts that as a victory.

He moves to pass Harry but is stopped.

How many times does he have to tell him?

He huffs, rips his arm from Harry’s paws and turns, crossing his arms.

He meets Harry’s gaze. “What?” And it’s really more of a statement than a question.

Harry swallows, Adam’s apple bobbing, hand still on the door knob.

Louis makes to leave again but is pulled back into the bathroom and is shoved against the now shut door. He’s literal inches from Harry’s face. Harry, who apparently still has not figured out what personal space means. Three years ago, he’d of been endeared. Now he’s just fucking annoyed.

“What the fuck are you doing?” He growls, placing his hands on Harry’s chest to shove. “Have we not talked about this?” And he shoves. Harry, the fucking giant he is, doesn’t even budge. Fucking great. He grits his teeth, shifts his gaze and refuses to look at this idiot in front of him. He’s getting a sense of Deja vu, and he hates it. Twice in forty eight hours. Jesus.

“God, Lou,” Harry breathes and Louis fucking hates his body for reacting the way it does. “You look fucking amazing.”

Louis rolls his eyes, despite his hard dick, and scoffs. “Fuck off.”

“Louis, come on.” Is Harry’s response. As if Louis’ supposed to submit or something.

“Harry, no. Get the fuck away and leave me alone.” He mutters, arms still crossed like a petulant child and eyes still boring a hole into the floor.

“I miss you, Lou.” Harry whispers. “So fucking much. I’m sorry, okay? A thousand times sorry.”

A thousand times.  It echoes through his chest, knocks his breath out of him.

_“I love you, Lou. And thousand times over and a thousand times more, I love you.”_

He sucks in a sharp breath and shakes his head before he even realizes he’s reacting. “No.”

And he doesn’t glance up to see the look on Harry’s face. He doesn’t care, because Harry’s backing up then, giving Louis enough space to open the door and rush out, slamming his behind him.

And this time, he locks it.


	2. Secondhand Smoke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We learn a little about their past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy! (:
> 
>  
> 
> Tumblr: rimminharry

Louis doesn't like to think about it a lot; the time that he and Harry were, well, _whatever_ they were. Being away from home made him almost forget anything ever damaged him so badly. But now he's back and the past has been in his face more than he'd like. It's been two days since the Styles-Twist family came over and it's been a long two days, at that. He'd rather not remember how close Harry was to him, how piercing his eyes were or how he smelled of just a hint of Hugo Boss or the way his shirt rode up his hip, revealing tattoos Louis hasn't seen. He'd just rather not remember anything, really. But being that close to Harry has Louis' mind whirling with memories and it hurts, is the thing. It hurts to remember the pain he felt, the betrayal he'd faced at the hands of someone he cared for, someone he _loved_. Someone who'd said that they loved him, too. 

He'd moved on from that years ago. He was a new man now, stronger than before.  

The thing about the past Louis was, he'd been naive. He'd believed every word that had been whispered in the darkness, limbs tangled and breaths labored. 

And the thing about Harry was, he'd lied. About everything. 

And now Louis hates him. He hates him so much it hurts. It hurts his chest and it aches deep in his bones, shakes him to his core. He can't help but regret meeting Harry in sixth form, regret saying hello to that gorgeously awkward stranger who hadn't yet grown into his lanky limbs. He regrets inviting him over for lad's night and laughing at his stupid knock knock jokes. He regrets the endless nights they'd lied awake under the stars on Harry's trampoline, whispering about their futures and whether they'd be best friends in five years. He regrets kissing him on his front porch while the rain poured around them after they'd confessed their feelings for one another. He regrets ever letting the words "I love you" slip from his mouth as they lay together in Harry's rumpled sheets, panting. But mostly, he regrets believing Harry when he said it back. 

After another restless sleep, he climbs out of his too small bed and slips into the shower. He blocks the incessant thoughts of He Who Shall Not Be Named away and hums some Whitney Houston while the soap suds slide down his frame. After dressing in his best sweats and aiming for a look that says "I don't give a fuck", he trails downstairs where his mother and all four of his sisters are. Jay is cooking and Louis wonders when she ever sleeps, if ever. Lottie and Fizzy are on their phones and Daisy and Phoebe are painting each other's nails. He smiles a small smile before joining his littlest sisters who grin brightly at him from their spot on the carpet. Louis thinks this is dangerous, imagines the absolute nightmare nail polish will be to get off of the carpet, but doesn't mention it to the girls. He'll clean it up. 

"Lou! Can we paint your nails?" Daisy asks, smiling sweetly and Louis has to laugh because she knows how to get what she wants. She learned from the best, he supposes with a smile.

"Oh please, Lou, can we?" Phoebe pouts. "This baby pink would be absolutely to die for on your skin tone!" 

And okay, they've been spending too much time with Lottie, he thinks. He'll have to take them out for some footie later on. 

He sighs, smiles slightly and nods. "Have at it girls. It's been too long since I've had a proper spa day." 

They both squeal and each one goes for five different colors at once. He's missed this. Bonding with your sisters is hard when you're five thousand miles away. He took them for granted when he lived here, always complaining about how annoying they were. But now he just misses them and wants to spend as much time with them as possible. He knows this whole separation is going to be hard on them. They've never seen their mother and Mark like this before and Louis knows he'll have to be here for all of the girls, Jay included. He's only got three weeks left here and he's going to make them count. 

After his finger nails, and part of his fingers, are sufficiently painted in an array of colors, the girls thank him for letting them play with him and he kisses them both on the cheek before slipping into the kitchen to see his mother. 

She's sitting at the dark wood stained table, red mug between her hands, staring out the double back doors with a vacant, almost resigned look across her face. She looks like a ghost of the previous days' woman; her large sweater is pooling where it meets her thighs, her hands are a bit shaky as they lift the mug to her lips and her cheeks look more hollow. This isn't his mother, this is a shell. She's been through so much shit and Louis can't help but admire that she tries to mask it all for the well-being of her children. 

"Mum," He murmurs, startling his mother not for the first time. She turns and attempts to brighten her features, pushing her hair back from her face and sitting up straight. Louis doesn't buy it for a second. "Are you all right?"

She feigns confusion, her dark brows creasing her forehead as she says, "I'm fine, boo. How are you?" 

Louis sighs and steps to her chair, placing a hand over her shoulder and it's then that he realizes she's lost a little weight. "No, mum. I mean, are you _really_ all right?"

Jay falters for a second before smiling again, softly this time. "I'm really okay, Lou. Just a little tired." 

He still doesn't believe her, but he lets it rest for now, not wanting to push his mother. He rounds the table and sits across from her, glancing out the windowed doors. It's raining, of course. The droplets are pittering against the windows quietly and he closes his eyes for a second before opening them again and peering over at his mother. She's watching him. 

"I'm sorry, by the way." She says, running a finger of the rim of her mug. 

"For what?" Louis asks, brows creased. 

Jay sighs and sips her tea before meeting his eyes. "The whole Harry thing. I shouldn't have done that. I guess I wasn't quite thinking right and-"

"Mum, it's fine." He interrupts, waving her off. 

"It isn't though, Lou, and I know that." She sighs again. "I know I don't know the whole story, but I know enough. I do truly apologize for inviting them over." 

Louis shakes his head, done with this conversation, glances outside again. "It's okay." 

"Louis," Jay says and something in her tone is firm, making him meet her gaze. "I just want you to know that I love you. You are so brave and so kind and so caring and I am so glad that I get to call myself your mother." She places a hand over his, running her thumb over his skin. 

He feels his eyes prickle and he grabs her hand, smile watery. "I love you, too. And I get every single good trait I've got from you. I'm the lucky one, here." 

Jay shakes her head, wipes away a few tears before she pulls her hand back from his and laughs. 

"Lou, dear, why on earth do your nails look as if a unicorn threw up across them?"

Louis barks a laugh and pulls his hand back, blushing. "I let Phoebs and Daisy paint them." 

Jay hums in understanding, laughing as she gets up from her chair and offers him a cup of tea. 

He's missed this. 

 

-

Louis loves Zayn. Louis loves Zayn _a lot_. That's why he's currently stood in front of rows and rows of fucking flowers waiting for Zayn to get done flirting with Liam. When Zayn suggested they hang out, Louis agreed, of course. When Zayn suggested they go out, Louis thought, sure, why not? When Zayn pulled up in front of the flower shop, Louis hit him. 

He's nauseated by now as he listens to the hopeless flirting being done at the till. Zayn's leant over, elbows propped up on the counter top and a love sick smile across his lips. Liam is blushing, batting his eyes as Zayn compares him to a sunflower and Louis swears to God he'll throw up right over these Gerbera Daisies if this continues any longer. 

Honestly, it's like watching a fucking cheesy romance movie play out right in front of him. He sighs, pulls his phone out of his pocket as he figures this could go on all night and opens his Instagram app when he sees he's gotten a notification. He groans when he opens it. 

Lottie has tagged him in a picture of him and the twins as he gets his nails painted. She's captioned it "Spa Day" and really, Louis despises her. He's about to comment something saying just as much when he sees a familiar name across the bottom of the photo. 

 _harry_styles and 47 others like this_ it reads and now Louis really is nauseous. 

He pockets his phone, making a mental note of asking Lottie just exactly why she even has Harry on her Instagram and glances up in time to see Liam giving Zayn his number. 

"Fucking finally." He mumbles to himself and the red daisies in front of him. 

 

After they part ways with Liam, whom Louis' come to realize is an actual puppy in human form, Louis hits Zayn one more time for good measure before showing him the Instagram situation. Zayn is displeased, to say the least.

"I fucking hate him." 

Maybe a little more than displeased, then. 

"Why the hell is he even on Lottie's page?" He asks the same question Louis has been thinking. 

"Charlotte doesn't know what happened, Zayn." Louis points out. 

Zayn shakes his head. "I still think the whole world should know what that fucker did to you, Louis." 

Louis sighs. He agrees but doesn't respond. He remembers when it all happened so vividly and how Zayn was there for him from the very first day. Zayn was the first to know the whole story and Zayn was the first and only to hate Harry just as much as Louis did. If not more. 

"I don't want to talk about it." Is his response, and they don't and he maybe really loves Zayn.

Even if he is hopeless when it comes to a certain doe-eyed florist.

-

After much resistance on Louis' part, Zayn finally convinced him to come out and have dinner with a few of the lads from sixth form. Louis was nervous. He hadn't spoken to anyone from school aside from Zayn and for good reason, too. He sighs as they pull up in front of a mediocre Thai place, stepping out with Zayn. He follows him in, inhaling the aroma and maybe he's a little more hungry than he thought.

He sees a familiar head of blonde hair as they round a corner, heading towards a booth, and he grips onto Zayn's arm, effectively halting his movements. Zayn turns around, eyebrows arched.

"What's wrong?"

Louis knows he must look like a lost child, eyes wide and wary as he mumbles, "Is that Niall?"

A look of realization crosses Zayn's face and he takes Louis' hand in his, eyes soft. "He isn't speaking to him anymore, Lou. Hasn't since a little after you left."

Louis' leery of this, but he knows Zayn wouldn't put him in such an awful situation on purpose. So, he gives a brief nod and they start towards the booth again. There's only about four of them there and they all holler hellos at them as soon as they see the pair. Zayn touches a few knuckles, ever the bro, and takes a seat beside Louis' old friend, Josh. 

They make room for Louis and he sits in close quarters with Zayn, right across from Niall. He meets the blue eyes across from him and nods in acknowledgement before skittering his gaze across the other lads, saying his hellos one by one. It feels nice, he thinks, to sit and banter back and forth with old friends. He misses this. His Seattle friends don't know him as well as the people he grew up with. Which is both a blessing and a curse.

Niall, surprisingly, orders them all a round of beers and it's comfortable. After arguing with Sandy over whether or not Deadpool is better than Batman (he is), he feels someone kick his shin under the table. He glances up at Niall, who's eyes are already trained on him and raises a brow.

Niall leans in, elbows on the table and Louis does the same. "How've you been?"

Louis smiles a little and says, "Really well. You?"

Niall grins wide, nodding once as if he's pleased to hear this. "That's great, Tommo. I've been pretty good, myself, thanks."

He seems genuinely enthused for Louis and this is different, he thinks. A stark contrast from the way things were between him and Niall before he left.

"Good to hear." And Niall smiles and he's possibly the actual sun, the way his face brightens and he seems to make everything else around him shine. Louis doesn't say that though, because he still kind of distrusts him and maybe doesn't like him all that much either. It'll take a while for him to warm up to him, but maybe they'll become friends. Maybe.

After ordering the Pad Thai, he excuses himself to the gents' room, the two beers he downed catching up to him quickly. As he navigates his way to the bathroom, he catches sight of something that makes his stomach curl. She's here. She's blonder than ever, pin straight hair cascading down her back. She tips her head back as she laughs at something the person she's here with says and Louis' blood boils. He turns away quickly, eyeing the short hallway towards the restrooms and bounds for it.

But, as been proven multiple times, the universe hates Louis.

As he walks in, Harry is walking out. They both freeze, eyes meeting.

Louis briefly wonders what would happen if he just spun around and ran straight out the door and all the way home, but figures Zayn probably wouldn't like that too much. He concedes with just averting all eye contact and brushing past Harry into the restrooms. But, because he just can't seem to fuck off, Harry turns around and follows.

Without turning back, Louis says, "Fuck off."

Simple, straight to the point, but Harry is dense and doesn't follow direction well, apparently.

"What is it about bathrooms, huh? Maybe meeting in restrooms will be our always." He says instead and Louis scoffs, slams the stall door and prays to whatever God there is that Harry will burst into flames right this second. 

It doesn't work.

Instead, he waits for Louis to finish his business, leaning against the wall across from the sinks and mirrors and at this point, Louis has become an expert at ignoring him. He washes his hands without looking in the mirror, pulling a towel down and drying them off as he makes for the door. Harry steps into his line of sight a few feet from the exit and he can't help but huff.

"Will you talk to me?" Harry asks and Louis is aghast. That's it, there is no other word to describe how utterly taken back he is in this very fucking moment.

" _Will I talk to you?_ " He repeats, eyes narrowing as he lifts them to meet Harry's forest colored orbs. "Why in the hell would I _ever_ give you the time of day, Harry?"

He watches as Harry's eyes drift across his face, taking in his features and Louis is increasingly annoyed by his presence. He taps a foot, crossing his arms and heaves a sigh.

"I just, I don't know. I thought-" Harry stutters, but Louis interrupts. 

"You thought what Harry?" He spits, his face heating up. "You thought I'd actually agree to _willingly_ be in the same goddamn room with you? You thought I'd want to sit and chat with you over some tea and fucking biscuits? You thought things could back to the way they were before you completely fucked every single good thing up?" He balls his hands into fists at his sides in order to keep himself from hitting Harry. "Well, Styles, you thought wrong. Fuck anything you've thought at all about me. You don't deserve my time. You don't deserve shit." And he shoves him. Hard. 

Harry stumbles backwards, back hitting the door behind him and blocking Louis even more in but he isn't thinking about that now. All he's thinking about is how much he wants to fucking punch Harry Goddamn Styles in the goddamn face. He gets into his face, standing on his tiptoes to level his gaze. His body is too hot and his stomach is swirling around. Harry looks absolutely paralyzed, eyes wide and mouth open slightly as if he can't believe Louis is doing this right now and really? He hadn't seen this coming? Louis' been repressing this for years and damn does it feel good to finally get it out. 

"You must take me for a goddamn fool, Harry." He shoves his finger into Harry's chest. "And maybe I was. But not after you went and fucked me over. Fuck you for even thinking you have the right to talk to me at all after that." 

Harry's mouth opens and closes, resembling a fish, before he finally says, "I'm sorry." 

And Louis can't help it; he laughs. He laughs right in Harry's face. "Fuck you." 

Harry shifts, runs a hand through his curls. "Look, Louis, I was young, okay? I was stupid and young and I regret it so fucking much." 

Louis scoffs. "Welcome to my world, Harry. I regret ever meeting you, daily." 

Harry recoils at that, eyes misting. "I don't." 

Louis needs to get out of this too small bathroom, now. He shoves away from Harry, taking three steps back before motioning for the taller one to move. He has nothing more to say to him, ever. Harry doesn't budge, instead he takes a step towards him. Apparently, he's feeling brave. 

"Give me a chance to talk to you. I just want-" 

"What, Harry? What could you possibly want from me any more than you've already taken?" Louis sneers. 

Harry shakes his head. "I just want to be friends." 

Impossible, Louis thinks. The hatred he feels for the man in front of him runs too deep in his veins to ever be friends. 

"I hate you." 

Harry takes another step. "I want to change that." 

"You can't." 

And now they're mere inches from each other and Louis is itchy. He needs out, _now_. 

"I could try, though. Let me try, Louis." 

"Seeing as how you're too damn embarrassed to even be seen in public with me, I doubt that's possible." Louis spits. "Now, run along to your dear girlfriend. I'm sure she's missing you." He makes a little gesture with his hands and rolls his eyes. 

Harry stays though. "I'm not embarrassed, Louis. I was scared. I'm not like that anymore." 

"Like what, Harry? Homophobic? Straight, like you claimed after fucking me in your bed?"

Harry flinches and says, "Louis, please, just-"

Louis holds up a hand, cutting him off from saying anything further. "Just leave me alone, Harry." 

"I can't." 

And then he's pulling him in tight and pressing his lips to Louis'. Louis grunts, shocked that this is even happening before he tries to wriggle free of Harry's grip, but Harry isn't having it. He moves his lips to Louis' neck instead, holding onto him like he's his prized possession. "Please, Lou," He mumbles into Louis' neck and Louis sighs, hating the way he enjoys the feeling of Harry's lips against his body. It brings back a rush of well suppressed memories. Harry's lips are back on his before he realizes it and this time, he closes his eyes and kisses him back. It's rough and heated and Louis is too hot in his clothes as Harry grips his hips, nipping at his bottom lip. Louis groans and scratches his back in retaliation, arching into Harry when the latter drops his hands from his hips to his ass, squeezing. 

"Harry," He whines, lost in the feeling. 

"Lou, Louis, God. I missed you." Harry murmurs into his mouth and Louis' brought back into reality. Into why this isn't okay. Why Harry missed Louis so much.

He shoves Harry back, wide eyed. "Fuck," He groans. Harry is watching him carefully, lips red and glistening, eyes dark. "Fuck." 

Harry makes a move towards him again but Louis almost screams. "Just, don't. Leave me the hell alone. For good this time." 

When he leaves the restroom, everything is as it was before. The lads are laughing lightly at a story Niall's telling, arms flailing about. Zayn raises a brow at him but he only shakes his head. He will definitely not be sharing this with him later. Doesn't want to hear about what an idiot he is for kissing Harry back. 

God, he kissed Harry. Jesus Christ, what is wrong with him? 

How could he let him get to him like this? After two and a half fucking years. 

He can feel Harry's gaze burning a hole into him from across the restaurant. He refuses to look his way. His body is still itchy and hot and he just wants to yell and hit something. 

Louis regrets a lot of things. But the thing he regrets most is Harry.

 


	3. Standing Trial For Your Sins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning for this chapter: homophobic slurs and mentions of rape (slight, just the word "rape" basically).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello (: It's me.  
> Things are starting to happen now. We're progressing. This one's a bit, meh, but I hope you'll let me know what you thought of it. 
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> (Also, I did change the title, sorry for any confusion!)

                    

There's a pivotal moment in every person's life in which the ground underneath them shifts; they change, their lives change. Every person has that moment in which they can pinpoint it happening, whether it be for better or worse. Louis has three of those moments. 

The first is when he was eight years old. He was sat in elementary, coloring, when a little girl in a frilly dress came up to him and kissed his cheek. Instead of blushing like the little girl was, he made a face at her and promptly wiped his cheek off, telling her to please never do that again. This is the moment, in retrospect, that Louis would come to realize was when he first noticed he wasn't attracted to girls. 

The second is when he was fourteen. He was walking home from the gas stop with Zayn, chatting about some irrelevant thing, when two older boys came up on bikes. They stopped in front of the pair and began teasing and mocking them, calling them slurs for the fact that they were closer than the average lads. Zayn promptly stepped forward and hit the bigger of the pair right in his nose, causing him to fall back off of his red bike and shriek in pain. After grabbing Louis' hand, Zayn began walking as if nothing had happened. This is the moment Louis knew that Zayn was it. Zayn would be his friend for the rest of his life, everything else be damned. 

The third is when Louis was nineteen. It was summer time and he and Harry had been together for going on a year. Secretly, of course, because Harry wasn't out yet and Louis respected that. He, himself, was only out to Zayn, Harry and his mother. Harry wasn't out to anyone. They were sat in a park a little out of the way, as to avoid anyone seeing them, and Louis was curled up at Harry's side as they lay in the soft grass, watching the clouds pass above. There had been moments in which Louis thought, if only for a minute, that this was something that he could do forever. Whenever he voiced this to Harry, he'd only grin and kiss him softly, but never agree.

"I love you, you know." Louis murmured into Harry's chest.

Harry's fingers tangled into Louis' hair, combing in and out. "I love you."

"How much?" Louis breathed, fingers clutching Harry's baby blue shirt.

"A thousand times over and a thousand times more." 

At that, Louis sat up and kissed him. Harry's hands gripping his biceps and Louis' fingers dancing in Harry's curls. It was lovely and something Louis would never get used to; the sparks in his belly, the lightweight feeling his body held after. 

They were only at the park for an hour before a group of jocks from school came parading up, some girls along with them, glancing between Louis and Harry. Harry immediately shoved Louis off of him, sitting up and attempting to make conversation with one of the guys. Louis' face was heating up as he felt the stares from the large group in front of him. The first one to say something was the blonde girl that Louis still hated to this day. 

"What are you doing with this fag, Styles?" She hissed, narrowing her eyes at Louis. 

Louis' face heated even more and he glanced at Harry with wide eyes. Harry wouldn't look at him though, something that should've tipped Louis off. 

"Yeah, man. Have something to share with us?" A taller guy asked with a lewd grin. Louis recognized him as being a footie player, but he wasn't very good. 

Harry shook his head, still refusing to meet Louis' eyes and Louis remembers furrowing his brows, waiting for Harry to say something. _Anything_. 

"Harry. Are you _gay_?" The blonde girl asked, smirking slightly as she popped her bubblegum. 

At that, Harry's head shot up to her, his own smirk playing on his lips. Louis held his breath. He remembers thinking that this was it. This was the moment that Harry was going to come out. If he did, Louis would too. They were in this together. But he didn't expect what Harry said next. 

"You wanna find out, babe?" 

Louis' jaw dropped at that because _what?_  

The girl giggled and Harry's smirk grew wider as he stood up, brushing grass off of his jeans.

"So, what _are_ you doing here then, Styles?" Another lad asked, eyes zeroing in on Louis, who was still sat on the grass. He felt like he could puke. 

This moment. This moment is one of the most important moments in Louis' life. This is when he learned that he couldn't trust anyone but Zayn and his mother. This is the moment that defined the next few years of his life. 

"I was just here, minding my own, when this fag came up to me and tried to make a move." 

Louis couldn't breathe. He couldn't think. All he could do was watch this play out in front of him. Watch this person that he loved completely destroy him. 

"So he _is_ gay, then?" Snorted the blonde. They were talking as if Louis wasn't here and it only made him feel even more insignificant.

Harry smirked again and nodded, throwing an arm around her shoulder. He still refused to look at Louis. 

"He asked to suck my dick but I politely declined." He chuckled. 

Everyone in the group laughed at that. They were mocking Louis and Harry was lying, seemingly enjoying this. 

"Please," He whispered, blue eyes boring into Harry, who only sent him a glance before turning his head. Who was this person? Why was he acting this way? What the fuck happened to "a thousand times over", something he'd murmured to Louis only hours before? 

Louis stood up, feeling the group's eyes on him, and he turned to walk away. Someone caught his arm and pulled him back. He stared up with wide eyes at an unknown boy with a wicked smirk on his face. 

"You could suck mine and let everyone here watch." 

Louis was horrified as he watched Harry laugh at this. He was horrified that he thought this was okay, that he was letting these people say these things and that he himself was the cause of all of this. Louis jerked his arm away from the awful boy and turned to run away, sprinting as fast as he could away from the group, who's laughter rung in his ears, their chants of homophobic slurs and suggestions making his stomach lurch. He ran until he couldn't anymore, stopping at the side of a building in the middle of the city. He propped his hands on his knees and threw up everywhere. He wasn't sure if it was because he'd run so much or if it was the fact that he'd been betrayed. He figured it a mix of both as he heaved everything he'd eaten. 

The taunts where still ringing in his ear as he walked the rest of the way home, rain beginning to fall around him. He couldn't feel it though. He couldn't feel anything. 

When he entered his home, his mother was sat with Mark at the dining room table, sipping a glass of wine and giggling at whatever he was saying. She shot up out of her seat as soon as she'd seen him step into the door, Mark doing the same. Both had concerned expressions painted across their faces. 

"Lou," Jay breathed, taking in his rain soaked appearance. "Where's Harry?" 

And at that, Louis felt it. He felt the pain and deception and heartbreak all at once. He fell to the floor in a pile of tears, ignoring his mother's thousands of questions as she fell with him, holding him close. He ignored Mark's muttering about killing Harry after he got out that Harry had hurt him. He didn't go into detail, because no one knew they were together, but he just explained that Harry had outed him to everyone, that he'd said hurtful things and Louis hated him to his very core.

Almost as much as he loved him. 

Louis didn't understand how someone could be so heartless. How they could go from caring and sensitive just minutes prior to a complete asshat.  

The following weeks were hell. Everyone knew now. Louis deleted his social media due to the mass amounts of harassment he was getting. He blocked Harry's number after he'd tried to call and text Louis a few days after the incident. He left a voicemail and Louis deleted it without listening. He didn't leave his home until he had to. It was two weeks after and his mother asked him to go to the grocer, sent him with a list of items and insisted he call if need be. 

He was in the fruit isle when he heard it. 

Harry's laughter mixed with another. Absolute dread filled Louis' body as he panicked, looking around for a quick exit as the laughter got closer. He couldn't see him yet, but he knew. He knew that once he did, Harry would say something. 

As he put his basket down, readying himself to dart out the door, Harry and a bleach blonde lad rounded the corner and Louis was shaking, his heart hammering in his chest. He could feel a panic attack coming on, something that had been happening since two weeks prior. 

Harry's eyes landed on him and immediately softened. Those evergreen eyes that he'd spent so much time looking into. He loved Harry's eyes. 

Now he felt sick just seeing them. 

"Harry, isn't that the kid who tried to rape you?" The blonde breathed, Irish accent heavy as recognition crossed his features. 

Louis' jaw dropped at that, eyes narrowing on Harry, who looked as white as a sheet now.  _Was Harry really telling people that?_ Had he really gone that fucking far?

All Louis could do was shake his head, dropping his head before he pushed past Harry and out the door, groceries forgotten. He heard him call after him, but he refused. He refused to ever speak to him again. 

And he'd kept that vow until he ended up back in London. And now, he'd gone and kissed him. And everything that happened came rushing back to Louis with a vengeance. 

There are moments in every person's life that define who that person is. Louis has three of those moments. 

-

 

"So he took me to Aribaca Bar and Kitchen, Lou. And like, he remembered that I don't eat beef. He _remembered_ , Louis." Zayn sighed on the other line of Louis' cell. He'd been droning on about how dreamy Liam was for thirty minutes now while Louis listened, clearly taking advantage of the fact that someone was willing to hear about how much he _absolutely adored_ Liam James Payne and oh God Lou, have you seen his eyes? Louis, he can sing! He boxes in his free time, Louis! Louis, Liam said the Earth is flat so it _must_ be! 

Louis snorts at himself, shoving a few crisps into his mouth and chews loudly which goes unnoticed by Zayn who is _still_ jabbering on about his date. Louis is genuinely happy for his best mate, really, but when he calls and wakes Louis up to tell him about how much he loves Liam, well. He loves him a little less. 

"It's noon, Lou." Was Zayn's response when he'd complained and Louis promptly told him to shove it. 

"We should go out tonight." Zayn says once he finishes spazzing over Liam's ass, which has become his new home apparently. 

"No." Louis shoves another handful of crisps into his mouth as he watches Vin Diesel blow shit up on the screen in front of him. 

Zayn sighs on the other line. "Come on, Louis. Please. You're only here for two more weeks, we need to spend more time together." 

Louis feels a pinch of guilt in his stomach before he rolls his eyes and huffs, "Fine." 

Zayn says he'll pick him up at seven and Louis tells him to fuck off before hanging up. Damn Zayn and his damn guilt trips. 

-

 

Why had Louis agreed to this again? Oh yeah, Zayn's an asshole. Currently, Louis is wishing he was anywhere but here as he watches his best mate grind up on his boyfriend. Averting his gaze, he stares at the green drink in front of him. He's contemplating going home, to be honest. This isn't his scene at all and he isn't having a good time. The loud music blasting from the speakers of the club are giving him a headache and he'd rather be asleep. He sighs, glancing back up at Zayn, who is shoving his tongue down Liam's throat and really, fantastic. 

He stands to make his way to the exit when someone's hand lands on his shoulder. He turns, half expecting it to be Zayn, and is met with a soft smile from a stranger. 

 "Hi," The stranger breathes, brown eyes seemingly glistening in the neon club lights. 

"Hello," Louis smiles, deciding that maybe he could stay a little longer. Just a little. 

He ends up dancing with the stranger, whose name is Daniel, ignoring the knowing smirks Zayn sends him. He learns that Daniel is single, twenty five and very handsy. He lets himself go, willing his mind to forget the past few days and just feel Daniel's hands on his body, his lips on his neck. When he kisses him, it's anything but gentle. He runs his hands down Daniel's sides, gripping his hips hard and Daniel groans into his mouth, his own hands finding purchase in Louis' hair, tugging softly. He breaks the kiss and leans into Daniel, lips touching his ear as he whispers, "Your place?" 

Daniel only nods, gripping Louis' hand and pulling him towards the exit. Louis texts Zayn, telling him where he's gone off to. He gets a series of rather explicit emojis in response and rolls his eyes, pocketing his phone as Daniel pulls into the car park in front of his flat. When he closes the front door, Louis is on him immediately, pushing him back against the door and kissing him hard, tugging at his jacket. They strip each other in between kisses, curious hands roaming over unfamiliar skin. Daniel leads Louis into his bedroom, not bothering to turn the lights on and shoves him onto the bed. 

He hovers over Louis, placing a kiss on his neck and mumbling, "I haven't done this in awhile."

Louis snorts, letting his fingers dig into Daniel's back. "Neither have I." Which is a lie. But.

And if Daniel was being honest, it doesn't show because the way his hands dance across Louis' body, the way his mouth leaves a trail has Louis begging. And Louis _never_ begs. His fingers move expertly inside of him, hitting him just right and Louis is going crazy.

When they finish, Louis lies awake at Daniel's side, staring at the ceiling above and listening to the man beside him snore. 

He glances over at the clock next to him on the bedside table. With a sigh, he heaves himself out of Daniel's bed and pulls his clothes on. He smells like alcohol and bad decisions and a shower is in his near future, he thinks, as he slips out of Daniel's flat and into the early morning darkness. He calls for a cab and waits on the sidewalk, going over the nights events in his head. 

It's eerily quiet as he toes his shoes off and slips into the kitchen, pouring himself a glass of water and pulling out his phone to text Zayn and let him know he made it home safe. When he finally slips into bed after a shower, the sun is rising and he can hear his mother shuffling around the kitchen, the smell of bacon invading his senses. He sighs and flips onto his side, scanning over his room which his mother left in the exact state that it was before he left. There are posters of bands he doesn't even listen to anymore along with a few of David Beckham shirtless, obviously. There are framed pictures of him and his family on various vacations, some of him and Zayn and they look so small that it makes Louis' chest ache. There's one that sticks out though and catches Louis by surprise. He squints his eyes and sits up in bed, throwing the covers off and padding over to the wall of pictures. 

There, in the middle of everything, is a picture of him and Harry. 

Louis remembers when Zayn took the picture, laughing at what huge idiots Harry and Louis were as they ran around Louis' house with lightsabers, pretending to be Darth and Luke. Louis was Darth, of course. 

He smiles slightly as he runs a finger down the picture before he takes it off the wall, walking over to his nightstand and putting it in the drawer, next to a small box. He slips back into bed after that, curling up and closing his eyes. He supposes there are a lot of things he'd like to forget, but some things he'd like to keep forever, too.

-

 

"Where were you last night?" Lottie asks, eyes scrutinizing Louis' every move as he shuffles around the kitchen like a zombie. Five hours of sleep is not enough to function. 

"Mind your business." He huffs, taking a sip of his freshly made tea and sighing. 

"You've got giant love bites all over your neck, you know." Fizzy pipes up from her spot next to Lottie at the table. 

Louis narrows his eyes at his sisters, wondering when they got so condescending. 

"You look like you've been attacked by the vacuum." Lottie puts in, examining her nails with a small smirk on her lips.

Louis rolls his eyes and grips his mug, sending a pointed look towards his sisters as he stalks out of the kitchen. They erupt into giggles as soon as he's out, causing him to smile at their antics. He swears he doesn't know where they get it from. He wonders into the den, eyes landing on his mother whose sat on the sofa watching daytime soaps. He plops himself down next to her, returning her smile, and directs his attention to the screen. 

He can only watch people falling down elevator shafts for so long before he's shifting in his seat, sighing loudly and slurping his tea. His mother huffs beside him, muting the television before she turns her head, raising a brow at him. 

"Is there something you need, sweetheart?" She asks, and Louis knows she's trying to conceal the hint of irritation she's feeling. 

He smiles sweetly. "I just want to spend time with you." 

Jay shakes her head, obviously not buying it. "Really, Lou."

Louis lets out a laugh, throwing his arm around her shoulders and squeezing her, earning a small giggle from his mother. "I love you, mummy."

Jay pats his cheek, grinning. "I love you too, Boo." 

Louis kisses her cheek and slips his arm off, taking a sip of his tea. 

"You know, the girls were right." Jay laughs. "You do look like you've been attacked." 

At that, Louis almost spits his tea. He makes an indignant sound at his mother, feigning shock. "Excuse me!" 

They stay like that for awhile, laughing and talking, until the twins get home from school and pile onto Louis. He plays dolls with them for awhile, making them giggle at his too-deep voice for the prince. After promising he'll play some more later, he steps into his room, closing the door behind himself and falling onto his bed. He's absolutely beat, cursing Zayn for convincing him to go out last night. 

He grabs his phone off of his nightstand and unplugs it before checking his texts. There are two from Zayn and one from an unknown. He checks Zayn's first. 

**_-Did you enjoy yourself? (;_ **

_**-Call me, twat!** _

He'll call him. Later. Maybe. 

Next he moves on to the unknown number. 

**_-Louis, it's Harry. Give me a call if you're free for lunch. Or dinner. Breakfast, even. I miss you._ **

Louis' heart drops into his stomach as he reads the text a few more times. He didn't block Harry's number after he texted him; just told him to delete his. Which, of course, Harry didn't. His fingers hover over the keyboard and he holds his breath as he types. 

**_Why didn't you delete my number?_ **

He pushes send before he can think better of it, falling back onto his bed and closing his eyes so tight he sees stars. His phone vibrates in his hand almost immediately. He sucks in a breath before checking the message. 

_**-I couldn't.** _

Louis rolls his eyes and types back.

_**Sure, Harry.** _

He sets his phone down on his mattress and sits up, running a hand through his hair and tugging it slightly. He jumps when he feels the bed vibrate underneath him and reaches for his phone. 

_**-So, lunch?** _

He bites his lip as he types up a reply. 

_**Why?** _

And Harry's response is instant. 

 _ **-I told you I'd try. So I am.**_  

He shakes his head as he pushes out a breath. Even if he agrees to this, how can he ever forgive Harry for the things he's done? 

_**I don't know.** _

_**-Just see how it goes, just this once.** _

_**We aren't friends.** _

_**-I know, Lou.**_  

He scratches his head, heart hammering as he texts back.

_**Are you buying?** _

_**-Of course.** _

_**Fine.** _

-

 "What do you mean you've agreed to have a meal with him?" Zayn sneers on the other end of Louis' phone. 

"I mean just that. He texted me and asked and I agreed." Louis flips the channel on the television. "It's quite simple, Zayn. Maybe have your head checked, yeah? Too much Liam bouncing around in there, can't even understand simple things anymore." 

"Louis," Zayn snaps and Louis flinches. He's glad Zayn can't see him. "This is serious."

Louis huffs, turning his television off and sitting up straight in bed. "Don't you think I know that, Zayn? I'm about to have a casual fucking meal with the man who fucking destroyed me."

"Why did you agree to this, then?" Zayn's voice softens.

Louis scrubs a hand down his face and sighs. "I don't know, Zayn. Closure?"

Zayn hums on the other end and they're quiet for a few minutes. 

"Do you miss him?"

 _Of course_ , Louis thinks. He misses his hands on his body, the way his soft lips moved so fluidly with his, the way his body fit with his own like they were meant to be together. He misses giggling with him in the darkness, running his hands through his curls and just staring into those green eyes. He misses his soft skin. He misses his stupid jokes and his abrupt laughter. He misses his smile. The smile he had just for Louis. The way he'd ask Louis' opinion on even the simplest things. How thoughtful he was, always thinking of Louis and what he'd like and what he'd want. He misses the feeling of being wholly at ease with him, knowing and trusting Harry. 

"No," He breathes instead, pushing away every thought of the way things used to be between he and Harry. That was then. Things are bound to be different now. Louis is a different person, he'll never be the same as he was three years ago. And he doesn't even know Harry now. The only thing he knows is that he won't be letting what happened before, happen again. He can't. He can't lose himself like that ever again. It was scary and dark and lonely and he refuses to ever, _ever_ allow himself to feel that way again. "No, I don't."

-

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you hating the cliffhangers, yet? (:


	4. Fragile and Thin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter: talk of suicide/past suicidal thoughts & anxiety/panic attacks. You've been warned.

The steam from the small shower fills up the room around Louis as he scrubs the apple scented soap into his caramel skin. The speakers connected to his phone are releasing the somber tone of The 1975's "Me". He hums along as he tries not to think too hard about the lyrics and how well they relate to his entire being. He steps out, draping a gray towel across his lower half and tying it unceremoniously. Louis decides not to make this lunch a _Thing_ , and just opts for casual and collected. Or, attempts to look collected. God knows he isn't anywhere near it. Why had he agreed to this again? Why didn't Zayn talk him out of it?

Oh yeah, closure and all that. Sure. 

He sighs after pulling on a gray knit jumper, tugging his dark wash skinnies up his legs and frowning when he notices they're looser than usual. 

He slips his feet into some white vans and steps in front of his full length mirror, fussing with his hair for approximately two seconds before he decides it's good enough. Jay is downstairs with the girls watching a Disney movie when he enters the den. Lottie glances up at him, raising a brow. 

"Where are you off to, then?" She asks, a hint of suspicion in her voice all though Louis isn't sure what for. He's the older sibling here, not the other way around. He'll very well do what he pleases, thank you very much.

He very nearly rolls his eyes as he replies, "Lunch." 

She narrows her eyes, nudging Fizzy beside her and Louis watches as Fizzy's eyes trail up and down his attire before stopping on his face, narrowing along with Lottie's. 

He scoffs, shaking his head and pulling his phone out of his back pocket to check the time. 

"I'm leaving, mum." Jay glances up at him from her spot in the middle of all of the girls and nods her head. 

"Okay, baby. Be careful." And there's a hint of something more behind her voice, something like a warning.

Louis wonders if she knows sometimes. He wonders if she's realized it along the way somewhere, that maybe Louis hadn't told her the complete truth those years ago. 

"Of course." He hopes she picks up on his double meaning as he steps out the front door and into the crisp air. 

 

It takes Louis ten minutes to get the small cafe style restaurant that Harry told him to meet him at. It's a corner shop, barely noticeable among the larger, busier buildings surrounding it but it seems warm and inviting, he thinks, as he steps out of his mum's car. The small bell above the door tinkles when he walks in and a sweet young girl no more than seventeen greets him with a smile, asking if he'd like to sit. When he tells her he's meeting someone, she motions for the booth in the back corner, asking if that's who he's looking for. 

He sees a mop of curls and his heart feels like it'll burst at this, as he realizes what he's about to do. It's been years, literal years. What is he even doing here? He makes an abortive move towards the door when Harry's head lifts, his green eyes meeting Louis' and his lungs deflate at the look of complete surprise takes over Harry's features. As if he hadn't expected Louis to be here, to really show. Before Louis can run out of the shop, Harry stands, long legs taking large strides until he's a few feet from Louis, the corner of his lips turned up. 

"You're here." He breathes and Louis has sudden flashbacks of the first night he saw Harry after coming back. 

"Well," Louis glances around, carefully avoiding Harry's prodding green eyes. "Free food. So." 

A small chuckle escapes Harry's lips and he motions over to the red booth he was sat at. 

"Sit?" 

Louis nods in response, watching the ground as he walks behind Harry. He sits across from him, unraveling the blue scarf he'd put on before he left. He's painfully aware of the fact that Harry's watching his every movement. The air is thick and he almost feels like he's going to suffocate. He takes a deep breath to calm himself, refusing to have a panic attack here, in front of Harry. 

"You all right?" Harry's concerned tone takes him by surprise and he peers up at him. 

"Fine." He replies, setting his scarf down on the table in front of him and toying with the frayed edges. 

"Do you remember," Harry starts, a maudlin tone to his voice that makes Louis' breath stutter. "You used to wear scarves all the time. I remember your favorite one." 

Louis is watching him now, eyes slightly wider as he listens to this. Harry's talking so casually about the past that Louis could almost pretend that nothing so terrible happened to him. 

"It was green. Forest green." Harry continues, eyes locked on Louis' now and it's like he's under a spell, the way he can't look away. "You said it reminded you of my eyes." 

They stare at each other for a few seconds too long before Louis clears his throat, pulling his gaze away from Harry and staring a hole into his blue scarf. 

"So, what are you going to order?" He asks, voice coming out much stronger than he feels. He's thankful for that. 

Harry hums, taking his menu into his hands and scanning over it. 

"I think I'll get the chicken sandwich." 

Louis nods, swallowing before he replies. "Sounds good." 

It goes like this for another few minutes, Harry attempting conversation, only to get the shortest of answers from Louis. He just can't open up to him, give him a peek into his world now. He won't allow him to come in and smash everything before walking out again. He's built up so much for himself since then. He's doing so well. 

"How's Seattle been, then?" Harry asks, taking a bite from his sandwich. Louis notices belatedly that Harry still eats like he used to; tongue first. 

Louis sips on his water. "It's been good to me." 

Better than here, he thinks. 

"I'm glad to here that, Louis. Really." He means it, Louis can tell. But it doesn't mean he has to take notice of it. 

"Me too." 

Harry sighs, setting his fork down on his plate. He raises his eyes to meet Louis' again. Louis' chest feels tight again when Harry begins to talk. 

"When I was seventeen, I made a decision that I'd ultimately come to regret for years after." Louis sucks in a breath, steeling himself. "It was awful and despicable and just plain fucked up. I remember the feeling I had when I watched you walk away. God, Louis, I remember it so fucking clearly. My brain and my heart were screaming at me to stop you. God, I should've stopped you..."

Louis pushes out a breath, pushing his fringe out of his eyes. "But you didn't." 

Harry isn't looking at him now, his eyes are fixed on Louis' scarf. "But I didn't. And fuck if that wasn't the worst decision I've ever made. I left after you did, told myself you'd understand. Tried to justify what I did as I drove home. I refused to believe that we weren't going to talk about it. I just knew that you would call me that night and that you'd just, just understand." Harry pauses, shakes his head. "As if what I did was something anyone could understand."

"When you hadn't called by the next night, I was panicking. I'd absolutely lost my shit. I told Gemma what I did and she refused to speak to me for weeks. I was alone with my thoughts and the fact that I was a completely wretched person. I couldn't even wrap my head around what I'd done to you. I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I cried so much that I made myself sick. You were all I could think about. Any time I closed my eyes, you were there. Our pictures, fuck, those pictures. Every picture we'd taken together was all over my room. I hated myself, Lou." 

Harry sucks in a breath, visibly shaking at the weight of all of this. Louis was on the verge of tears now, clutching his scarf tightly, knuckles going white. His lip is red and bitten and he just feels too much right now. It's all too much. 

"The first time I tried to kill myself was the night that I tried to call you. And you didn't answer. I knew, deep down I knew. I knew that everything we'd had was gone and it was all my fucking fault and I just couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted you, Louis." He lifts his head now too meet Louis' eyes and a small sob escapes Louis' lips as he takes in Harry's tear tracked cheeks and red eyes. "I needed you. I felt like, without you, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't get on and over this without you. I couldn't live without having your touch and your words and your forgiveness. I just couldn't." 

"Harry-" Louis breathes, voice breaking. 

Harry shakes his head slowly, dropping his gaze again. "It didn't work, obviously, and I'll never forget the look on my mum's face when I woke up in the hospital. I went back to school and I got so good at pretending. But then I saw you in the market. Fuck, Louis. I swear I had nothing to do with that rumor! I swear I never said you- I never said," He takes a breath, shaking his head. "I never said what Niall said."

"I wasn't sure..." Louis trails, shaking his head slowly. "I just wasn't sure about anything after that." 

Harry nods, looks the picture of understanding with his wide doe eyes, it's like he's staring into Louis' soul. He was always like that. Always saw the things that Louis didn't say. He just _knew_. 

"The second time that I tried to kill myself was after that. After the supermarket incident. The look on your face, Louis." Harry drops his head into his hands and Louis has the urge to comfort him, to hold his hand. But Harry wasn't there to do that for him, so he doesn't. Just sits and listens. "You just looked so, so empty. So disappointed and just. A shell. You looked like a shell. And I did that to you. Me. God I couldn't stand it. I couldn't handle it. So I tried again. And it almost worked, if not for Gemma walking in..."

Louis shakes his head, covers his mouth with his hand in an attempt to calm himself down at this knowledge that Harry was just as torn up as he was. He was just as broken and gutted as he was. But the difference was, he did this to himself.

"They put me into therapy. Some kind of group for suicidal kids where we all had to pretend we wanted to get better, but none of us did. None of us wanted to stop. There was this kid, he was my age, Andrew. I remember his red, springy hair the most. He left the last group session and that was the last any of us saw of him. Our counselor had to announce it. It was just so fucked up. Everything was fucked up. I could've been him, and the screwed up part of it is, I wanted to be. At that point in time, I would've switched places with him. God, I was fucked in the head, Louis." He pauses, runs a hand down his face before continuing. "I realized you blocked my number a few months later after every attempt I'd made. I was numb mostly, but every now and then something would remind me of you. I'd get a lingering smell of something sweet, like baked goods, and my mind would immediately relate that to you. I'd see something in the shop window as I walked by and I'd have to stop. I couldn't breathe when things like that happened. My body would just, stop."

Louis relates to this. The crippling anxiety he felt after it all went down was something he'd never like to relive again. Even to this day, he still takes medication for it. Still sees a therapist back in Seattle. 

"She isn't my girlfriend, y'know." Harry says, toying with the napkin he's placed in his lap. "She never was."

"But you've been out with her-"

"And other people. She's a horrible person and I can't stand her, never have been able to. She wants to be something, but I just. No." Harry shakes his head, dramatically shivering at the thought and Louis can't help but smile a little at that. 

He feels a bit relieved to hear this. That Harry hadn't moved on to a blonde barbie doll. That he didn't even like her one bit after all. 

"Then why did you do that?" Louis asks suddenly. 

Harry sighs, broad shoulders rising. "I was just. I thought it mattered, you know? What people thought? I thought that if they saw who I really was, they'd treat me differently." Harry shrugs. "It wasn't until after it all happened that I realized they were the worst people anyone would want to be associated with."

"They were homophobic." Louis puts in. 

Harry nods. "Exactly. I was seventeen, I thought image mattered. God, I was so fucking stupid." 

Louis agrees with this, but he doesn't say as much. He only takes another sip of his water, letting it cool down his too-hot body. He wonders how long they've been here, if anyone's raised questioning gazes at them as they sob in the corner. He supposes they haven't made too much of a spectacle if no one's come over and asked them to leave yet. 

"It's still something that haunts me, you know." Louis starts. "The fact that someone so close to me could just, just betray me so badly and so blatantly. I haven't been the same towards anyone. I can't let people in. I've got few friends in Seattle, but they don't know about any of it. I don't know if they could handle it. But Zayn, Zayn has been here and fuck if I don't love him for just _being there_. That's all I needed. I think that's the only thing that kept me from doing the things that you did."

Harry shutters at the thought of Louis ending up like he did. 

"I did end up in therapy. I had extreme panic attacks. I still do, just not as bad. But I guess we're both a little fucked up." 

Harry doesn't respond, just sits there staring at his plate. Louis remembers when they used to have heavy conversations. They'd lie in each other's beds, curled up together and whispering their inner most thoughts. If only they knew. 

"I'm sorry for damaging you so badly, Louis. I'd do anything to take it all back or have the roles reversed." Harry murmurs. 

"I'm not damaged anymore, Harry. I'm just a little cracked and that's okay." Louis replies. "It just means more light can get through." 

Harry glances up at him through his eyelashes. "I can't believe you're back." 

"I can't believe I'm back either." Louis chuckles, shaking his head. 

"Do you think," Harry starts, seeming unsure now. "Maybe, we can do this again?" 

Louis peers over at him, furrowing his brows. "Do what?" 

"Like, lunch and talking and just, I don't know, being?" 

Louis shakes his head before he even realizes what he's doing. "I don't think so, Harry." 

A look of genuine hurt and confusion crosses Harry's face, making him look so small and innocent. "But, why not?"

Louis heaves a sigh, picking up his scarf and tying it around his neck. "I'm just not ready." 

"Not ready for what?" 

"I'm not ready to forgive you and I'm not ready to be around you all of the time. I can't do it Harry. I'm-" He stops himself before he apologizes. He has nothing to apologize for. "I just can't." 

Harry stands with him, watching his every move again. "But I thought, like, with all of this," He waves his hand at the table. "I thought this meant something. I told you everything, Lou. I just thought..." 

"You thought that just because you told me how guilty you were that I'd just, just forgive you and let you back in?" Louis is starting to heat up and this is just not the place nor the time to have the rest of this conversation. 

"I told you everything." Harry repeats and now he seems a bit more lost than anything. Louis would pity him, but. 

"I just can't, Harry. You said you understand the weight of what you did, correct?" Harry nods. "Then you should understand that this isn't something that's easily forgivable. It's taken years for me to even think about you without having an attack. I can't just let it go because you feel guilty. Because you confessed to your side. These things take time." 

Harry stares at him a moment, seemingly registering his words, before he nods once and motions for Louis to lead the way out. Harry follows behind, opening the door for Louis and walking him to his car. 

"I guess I'll see you, then." Harry says, kicking a rock on the pavement. 

Louis nods in agreement. "See you." 

Harry watches him get into his mum's car. He stays until Louis is out of view and waits until he's in his car to completely lose it, a mess of tears and body wracking sobs against the steering wheel. 

 

*

 

Liam is shuffling through Zayn's extensive DVD collection, Zayn muttering a "no" with every one he holds up as Louis watches from the couch, nursing a beer and rolling his eyes. Zayn's always been difficult but this is just, it's a bit much, even for Zayn. 

"Just fucking pick one!" He shouts from his spot. Zayn flips him off, grabbing a Batman movie and Jesus, really? Again with the superheroes? 

Liam settles into the couch adjacent to the one Louis' on and chuckles at Zayn's cursing as he searches for the remote. Louis rolls his eyes again, this time towards Liam, which makes him laugh even louder. Zayn spins around, eyes narrowing at Louis and darting between him and Liam. Louis widens his eyes innocently, taking a sip of his beer. Zayn shakes his head at them, muttering something under his breath that sounds an awful lot like "lousy sons of bitches" and turns around, continuing his search for the missing remote. 

"So, how was your meet up with Harry?" Liam asks, ever so casual. 

Louis shrugs; he can do nonchalant. He's ace at it. "Was good."

Zayn makes an "Ah-ha!" sound when he finds the remote, pushing play and flopping down next to Liam with a small smirk, as though he's won some fantastic prize.

"Did you two talk about, you know, things?" Liam asks and Louis is actually, for the first time ever in history, considering decking Liam in the face. 

He refrains, because that's what adulthood is all about, and nods. "Yeah, so-so." 

He's hoping Liam will catch on and just drop it. But this is Liam and Liam is the most oblivious person in the entire universe. Scientific studies have been conducted and proven true with this fact. 

"Well, what did he say?" 

Jesus Christ. "He apologized." 

Zayn snorts beside Liam, glancing over at Louis. "He's a piece of shit. Apologies from him aren't worth a damn." 

And while Louis agrees, part of him is conflicted. He feels that familiar urge to protect Harry. 

"I mean, it seemed pretty genuine..." 

At this, Zayn sits up straighter. He looks utterly taken back by this statement, eyes wide and furious. 

"Pretty genuine? Where the fuck was he when you were passing out in the middle of the McDonalds from an attack?" Zayn hisses. 

"Excuse the fuck out of me for wanting to just fucking forget about it all." Louis sneers. "This was my closure, remember? I got it. I'm done. End of the goddamn story." 

Zayn shakes his head. "I don't believe you." 

Louis sits up straighter, setting his beer down and glaring daggers at Zayn. Liam looks ready to piss himself with worry and Zayn is just as aggitated as Louis. 

"Fuck you! You don't know. You were here, yeah, but it didn't happen to you. I just want to forget about it, Zayn." Louis feels his eyes sting and he will _not_ cry right now. "Just let it the fuck go. It's too damn heavy to carry around anymore." 

"I know, Lou! I know but Jesus, I got to see from the outside! That fucked me up, too, Louis. To see you so fucking damaged. That was something I don't want to have to witness again, Lou."

Louis stands up, shaking. "Why does everyone keep saying I'm fucking damaged? I'm not fucking damaged!" 

Liam stands then, leaving Zayn to sit and stare at Louis. They don't break eye contact and Louis can see the doubt in Zayn's eyes at his statement. 

"Lou," Liam mumbles, wrapping him in a hug. "You're right. You're not damaged. You do deserve closure. This was something absolutely horrid but you deserve to just be able to forget. You're right." 

"I just, I just want to..."

"I know, Louis." Liam shushes him. "I know and you're valid, okay? You are _valid_ in everything you want from this."

Louis cries then and he only notices Zayn's there once he's done sobbing into Liam's shoulder. 

"I love you." Zayn says, pulling Louis to him, gripping him tightly and rubbing his hair. "I love you so fucking much it hurts." 

Louis cries a little harder, nodding into Zayn's shoulder to agree. 

Once he's pulled himself together, he feels rather embarrassed that he let himself get so carried away. Zayn tells him to stop, that it's okay and they're okay. He thanks them both. 

"I want to talk to Harry." Zayn states out of the blue. 

Louis' eyes widen almost as big as Liam's. 

"Why?" Liam asks, placing his hand over Zayn's thigh. 

Zayn shrugs, "I feel like I need to. I need to explain, get him to grasp what he did. How fucking painful it was to see Lou like that." 

Louis shakes his head. "No. I don't think it's a good idea. I love you, but no." 

And Zayn doesn't say anything after that, but Louis can sense it. He knows he's still thinking about it. He doesn't want him to tell Harry those things though. It feels too intimate, too private. He doesn't want Harry to know things about him anymore. Especially insight into exactly how badly Louis was hurting because of him. 

*

Louis lands on his bed with a groan, face first. His mum has already gone to bed, along with the twins and Lottie and Fizzy are in their rooms doing God knows what. Louis is exhausted, to put it lightly. He's been through too much today and he's just over it. He wants to curl up into his childhood bed and just sleep for days. He blocks that out when he hears a knock at his door. He rolls over onto his stomach in time to see Lottie walk in, shutting the door quietly behind her. She sits next to him on his bed. 

"So, how was lunch?" She asks, voice not above a whisper. 

Louis shoots her a confused look. "Fine?" 

Lottie sighs, flopping down next to him. They stare at the ceiling together for a few minutes, their breathing the only sounds to fill the room. 

Lottie speaks up first, surprising Louis.

"I know about Harry." 

Louis' pulse quickens, he swallows before asking, "What about him?"

"I know about it all, Lou. I heard the rumors well into my time in sixth form." 

His throat tightens at this. The fact that it's following his sisters around now, that vicious lie and all of those rumors. God, Louis hates Harry. 

"It's not true." He manages, closing his eyes. 

Lottie shifts beside him, her hand landing gently on his. "I know." 

Louis turns his hand in hers, lacing their fingers together. He loves his sister so much, he could cry. Again. 

"I'm sorry you have to hear about it." 

Lottie scoffs next to him, gripping his hand tighter. "I'm the one who's sorry. God, I can't even imagine, Louis." 

Louis is silent next to her, eyes closed as he thinks about today's events. Harry's the same person, sure, but there's something more about him now. He's the same, but he's so different. Louis isn't sure about anything anymore, but especially not Harry. When he came here, he was so sure he was the devil reincarnate. And now? He doesn't even know anymore. He isn't ready to forgive him and he damn sure will never forget what he's done. He made that plain and clear for him. But the small twist in his gut when he saw how shattered Harry looked as he retold his side, as Louis told him that no, they wouldn't magically become friends again, that's the thing Louis isn't sure about. He shouldn't be the one feeling guilty here. He shouldn't feel guilty about any of it. But just like any first love, Louis will always have a spot for Harry, deep down. He'll always feel things for him, always have the urge to peck his cheek as he leaves or giggle at his stupid jokes. He doesn't still love him though; you can't love someone who hurts you so deeply, cutting away at every seam of your heart. 

"I'm okay." Louis replies, opening his eyes finally and turning his head to look at his sister. 

She meets his eyes, studying him for a minute before shaking her head and scooting closer, laying on his chest. 

"He's a shit." Is what she says finally and Louis laughs, a real laugh. 

"I know." 

"I love you, you know." She mumbles. 

Louis hums, running a hand down her arm. "I love you too, Lotts." 

Louis thinks that if he didn't have the people he has, he'd of ended up much worse off than he already is. His family, his Zayn and his new Liam have all helped him  through some of the worst times he's ever encountered and he can never, ever make up for it. He doesn't have much time left here before he heads back to Seattle, but he's going to try to make it count. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jesus, that was heavy. I need a drink. 
> 
> Don't forget to let me know what you thought!


	5. Call Me A Safe Bet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs for this chapter: 
> 
> Yellow - Coldplay
> 
> Gravity - Sarah Bereilles

Louis smiles wide and cheesy as Felicite snaps a picture of him sat with the twins in his lap, one on each leg. They're dressed in identical baby pink tutu dresses, white heels on their feet. Louis has a large yellow bow clipped into his hair and shimmery clear gloss coated across his lips. He doesn't care. He's making memories. Fizzy laughs, showing him the picture on her sleek phone. Louis grins, smacking a wet, sticky kiss onto each of the twins' cheeks and earning a series of squeals from each. They're both disgruntled when he stands, causing them both to fall opposite ways off of his legs. 

"We are _not_ done here, mister!" Phoebe shouts at his retreating back, holding up a fist. 

"We haven't finished your makeup, Louis!" Daisy adds in, seeming more than displeased about this. 

Louis chuckles, glancing back over his shoulder. "I promise we'll finish this in a bit, girls." And they will. He promised, after all. Promises with nine year old little hellions are not to be broken. He's learned this. Louis curses as he almost trips over a plush purple heart that's managed to find a way underfoot.

His mother is currently out for an interview at the hospital for the head nurse of the pediatrics unit and had told Louis she would likely not make it back for lunch, so he's been improvising since she left. They've managed to destroy the whole den, blankets and pillows strewn across the floor, barbies lying naked near the fireplace, hair accessories and nail polish sat across every flat surface, the twins in the midst of it all with smiles on their pink coated lips. Lottie has taken to her room in order to avoid any and all responsibility and Fizzy has been sat in the corner of the den in a lone armchair watching the chaos around her erupt. Louis thinks they're shits. 

He sighs, scratching his stomach lightly as he stares into the refrigerator. There isn't anything to eat. Well. There is. But Louis is, admittedly, not the lovechild of Gordon Ramsay and Jamie Oliver. Such is why he usually opts for a simple pot noodle or something equally as easy in his times of need, if not take out. But that simply won't do today; he's got little mouths to feed. Louis shuts the fridge, making a mental note to learn how to cook at least one plate while still here. He strides back into the den, eyes falling onto the twins who are now fixing their barbies' hair. 

"Are we hungry yet, ladies?" He asks, eyeing Fizzy. She glances up at him from her phone and nods exaggeratedly. 

"Yes!" Daisy squeaks, dropping her barbie and launching herself at Louis, wrapping her arms around his legs and staring up at him with wide blue eyes. "I'm starved, Lou. So, so starved." She pouts. 

Louis rolls his eyes. "May I ask what it is you're starved for?" 

Daisy beams at that, nodding again. "Poppies sounds lovely, now that you mention." Her eyes twinkle and Fizzy snickers from behind her phone. 

Louis groans, head falling back. "That's so _far_ , though."

"You've a car." Phoebe mumbles before sticking her tongue out of the corner of her mouth, focusing on the plait she's putting in her barbie's hair. 

At that, Fizzy laughs louder. 

"Must've forgotten. Thanks, Phoebs." Louis deadpans, shooting a look towards Fizzy. 

"Oh, Lou, please can we go there? I just love their chips so very much!" Daisy whines, bottom lip sticking out dangerously low. 

Louis sighs, running a hand down his scruffy face before eyeing her. "Fine." 

Daisy squeals, jumping up and down and nearly knocking Louis over in the process. Phoebe carefully places her newly made up barbie down before joining her twin, giggling and chanting about their victory. Louis rolls his eyes, tells them all to get ready before he jogs up the stairs to dress himself. He knocks on Lottie's door on the way, letting her know what the plan is. She immediately scolds him, calling him a pushover. Louis flips her off before trotting off to his room and shuffling through his belongings to find clean clothes. He hasn't done laundry since he's been here, which is just disgusting but he's never said he was the perfect housewife, so. 

He grimaces as he holds up a shirt trodden with various unidentified stains in a rainbow of colors. Tossing it back into the pile of filth on the floor, he reaches for another one. It's black and plain and smells fine so he decides it'll do. Louis wipes the gloss from his lips and takes out the bow. He fusses with his hair, shifting it to the side before stepping into the hall. He peeps into the twins' room and sees them almost ready, both fussing over who can wear what. He makes his way to the den, grabbing the keys off of the hook and jingling them in his hand. Fizzy strolls in seconds later, phone seemingly permanently attached to her hand. 

"Do you ever put that thing down?" Louis questions, watching Fizzy's fingers fly across the keyboard. 

She glances at him, sticks her tongue out and goes back to typing away what seems to be a book at this point. 

Lottie and the twins come out, Louis' younger siblings eager to get out of the house as they bounce around impatiently. 

"Are we all ready, then?" Louis asks, eyes trailing over each of his sisters. 

They all make noises of approval and they're out the door. Jay left her car with Louis, opting for the tube instead in case of any emergencies while she was gone. Louis is missing his 2013 altima, his pride and joy. He'd managed to get it on his own, making the payments by himself and he felt like a proper adult while signing the papers. But he's thankful that his mum's even letting him ride around with her car at all. She's always been that way; giving and giving, asking nothing in return. Louis makes sure to give back as well as he's able, even from thousands of miles away. The girls chatter away through the whole car ride, filling up the empty spaces with giggles that twinkle like little bells. Louis loves his sisters. 

They all bustle inside once they get there, the door chime signaling their arrival. They're greeted by a stout woman with graying hair, a wide smile across her bright red lips. Louis orders all of their drinks without too much problem. The twins have positioned themselves on either side of him, Lottie and Fizzy across from them. Louis watches through the window as people bustle by, busy with their daily lives. The twins are rattling away about school and their friends and when they'll have to see their dad next and the boys they think are cute in class and Louis just listens to it all, nodding and putting in his input when needed. Soon enough, Lottie and Fizzy start talking about their own lives and what's currently going on. Louis learns that Fizzy has a boyfriend, whom he vows to meet and scare. Lottie has a crush but won't divulge in details, apparently even Fizzy has no idea who. Lottie is excelling in school, too, which makes Louis proud. Fizzy says she's struggling, but she's gotten a tutor and her marks are going up, slowly. He tells them about Seattle, about his mediocre job and how he's attempting to apply to colleges in the area. He shows them pictures of his friends, his apartment and the dog that stays across from him with his neighbors, Spark, who he may or may not buy treats for, even if she isn't his own dog. 

Their food comes out during their discussion of which instrument Phoebe should play, should she choose to join band this fall. Louis' vote is piano, but he supposes he's biased. 

Louis announces that he'd rather like to go to the park, if the girls are up for it. They are, of course. They all pile back into Jay's car and Louis drives to Hyde Park, the girls' buzzing with energy in the backseat. Save for Lottie and Fizzy, who are absorbed into their phones. Louis' glad he at least got a little pinch of their lives today, that they shared little parts of themselves. He's missed them. 

 

*****

Louis watches from a dark stained bench as his littlest sisters chase each other around in the grass, the trees around them bare and exposed in the damp December day. Louis wishes he'd of been here for Thanksgiving, to see the leaves fall from the trees, golden and glowing. Seattle was mainly rainy when Louis left, the trees just barely turning. London in winter is the most beautiful thing Louis has ever witnessed, though, and he's missed it dearly. He'll be leaving before his birthday, before Christmas, too, and he'd be lying if he said he wasn't thinking of staying a few extra weeks. Christmas is a big production in his family; everyone gathers at his Nan's house and piles up in the den, racing to unwrap their presents and watching every Christmas movie known to man while they all bundle up in their new Christmas pajamas, sipping hot cocoa. Most everyone would wait until the Christmas gathering to give Louis his birthday presents and he loved that as a child. Double the presents, see. He smiles thinking about it, about the simpler times when he was young. Now though, he isn't sure how merry everyone will be. His mum's pulling together well enough, at least in front of everyone. His sisters haven't spoken too much of it but he knows they're hurting. Phoebe and Daisy are confused for the most part, not sure what to make of it all but they're just happy Louis' here. He's a distraction, he'd told his mum. He doesn't mind taking everyone's minds off of the situation at hand, making them smile and laugh with his stupid antics. But he knows sooner or later, preferably later, someone will crack and Louis doesn't know how to handle it. He doesn't know what he's supposed to do when he sees Mark again or how he's supposed to react when his mum's separation papers come in the mail. He can hold it together, be the glue, but eventually he'll break right along with everyone else, leaving a massive, sticky mess in his wake. 

Admittedly, it's been nice to get his own mind off of impending problems that have risen in his life. His sisters and mother help immensely with that, keeping him busy and entertained so that he isn't left with his own thoughts too often. But nighttime has always been his enemy. That's when he's alone. That's when everything comes to light and he's left drowning in his own bitter thoughts. They're like shadows, he thinks, always there, lurking behind you, ever-present in his daily life. Sometimes it's too much. Sometimes.

"Louis!" He hears from behind him, Irish lilt hard to miss.

He twists his head around, spotting Niall beaming at him and bouncing towards him. He sees Lottie out of the corner of his eye go stiff, subconsciously sliding a bit closer to him.  

"All right, Niall?" He greets, smacking Niall's hand when he approaches and it's weird, is the thing. They weren't ever really close, per say, in school, always running around in different circles. Niall with the band and the golf team, Louis with the theatre people and the footie team. They knew each other, sure, but they were merely acquaintances, never more than that. But Harry was like a patch, sewing people together permanently, whether they liked it or not. 

"Yeah, good. You?" Niall replies, eyes darting over to Phoebe and Daisy as they screeched about. 

"'M well, babysitting duties, see." Louis motions for the girls, all of them, and Lottie scoffs next to him. 

"Ah, that's sweet." Niall smiles. 

Louis hums, scooting over on the bench to make room for Niall because he's here, so why not? What more harm could anyone possibly do?

He pats the spot, taking Niall by obvious surprise. He sits anyway, thanking Louis and adjusting the newsboy hat sat atop his bleached hair. It's quite a look, really, but Louis doesn't comment. It's quiet for a few minutes as they watch the twins play about and giggle, Lottie still tense next to Louis. Fizzy is reading, much to Louis' surprise, and hasn't looked up to acknowledge anything or anyone since they got here. 

Niall clears his throat, turning to look at Louis. "Listen, about that whole, y'know, thing-" 

Louis holds up a finger and turns to Lottie, raising a brow. She furrows her own perfectly shaped blonde ones. "Lotts, be a dear and go somewhere else so that Niall and I can chat." 

Lottie rolls her wide blue eyes, but acquiesces, standing and walking a bit off before plopping down in the grass near the twins. Louis turns back to Niall now, full attention and ignoring the lump in his throat. 

"Go on." He says. 

Niall nods once, small smile on his lips as he continues. "I was confused, y'know, I was dumb and hadn't quite learned how to keep my mouth shut. I'd heard from some group of kids that, well, you know, so I guess I just, I don't know, believed it? I should've asked Harry first, shouldn't have just blurted it out like that. As soon as I saw the way your whole demeanor changed, I knew it wasn't true. I just wanted to apologize about it." 

Louis nods along, listens to Niall telling him all of this and he believes him. Niall was never one of the ones who said those awful things to Louis, who harassed him online daily. He was just caught in the crossfire. 

"Thank you, Niall. It means a lot to me." And he means it, truly. 

Niall's quiet for a moment before he says, "For what it's worth, he did try to come after you. He was torn up, gutted about it and I felt like a right tit. I s'pose he felt even worse. After he sat and told me the whole story I just, I couldn't look at him the same anymore. I couldn't believe that my best-" He pauses, sighs. "My friend could do something so immoral. Unjust, really." 

Unjust. The word's tossed around in Louis' mind for a moment. It clicks. It was wholly unjust, one-sided and underhanded and all of those things and more and Louis doesn't feel sick with it so much anymore. It doesn't shake his core and the earth below him. Doesn't shatter his heart into a million tiny shards that cut deep every time he tries to pick them up to piece them together again. It's a bit of a revelation to feel this, this sort of calm Louis is feeling while talking about his traumatic past. Closure. 

Maybe he's found it. 

Louis hums, bringing his mind back to the present. "S'pose that makes two of us." 

Niall's blue eyes roam over Louis' face, searching. "Have you spoken to him?" 

Louis almost can't refrain a snort. "More than I'd of liked, yes. London is big, but apparently not big enough." 

"What did he have to say?" Niall asks quietly, turning back to the girls. 

They're attempting to climb a tree now and Louis should intervene, but they look like they're having the time of their lives, so. 

"He just apologized for everything, explained his side of it all and told me a few things I hadn't known." 

They're both silent again for a while. Lottie glances over her shoulder, obviously meant to check on Louis, and he sticks his tongue out at her. It's silly, but he knows she gets it when there's a slight upturn of her bubblegum pink lips. It's his way of saying _I'm all right, it's okay, we're okay_. 

"He's reached out to me recently." Niall breaks the silence, voice still quiet and lost, almost like he's stuck in his head. 

"Oh?" 

Niall hums. "Says he'd like to meet up, talk and that he's sorry about it all. Really, really sorry." 

Louis nods, swallows. "I wonder why he's so caught up all of a sudden." He mumbles, head lolling back as he stares directly into the dim sun above them. 

"He's tried before, multiple times, but I never respond. Same with you?" Niall glances over at him now. Louis sees spots in his eyes, but still doesn't move. 

"Yeah," You have no idea, he thinks. But then again, maybe he does. Maybe Harry's been trying to reach out to Niall, his ex best friend of six years, just as much as he has Louis, his ex boyfriend of almost two. 

"Sometimes people aren't bad," Niall mutters. "Sometimes they're caught in bad situations, afraid and overwhelmed and lost. Sometimes a certain darkness can creep over them, even in the brightest of lights." 

Louis closes his eyes finally, white spots flashing behind his eyelids. _Maybe_ , he thinks. 

 

*****

 

"How was your day, boo? Not too hard I hope?" Jay asks, hanging her purse on the hook by the door and slipping her burgundy heels off. 

Louis is busying himself with picking up the various toys from around the den, frowning for every new hidden stain he finds. It's going to take him awhile to clean the carpets. But he'll do it, no less, just to make his mum's life that much easier. He stands, offering Jay a hug which she glady accepts. 

"It went well, I think. Went out for awhile with all of them, tired 'em out." 

His mum smiles against his chest before pulling away, placing her hands on either of his cheeks. "Thank you, love."

Louis responds by kissing her cheek and telling her he's calling out for pizza, to sit and relax and unwind. After semi-successfully picking up the room, he checks on the twins who've taken to their room. They're watching Frozen for the millionth time and Louis has no idea how they can stand to hear Love is an Open Door anymore. Personally, he was done by the third time. 

Lottie and Fizzy left after they arrived home, both claiming dates. Louis told them to be home at a decent time or he'd unleash the array of unflattering pictures he's got of them all over Instagram. He thinks he successfully frightened them. 

So, on a Friday evening, Louis slips into his black sweats and a hoodie and sinks down onto the couch beside his mother, handing her a glass of wine and sipping his own. The Great British Bake Off is playing on the television and he's comfortable. This is home. 

As an advert slips on, he turns to his mum. 

"How was the interview?" He asks carefully, because she hasn't said anything about it but he can't just _not_ ask.

Jay's lips twitch as she takes a sip of her wine, eyes trained on the TV. 

"I got the job," She mumbles and Louis pounces the second the words are out. 

"Congratulations, mum! Oh, I'm so happy for you!" He smiles, hugging her tight and kissing her cheek over and over. 

Jay laughs, attempting to shove him off. 

"Thanks, baby, but I can't breathe!" She chuckles. 

Louis lets her go, begrudgingly, and smiles at her. "This is so exciting. We should celebrate." 

Jay grins. "This is enough for me; having you here is celebration enough, boo." 

Louis rolls his eyes exaggeratedly, shaking his head. "Sap." 

The pizza gets there soon after and the twins rush downstairs as soon as they smell it, squealing at the fact that they get two treats in one day. They rattle off about their day out to Jay, who listens intently. Louis smiles when they mention how much fun they had with him, agreeing that they'll do it again before he leaves back. They get a little upset about that, apparently having forgotten that Louis wasn't staying forever. He almost cries. Almost. 

After dinner, he cleans up. He makes Jay go take a seat on the couch as he gather dishes and cleans them off, humming a tune. Louis thinks about Niall, about their short but meaningful talk. About a possible turning point in his life. He wants to share it with his mum. So he does. 

"Mum," He calls, placing the last dish on the rack to dry. "I've got to talk to you." 

Before Jay can get into the kitchen, Louis is sitting down next to her on the couch, legs crisscrossed. She turns, wary look on her face, setting her wine glass down on the table. They face each other and Louis takes a deep breath because this is kind of a big deal. 

"You know Harry, right?" And well, duh. Brilliant way to start a conversation. 

Jay's face is teetering on amused as she says, "Yes, why?" 

Louis sighs. "I wasn't honest with you." He says. 

Jay's brows crease, she leans in a bit. "What do you mean, babe?" 

Louis shakes his head, searching for a way to put this. "We, um, well, we were together, I guess?" He sounds unsure, meek. 

Jay tilts her head slightly. "I'm not getting it." 

He sighs again, clasping his hands together. 

"In sixth form, when he'd just moved here, we became friends, right?" Jay nods slowly. "Well, we became more than that after awhile. We were together, secretly, obviously. No one knew, which was hard." Jay catches on then, just barely schooling her expression. "Anyway, the reason we, fell out, I guess, is because he outed me. In front of other people. Humiliated me and laughed and just, just really said and did awful, unforgivable things." 

At this, Jay reaches for his hand, squeezing it. 

"He had this friend, Niall, his best friend, really. And the very first time I went out after my whole, y'know, episode, I ran into them. Niall asked if I was the boy who'd-" Louis swallows, throat tight and mouth dry. "If I was the boy who'd raped Harry." 

Jay's jaw drops, eyes wide and stormy like there are a million things going through her mind at once but she can't sort out a single thing to say. 

"I left, ran, never looked back. Niall and I crossed paths a few weeks ago when I'd gone out to lunch with Zayn. And again today. He explained to me what his side was, and I forgave him because he had no idea. He and Harry haven't spoken since then. But," He takes a breath, steeling himself. "Harry and I had lunch." 

Jay's eyes get wider, if at all possible. "What? Why?" 

"I don't know. I don't, really. But it went better than I expected. And by that I mean I didn't throw a plate at his head, so. It counts for something. We talked a lot, cried, too. Both of us. He seemed genuinely torn up and sorry about it all, but." Louis shrugs, lost for words and not quite ready to say the ones he's thinking. 

Jay absorbs this information for a moment, eyes searching Louis' and hand still clasped over his own. 

"Louis, I'm sorry. I can't believe you had to go through all of that alone. I just, I had no idea. How could I not of seen it? Pieced it together? I'm your mum, for Christ's sake, how could I have let you down like that?" Her eyes are brimming with tears and Louis shakes his head forcefully. 

"No," He says fiercely. "I refuse to let you blame yourself for any of this. It wasn't you. I should've told you. But I wasn't alone, if it helps. I had Zayn and he's wonderful, you know." 

Jay gives a watery smile and nods. "I do love him. But I still can't believe this. I let Harry into my house, Lou, our house. God. Does his mother know?" 

Louis shakes his head. He wonders if Jay knows about Harry's therapy and suicide attempts, since she had kept up at least a bit with Anne and Gemma, Harry himself even. He knows she must be feeling shocked at this news, that this boy she thought she knew was completely different from her perspective. Louis knows the feeling. He won't ask though, because those are Harry's stories to tell. Those are his battles he's fought and his scars he's earned. He won't do that to him. 

"He isn't out still, mum. So please-" 

Jay shushes him. "I won't, Louis. I'd never. I've half a mind to ring his neck, but I wouldn't do _that_ to anyone, not even the boy whose done the same thing to my baby." 

 

*****

 

Louis knocks against the pale blue door in front of him, shuffling back and forth on his Vans clad feet. Zayn's invited him over for a lad's night with him and Liam, promising beer and FIFA and Louis, of course, couldn't turn that down. The door opens in front of him revealing Liam's wide grin. Louis is pulled into a hug before he can even say hello. 

"All right?" Liam greets, finally letting Louis go. 

"All right." Louis replies, adjusting the black cap on his head. Liam smiles again, eyes crinkling before he steps back, letting Louis into Zayn's cozy flat. 

The latter is on the floor, setting up the game for when they're ready to play. He greets Louis with a fist bump and if he's being honest, Louis prefers Liam's greetings over Zayn's any day, no contest. 

He says as much as he slumps onto the couch. 

Zayn scoffs indignantly and Louis pretends not to notice the small smile on his lips. He knows Zayn's glad that Louis and Liam get on as well as they do, because Louis is difficult and doesn't like sharing Zayn and doesn't plan on changing that anytime soon. But for Liam, he makes an exception. Liam comes through the kitchen, passing out beers and cracking open his own, watching Zayn with absolute adoration as he fiddles with the game console. Once they all settle in, Louis on the small love seat and the other two on the main couch, the game starts along with colorful curses from each boy. 

Louis thinks that maybe if Zayn weren't practically glued to Liam's side, he might win a few matches. But alas, he can't seem to unstick himself from the giant puppy and loses. Three times in a row, to be exact. Louis is glowing. 

"Fuck off," Zayn mutters, pouting and crossing his arms. A gesture that Liam can't help but coo at, wrapping his arms around Zayn and forcing him into a bear hug. 

Louis snorts, sipping down the last of his sixth beer. He stands to grab another, asking the others if they'd like one. Zayn responds with cursing Louis out again and Liam asks if Louis could, please, if it isn't too much of a bother, grab him a beer also. 

He's bent down in front of the fridge when his phone pings in his sweat pants' pocket. 

He grabs the beers and sets them on the counter before pulling his phone out. His heart jumps at the name as he reads over the text. 

 **Harry** : Knock knock.

Louis hesitates, small smile playing his lips, fingers hovering over the keyboard before he texts back. 

 **Louis** : Who's there?

Of course he chooses to indulge Harry. He can't help himself; it's what he does. 

He grabs the beers from the counter and makes his way back to the den, where he immediately regrets going. Liam and Zayn are engaged in a battle of the tongues as Louis sets the beers down, rather loudly, and sits back on his spot. The two break apart at the sound, startled. 

"Sorry," Liam blushes, lacing his fingers with Zayn's. They're cute. 

Louis hates them.

He waves Liam off, peering at the telly to see what they've turned it to. Zayn's always been a sore loser, so Louis isn't surprised to see that he's turned off the game in favor of watching a show. Inbetweeners, of course. He watches for a while, reverently ignoring his phone that's burning a hole in his sweats. He refuses to check it every five seconds. It pings as a commercial comes on and he grabs for it quickly, unlocking it and reading the text. 

 **Harry** : A cow goes.

Louis snorts, texting back quickly. He breifly wonders if he should be doing this, texting Harry like everything is back to normal, when he'd told him that it wasn't. That it wouldn't be. He pushes the thought back as he send the text.

 **Louis** : A cow goes who?

Louis glances up after locking his phone to see Zayn's eyes narrowed on him. 

"Who's that?" He asks, the picture of suspicious best friend who is trying to double as his mother. 

"My mum." Louis replies coolly. Zayn watches him for a moment more before turning to the TV and snuggling further into Liam's side. 

Harry texts back quicker this time and Louis does not get excited at this prospect. 

 **Harry** : No, a cow goes moo. 

Louis suppresses a groan because Jesus, Harold, really? 

 **Louis** : That was just awful. Painful, even.

 **Harry** : You love it. 

 **Louis** : On the contrary, you love it.

 **Harry** : Guilty as charged. How are you?

 **Louis** : I'm well. Yourself?

 **Harry** : Peachy. 

Louis vehemently ignores the little peach emoji Harry sends, rolling his eyes. 

 **Louis** : Good on you, mate.

Louis can be casual. He is the definition of casual. 

 **Harry** : Thanks, m8. 

Right smartass, he is. Before Louis has the chance to voice this, Harry sends another text.

 **Harry** : What are you up to, then?

He bites his lip as he texts back. 

 **Louis** : Lad's night. How about you? Knitting? Bingo?

 **Harry** : I save that for Wednesdays, actually. I'm with Gemma and a few friends.

 **Louis** : Tell her I said hello. 

And he almost smacks himself because in what world does he want Harry to admit to Gemma that they're texting? Oh god, she'll have so many questions. 

 **Harry** : She says hello to you, too. You could join us, if you'd like?

Louis runs a hand through his hair, swallowing. That's just. No. He couldn't. Shouldn't, really. They aren't on those terms. They don't just casually hang out like old pals, taking the piss. Harry knows this, Louis knows this. So why are either of them even thinking about it? He can picture Harry now, lip between his two long fingers, idly staring at his phone waiting for a response. He knows what he's asked, surely. He knows the response he'll get. 

 **Louis** : You know I can't, Harry. 

And for some reason, there's a sinking feeling in his gut. As though he's the one being rejected. He glances up at Zayn and Liam, who are both cuddled into each other, sleeping. It's sweet. Louis snaps a picture. There's a tugging feeling in his heart, though. Like maybe he wants to be the one on the other side of the picture, snuggled up and sleeping sound with someone who loves him just as much as he loves them. Who is proud to call him their boyfriend. Who absolutely adores him, even on his worst days. Who thinks he's the sun and moon all at once, just wanting to be the stars that surround him and the clouds that hover near him. 

Harry doesn't text back.

Louis doesn't think about it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well? (:


	6. I'm Betting I'm Not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few curveballs here. Please don't hit me.
> 
> Songs for this chapter: 
> 
> Lego House - Ed Sheeran   
> Fireproof - One Direction  
> BITE - Troye Sivan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, so I've merged two chapters together. So this one's a bit longer than usual. Hope you like it!

When Louis woke up this morning, he was not expecting the day to end up so...Debauched. There are just certain things you don't see coming. 

Louis' mum is in the kitchen preparing the weeks' worth of lunches for the girls. She'd shooed Louis out as soon as she realized he'd been eating everything she prepared. So he's been watching a bit of television until the chime of the doorbell came. He meanders to the door, expecting the post man or something of that sort but instead he got the biggest middle finger of all when Mark appears on the other side of the wood frame, envelope in hand and stilted smile on his lips. 

"Louis! How are you?" Mark greets, awkward half wave and all. 

Louis takes him in and to be quite blunt, he looks like absolute shit. His hair is a bit of a mess, his eyes have dark bags under them and he seems to be thinner. He's the picture of Stress. Louis almost cringes. 

"Mark, 'm well, thanks." He replies warily. Louis glances back over his shoulder. Jay hasn't come out of the kitchen yet, so there's a good sign. He turns his attention back to Mark. "What can I do for ya, then?" It comes out short, agitated. And well, he is a bit. Mark is his father, he loves him. But Jay is his mother and he'd kill and be killed for her, no qualms about it. So. 

Mark clears his throat, seeming nervous as he shuffles around. "Is your mum home?" He asks, glancing over Louis' shoulder and into the house he lived in not but two months prior. Louis shifts, blocking his view. 

"'Fraid not." He answers shortly. But, as his luck happens to be, his mother comes out of the kitchen at that exact moment, wiping her hands over her old pink apron she'd tossed on. 

"Lou, dear, who was it?" She asks. Jay makes her way to Louis before stopping dead in her tracks in the middle of the den, paling. "Oh." 

Oh indeed. 

Louis straightens, eyes locking on his mother who is still frozen in the middle of the room. "Mum, I've got it-" 

"Jay, we need to talk." Mark interrupts and he's lucky that his mum is here or Louis would knock him right between the eyes. Interrupting people is _rude_. 

Louis watches as Jay worries her bottom lip between her teeth for what feels like an eternity before she gives a single nod. Wordlessly, Mark brushes past Louis, patting his back and making his way to Jay, who looks like she might faint at any given moment. She mumbles something and they both disappear upstairs. Louis stays in the doorway, eyes wide and mouth agape. What the hell was that?

It takes him a few minutes to recover before he closes the front door, falling onto the couch with a huff. He can't hear any yelling, so he supposes that's a good sign. At any rate, he's worried about his mum. She hasn't seen Mark since he left; dropping the girls off and tearing away before she can catch sight of him in his parents' home. If he still even stays there; for all Louis knows, he's gotten himself a home by now. Louis doesn't ask and Jay doesn't tell and none of the girls speak about him, either. His mum's never quite explained why Mark left in the first place; Louis doesn't feel it appropriate to ask. He figures it ended how most marriages do; they fell out of love. Or Mark did, at least.

It's been ten minutes and Louis still doesn't hear anything, so he turns his attention back to the television, attempting to focus on Joe Thomas' face. It doesn't work.

*****

Mark and Jay emerge exactly an hour and a half later, both looking even more emotionally drained than before. Jay sends him a half-hearted smile as she walks Mark out, mumbling things back and forth. As soon as the door clicks shut, Louis turns the telly off and switches full attention to his mother.

"What the hell did he want?"

Jay sighs, takes a seat next to Louis and runs a hand through her hair. "Just going over the separation papers, nothing major." 

"Bullshit, why couldn't he discuss that with his lawyer?" Louis spits. 

Jay only shakes her head, "Lou, it's fine. Everything is fine." But she doesn't sound convincing and Louis worries still as she stands and shuffles quietly back into the kitchen, resuming life as normal. Louis doesn't want to ask, really he doesn't, it's none of his business anyway. But. Jay is his mother, he wants to know things about her life and how she feels and he just wants to talk to her. He wants her to cry on his shoulder like she did the first week he got here, wants her to spill her heart out to him. He's listening. He's here. But she's been rather closed off the past few days and Louis is just _worried_. 

It seems like his life lately is just full of worry; worry for his mother, for his sisters, for Zayn and his relationship, for his new friend Liam and his safety if Louis decides to beat him to a pulp if he leaves Zayn, for himself and, regrettably, Harry. 

He worries more about situations involving Harry than Harry himself (or so he's decided to tell himself). 

He worries he'll run into Harry in this huge city where coincidences happen more often than not, that he'll see someone from school that tormented him and call Harry, both laughing at laughing at the fact that Louis' decided to show his face around here again. 

But Louis is brave. He is braver than brave. He supposes he got that from his mother, really. He pulls on a straight face in any given situation, not letting anyone take the piss out of him anymore. He refuses to be that meek, sad boy he was. Louis is brave. 

He thinks his mother needs that reminder about herself now, too. So, in true Louis form, he begins to calculate a plan to remind Jay of just how important, brave and meaningful she truly is. After all, where would Louis be without his mother? Jail, probably. 

*****

"What's this, then?" Fizzy asks as she and Lottie enter the den the next day. Jay's gone to the supermarket and taken the two youngest girls. She'll be back in around an hour and Louis is already pushing it for time as he hangs up pink and yellow streamers in the entryway of the den. He's decorated the entire room with balloons and streamers, glittery gold letters hang from the fireplace spelling out "HO HO HO" and it's the best he could do with his budget of exactly nothing. It's close to Christmas and he couldn't find a sign that said anything non-Christmas related so. He's made due. Jay will understand, he's sure. He's used the extra decorations he found in a box from previous birthdays the girls' have had. It's a mess, truly, the colors clashing hard, but Louis thinks it's the thought that counts. 

He turns around after struggling with a difficult piece of streamer, huffing some fringe from his eyes. "I'm celebrating mum." 

Lottie takes a look around, brows pulled together tightly. She turns back to Louis with a skeptical look across her face. "What'd you do?" 

Louis makes an indignant squawk before considering the repercussions of backhanding his sister right here. He rules against it, turning back to the streamers. "She needs to know she's appreciated. I'm showing her, and you're helping." He finally pins the streamer just right, stepping down from the step stool he was using and turns around to face his sisters. 

"Fizzy, I want you to pull out some ice cream. I bought pop, so get some floats ready, please." Fizzy nods silently, leaving the room. He eyes Lottie now. "Lotts, could you be a dear and make up some finger foods. Something quick and simple, because they'll be back soon." Lottie smiles and nods, kissing his cheek and bounding off to fulfill her mission. 

Louis resumes the finishing touches, eyes casting through all of the decorations. There's various colors ranging from orange to gold and it's fine. He likes it. It's a mess, but it's a controlled mess and if that doesn't sum up his life, he doesn't know what does. 

Lottie finishes up the food in record time, showing Louis the bite sized sandwiches she's prepared. Louis nods his approval before moving on to Fizzy's station, sampling a float and giving her a high five. The twins bound through the door at that moment and they both scream as soon as they see the state the den is in. 

Louis slides into the room with his eldest sisters in tow, all grinning like mad. Jay enters seconds later, eyes wide and brows so high Louis' afraid they'll get stuck in her hairline. She lets out a puff of breath before her eyes land on the three who are responsible.

"What's this?" She breathes, small smile on her lips. The twins are sucking down floats in the kitchen as they speak and Louis almost regrets having Fizzy make them because Daisy and Phoebe are going to be complete monsters later. But that's later, and he'll deal with it. Right now, his mother is the most important. 

He smiles easily, waving around grandly. "This is for you, mum." 

Jay shakes her head slowly, eyes roaming the room once more before she lets out a choked, wet laugh. "Louis, what-"

"We wanted to celebrate you, mum." Lottie explains, smiling wide. "You need to be celebrated." 

Jay breaks into a full on sob at that and Louis rushes to her side, laughing quietly as he wraps her in a hug. "Happy tears, I hope." He mumbles into her hair, rubbing her back. She cries a little harder and Louis begins to panic. What if she doesn't like it? What if it's too much? Oh god, what if-

"I love you all so, so much! I wasn't expecting," She cries, laughing and letting go of Louis to pull his sisters into a hug. "Thank you." She whispers and Louis pretends not to notice how Lottie is crying now, smiling through the tears. 

They all laugh at Louis' choice of decoration, much to his dismay, before he ushers them into the kitchen. The twins are on their third sandwich a piece when they all walk in. 

"Floats and sandwiches, the dinner of champions." Louis announces, making his mum chuckle. She pats his back, sliding past him to grab a float and taking a tentative sip. 

"Wow, this is really good." She praises, brows raised in surprise. 

"I had nothing to do with it." Louis explains, pointing towards Fizzy. "She did." 

Jay compliments Fizzy, beaming at her before she takes a sandwich, eyeing it warily. "And who made these?" Her eyes dance across her kids.

Lottie laughs and raises a hand. "I did, you're fine to eat it. Louis was nowhere near the food." 

Louis scoffs, crossing his arms and feigning irritation but he fails, smiling wide as his mother makes a noise of appreciation through the bite she takes. 

"Thank you all for this lovely surprise," Jay grins as they all sit down in the den. "I love it." 

"We know you've been stressing lately, for good reason, and you need a reminder of how appreciated you are. So." Louis shrugs, not bothering to finish his thoughts. Jay still seems to be a little stunned that he managed this in the matter of an hour and a half and he himself is a bit astounded. 

They sit and chat a bit more about Jay's day, all throwing in small compliments here and there, making Jay smile and that's all Louis really wants today. His mum deserves to smile everyday. 

The twins are soon ushered to bed by Lottie and Fizzy, agreeing to read a story to them and disappearing up the stairs and leaving Louis and Jay alone. Jay turns to him, apprehensive look on her face and Louis doesn't like that. This day is meant for happiness, nothing less. 

"What is it?" He asks, watching her fidget. "Is it Mark again? I'll take care of it, mum, just tell me-"

"Lou, I'm," She pauses, shaking her head slightly before glancing down at her hands in front of her. "I'm pregnant." 

Louis will seriously kill Mark if-

Wait.

_What?_

"Wait, what?" He voices his thoughts, completely caught off guard because what? 

Jay sighs, finally looking up at him. A mix of emotions are whirling through Louis' head right now. Anger, disappointment, confusion, excitement. The one that stands out most is excitement but he holds it in, unsure of whether this is something to let himself get excited about. After all, the situation is different than that of the last time Jay announced she was pregnant. She's single now that Mark's fucked off, leaving her to raise four girls by herself and now an additional child is on the way and Louis is a little overwhelmed at the prospect of another sibling but this isn't about him. Right. It's about Jay. Louis takes a deep breath.

"So, okay," He starts, running a hand through his fringe. "Okay." He repeats because shit, what is he supposed to say? "Shit." Maybe not that, but. Oops. 

Jay lets out a light chuckle. "Yes, shit. Exactly." She seems as lost as he is. 

"When did you, y'know, find out?" He asks, waving a hand around towards her stomach. 

"The day before yesterday." 

Louis sits for a minute, mind whirling. "Does Mark know?" He's assuming it's Marks' anyway. Jesus, what if it isn't?

"I told him yesterday when he came by." She replies, and thank fuck. "He's still, I guess, absorbing?" 

Louis hums, biting his bottom lip. He doesn't want to ask the obvious question that's floating in between them. It's invasive and maybe probably none of his business, borderline rude, really. 

"Are you keeping it?" And well, Louis' never been good at biting his tongue. 

Jay's eyes widen slightly as she answers, "Of course, you git." 

And at that, the tension is suddenly gone. Louis lets out a sudden burst of laughter, pulling Jay into a hug, and smiling. Jay hugs back tightly, albiet a little shaky. 

"I don't know when to tell the girls." She says quietly as they let go of each other. 

Louis sighs, running a hand down his mother's arm. "Maybe wait a bit? I'm just, I don't know how they'll take it right now, mum." 

Jay nods, completely agreeing and Louis hugs her again, repeating that he's here for her, he'll always be here. And he's just so glad she's chosen to tell him. 

This is good, he thinks. 

*****

Lottie wakes Louis up the next morning by pouncing on him, pulling him from his dream about Patrick Dempsey and he'll never, _ever_ forgive her for it. He groans, shoving at her and sending her toppling to the floor. But Lottie is a resilient little shit, so she climbs up to her feet and starts slapping his back repeatedly until Louis has to bite the urge to scream in his sister's face. He turns over, opening one eye and glaring as best as he can. 

"What." He deadpans. 

Lottie's hair is all over the place, falling from her half-arsed bun, sleep still in her wide eyes. She looks a bit frantic though, so Louis sits up, rubbing his eyes and yawning, waiting for her explanation. 

She doesn't though, just shoves her phone into his face. He groans at how bright the screen is, batting it away. Lottie only does it again and Louis takes the hint, glaring at her again. He's slightly disturbed by the amount of silence coming from his sister, but she's always been an odd one. He snatches the phone from her hand, letting his eyes adjust before he reads over it. It's Facebook. Wait. It's Harry's Facebook. Which, why. He glances back up at Lottie quizzically but she only motions towards the phone wildly. He stares at the screen, his brain taking a bit longer to process things since it's arse o'clock in the morning. 

When he finally realizes what it is he's looking at, he lets out an audible gasp. Lottie nods madly from above him. 

Harry posted a status only moments ago announcing he's coming out; he's gay. Louis' brain is scrambling. He reads through it six more times before he peers up at Lottie, who looks like a mad woman.  

"What," Louis breathes, glancing back down at the phone and then back up at Lottie. "What?"

Lottie appears to be bursting at the seams. She grabs her phone from Louis and stares at it, a hint of awe in her voice when she finally speaks. "I just, I was scrolling through and this just, like, popped up." She looks back at Louis. "He's really done it, Lou." 

And yes, he really has. This is a day Louis didn't think he'd ever see, Harry coming out to everyone. Everyone. Everyone who made fun of Louis for being openly gay, everyone who laughed along with Harry at Louis' expense. This is big. This is huge, monumental. God, Louis can't imagine how fucking scared Harry must've been to make that post. To share this with everyone he knows. He thinks of how much thought Harry had to of put into this, his reasons behind it and when he finally mustered up the courage to write it down. Type it out. Post it. Jesus. Lottie is staring at Louis when he pulls himself back together. 

"Sorry, 'm just a bit," He waves his hand around in a motion that he hopes conveys well enough what he means. He can't form words right now, really. 

Lottie nods, eyes wide as saucers still. "I know. I know. This is," She shakes her head, phone clutched to her chest. "Major."

Louis hums in agreement. 

Lottie sits down, finally, crossing her legs at the end of his bed, facing him. Her expressions' changed into something of hesitation and Louis feels like he knows where this is going. 

"So, are you, like, going to say something to him?" She asks, biting her lip immediately after as if she hadn't meant to ask that out loud. 

Louis picks at a thread on his blanket. "What, like, welcome him to the official club? Send him an honorary lifetime membership? A gift card to Rainbow Depot?" Louis huffs, glancing up at his sister. 

"I meant like, congratulate him, twat." She replies lamely, clearly unimpressed.

"Lottie, I've known Harry wasn't straight since the first time I saw him. It isn't exactly news to me." He answers. 

Lottie sighs, shaking her head. A hard look crosses her face as she says, "But it's news to the eight hundred people he has on his Facebook. It's news to his friends." She peers down at her phone again before back at Louis. "Do you remember when you first came out? Do you remember how absolutely terrified you were?"

"Of course I do," Louis scoffs. 

"Okay, imagine that but like, well, probably less since he wasn't forced out." Louis cringes. "I don't like Harry, at all, but the guy was so far in the closet he was finding Christmas presents." Louis snorts.  

Louis lets out a breath, watching Lottie. "So, you think just because I'm also gay that I should reach out? Band together with him through our mutual gayness?" 

Lottie shoves him, hard, and laughs. "Louis! Just send him a simple text, Jesus!" And with that, she leaves. He's left to wonder why his sister is pushing this so hard when she loathes Harry so much. It's strange, unnatural, uncalled for. He's a bit dramatic, maybe, but he isn't wrong.

Louis stews in his thoughts for a while before he grabs his phone, pulling up the Facebook app and searching Harry. He's only just reopened his own Facebook after shutting it down for the past two years. He hasn't added Harry, hasn't thought to. But, of course, Harry's page is private. Louis huffs, scowling at his phone. His finger hovers over the Add button. 

"Fuck it," He mumbles, clicking it and exiting the app, setting his phone down in front of himself and decidedly _not_ staring at it. And when it lights up with a notification, he does not grab it immediately. 

Harry accepts his request not but five minutes later and Louis opens his page with shaky hands. The very first post is his coming out post. The number of likes has grown to upwards of two hundred just since Louis last looked. There are over thirty comments now. Louis scrolls through, smile tugging at his lips at all of the support Harry's recieving. 

But also. 

Louis frowns. 

This isn't fair, is it? It isn't fair that Harry, the boy who maimed his heart, the boy who humiliated him, outed him, is receiving this mass amount of support for being the very same person Louis is. It's just, it's a little fucked, Louis thinks. It's great that Harry's receiving such great feedback, but Louis still has that strange twisted feeling in his gut. It's heavy and dark and he doesn't like it.

What he does like, however, is the post. 

That'll do, he thinks, closing the app and locking his phone. He knows Harry will see it. That's as much as Louis decides he wants to do. 

But. 

Maybe Lottie's right? 

A text couldn't hurt, he thinks. 

He unlocks his phone, pulling up the text thread between himself and Harry. He sighs, seeing the last text was one he sent on the night that Harry asked him to come out. He starts typing.

 _Hey, it's okay to be gay._  

No. Too insensitive. He deletes it, tries again. 

_How are you? Besides gay._

And no, still too blunt. Jesus. He tries again. 

 _Congratulations on the big coming out, hope you're well._  

Ah, good. Louis adds a few celebratory emojis for some added pizzaz. He reads over it for any mistakes before he hits send, not over-thinking. Well. Maybe over-thinking a bit.

Because what does this mean? Harry's finally come out. Nineteen year old Louis would be over the fucking moon at this, celebrating by giving Harry a blowjob and finally smiling at the fact that he gets to openly flaunt his boyfriend. He'd let Harry shine, glowing beside him and basking in his happiness. His self confidence and pride showing as he finally accepts who he is. But Louis is not nineteen anymore.

Harry isn't his to celebrate. 

His phone buzzes in his hand and his heart jumps in his chest. 

_Thank you. It means a lot, Louis. Really. If not for you, none of this would have happened._

Louis reads it over a few times. _If not for you, none of this would have happened._ Well is that a good thing, or a bad thing? He thinks, scrubbing a hand over his face. He realizes he hasn't left his bed at all since he woke up and his bladder is definitely fuller than normal. Concerned for his health, he sets his phone down before shuffling to the bathroom, relieving himself. 

When he gets back, there's another text from Harry. 

_Would you like to have a Friend Lunch with me? Tomorrow?_

Louis' heart stutters and he hates himself for reacting the way he does. This is Harry, for Christ's sake. Louis is not supposed to feel like an overgrown school girl when he gets asked for lunch. He's supposed to hate him for eternity, denying any requests to see him. He just shot Harry down days ago when he'd asked the same thing. So why would Louis agree now? He isn't even quite sure when they decided to become friends. He never agreed to that. 

But Louis' never been rational. 

So he texts back. 

_Sure, pal. What time?_

*****

Louis is Stressed™. There is no one more stressed than Louis.

Well. Besides Jay.

She'd broken the news to the girls the evening after telling Louis and that isn't exactly what he meant by "wait a bit". He meant more like wait a few years, when the kid is grown and can announce it himself. There were a lot of tears, a lot of screaming and lot of door slamming. Hormones were flying everywhere and Louis had to duck to avoid them. Louis literally had to duck to avoid a shoe that was thrown in the midst of it all, narrowly saving his own life. 

In the end, Jay had cried to him. The girls barricaded themselves in their rooms, save for Phoebe and Daisy who were beyond excited, not understanding the circumstances of it all, just happy about a new baby. To say it hadn't gone well was an understatement. Louis had a long discussion with his mum, including every factor before making a decision that took his mother off guard completely. 

"I'm gonna stay a bit longer." He conceded evenly. 

Jay had argued for a good while, claiming she didn't need him. Louis only scoffed, hugged her again and that ended it really. He was going to stay until just after New Year, adding two weeks to his original plan. Another month here, he thought. He could manage. 

Now, Louis was sat in the middle of Lottie's room as she explains to him, through tears, exactly why she reacted the way she did. Louis has one hour until his Friend Lunch with Harry and he doesn't seem to be getting anywhere with Lottie. 

"It's just, how could she be so daft? She has so many of us already, I just-" She sniffles. "I just don't understand." 

Louis sighs. "These things happen, Lotts. Often. I'm living proof that no matter how prepared you are, you aren't prepared enough." 

"How is a baby meant to fit into this equation, though? With dad and mum, and you now, and it's just a mess, Lou. A complete mess and I don't agree with it at all." 

"It's not your decision to agree with, Lottie." He replies, rolling his eyes. Maybe he's being insensitive, but he's been going at it with Lottie for over an hour now. 

"God," She groans. "You sound just like _her_." 

"Good! I strive to sound like mum, to be like her. You should too." 

Lottie groans again, stuffing a pillow over her face. He thinks he hears a muffled _shut up_ , but decides to ignore. 

"You should apologize, Lotts. Mum's gutted over your reaction. Absolutely torn up." Louis mumbles. "She doesn't deserve that. You know it." 

Lottie remains silent and Louis decides this is his time to leave so she can reflect on her actions and her wrongs and all that jazz. 

He shuts her door behind himself, heaving a deep sigh. Who knew teenage girls could be so horrible? 

Besides everyone on earth, ever. 

*****

"I'm glad you made it," Harry greets, looking godlike as ever. Louis hates him. "How are you?" 

Their Friend Lunch is at a bistro Louis picked out, small and tucked away. Private, even. Harry was there before Louis because he's The Most Punctual person Louis' ever met. He's tamed his pretty curls with a forest green scarf and Louis hates how it matches his eyes. Hates how it reminds him of the last conversation they had about scarves. Hates him for looking so damn good in nothing but jeans and a gray shirt. Clearing his throat, he answers Harry.

"I'm well. Life's been...Interesting lately. How are you?" 

Harry lifts his eyes from his menu, small smile tugging his lips. And fuck him, honestly. It should be illegal to look that good. "I'm well. Been pretty _interesting_ in my own life." 

Louis lets out a quiet laugh. "So I hear." 

Harry sets his menu down then, sighing. "It's been tough, to be completely honest." Louis wants to snort. Harry doesn't know tough. He holds it in, lets Harry finish. "Most of my friends have fucked off. Say it's weird, they don't want me ogling them." Harry is the one who snorts, shaking his head. "As if." 

"They sound like proper arseholes anyway." Louis puts in, sipping his water. This is casual. It's weird, how easy conversation flows between them. When neither of them fucks it up, that is. 

"They are." Harry chuckles. "I'm glad, though. It's nice to weed out all of the negative energy, y'know?" 

Louis hums, nodding. "Positive vibes and all that, yeah?"

Harry giggles. Actually giggles like a schoolchild and Louis thinks about hitting him just to stop him from doing it again. 

"Right," Harry smiles. "Anyway, mum and Gems were proper ecstatic about it. Pretty sure a party is in the works." 

Louis grins at him, knowing exactly how over the top Anne and Gemma get when Big Things happen. 

"I'll be expecting my invitation in the mail," Louis sniffs, making Harry giggle again. Louis can't decide if it's the absolute best or absolute worst sound he's ever heard. He thinks it teeters somewhere in the middle. 

"Of course. VIP pass, even." Harry laughs, winking. 

Wait, are they flirting? Oh, fuck. No. This isn't okay. Louis didn't come here to flirt or be flirted with. He needs to right this situation, nip it in the bud. 

He clears his throat, averting his gaze down to the menu in front of him. His nails drag over his thighs through his jeans in an attempt to ground himself. 

"So," He swallows. "What are you getting?" 

Harry hums, oblivious to his inner turmoil and looks over his own menu again. "I think I'll be getting the broccoli grilled cheese, gluten free bun of course." 

Louis snorts, shaking his head. "Of course." 

Harry smiles at him and Louis thinks the sun is shining a bit brighter. He hates it. 

"What about you, Lou?" 

Louis ceases himself from the repetitive track of _LouLouLou_ rolling through his brain long enough to answer.

"Ah, think I'll get the cheese burger, extra cheese. Maybe add some chili." He peers up at Harry, whose mouth is agape, green eyes wide. "What?" 

Harry shakes his head, pulling himself together. "You're so unhealthy, it's appalling!" He laughs. 

 Louis shrugs, smirking. "Junk food is good. I don't make the rules, sorry." Harry laughs. "You're the gross one for ordering a broccoli grilled cheese. Honestly, H?" 

Harry laughs out loud, covering his mouth with a way too big hand, eyes bright. "It's good!" 

Louis doesn't agree, but he doesn't argue. This could go on forever. They order their food, mindlessly chatting about anything and everything. 

"So, I, uh, I talked to Niall." Louis breathes, unable to help himself. If Harry is only pulling some kind of shit, he wants to know. And since Harry hasn't ever been good at lying, at least to Louis, he decides now is the time to bring it up. 

Harry only nods once, setting his drink down and leveling Louis' gaze. "What about?" 

"You, mostly." He replies, not missing Harry's small smirk. Louis hates it when Harry smirks. It makes him tingly. 

"Oh?" 

Louis nods, biting his lip. God, why is it so hot in here? It's _awfully_ hot. Sweltering, even. Louis fans himself before he meets Harry's eyes again. He's watching Louis, drinking him in, really and Louis gets even hotter. Jesus. What is wrong with him? 

Could be he hasn't had a good wank in awhile. It's not like he hasn't gotten laid; there was Zayn and then that one stranger whose name he can't remember for the life of him. Maybe that's just the effect Harry has on him. 

Harry chooses this time to speak. 

"What about me, Louis?" He asks, voice slow and sweet like honey. 

God. When did this conversation take a turn to Hell? 

"Just, y'know, that you've reached out to both of us." Louis replies, voice only faltering once. He mentally pats himself on the back for it. 

Harry hums, opens his mouth to reply when their food comes. They both thank their server and Louis begins to eat his over the top burger, humming in appreciation. Harry takes a bite of his food, also, but his reaction is a bit more graphic, in Louis' opinion. 

Harry moans. Literally moans. Louis thinks it a miracle that they don't get escorted out right then because Christ. 

He almost chokes on his food, barely catching himself. He eyes Harry again. 

He's watching him again, a hint of amusement present in his green eyes. Has Louis mentioned how much he hates Harry?

"How is it?" Louis asks. 

Harry smiles a bit. "Amazing." 

"I bet." 

*****

"When are you due back to Seattle?" Harry asks as they finish up their meals. 

Louis sips his water, "After New Year." 

Harry's eyes widen a bit, he dabs his mouth with a napkin. "I thought-"

"Extended stay." Louis replies coolly. He isn't about to spill his life to Harry. No, thanks.

Louis knows his limits. 

"Ah," Harry nods. "Well, that's nice. Least you'll be here for Christmas. And your birthday." 

"My birthday is the _most_ important." Louis states as if it's a well known fact across the globe. 

Harry indulges though, he always does. He nods, small smile on his plush lips. "I know." 

And Harry does know. Louis remembers the huge surprise party Harry had orchestrated for him one year, the cake he'd ordered, the decorations and the music and the people. And the sex. Louis loved the sex. Harry knew how to throw a party, but Harry knew how to end one, too. And man, was he good at it. 

Louis realizes off-handedly that his jeans are getting tighter. Shit. 

"Do you remember that year I threw you a surprise party?" Harry asks because he's a complete shithead and he can apparently read Louis' mind. 

Louis swallows, "Yeah. Quite the rager, that." And he may or may not be talking about the party. Definitely not the situation in his pants. 

Harry nods slowly, watching Louis from across the small table. Louis feels like this space is too tight. There isn't enough room between him and Harry; he can smell his aftershave, feel his body heat. This isn't good. 

"Do you," Harry pauses, bites his lip. "Do you remember the _after_ party?" 

And fuck, Louis needs him to shut up right now. It's gotten at least ten times hotter in here since this conversation has started. He swallows again, subtly pushing his palm against his dick in order to get some sort of relief. 

Pull it together. 

"Crazy night," Is Louis' reply. He is steadily avoiding eye contact now. Purely for the fact that if he even looks at Harry, he'll have a mess in his pants. 

Harry's quiet for a moment, much to Louis' relief, before he speaks again, "Do you remember that thing that we tried?" He asks lowly, voice dropping a few decibles and Louis refrains from whining. This isn't fair. 

"Jesus," Louis breathes quietly, dick throbbing in his jeans. 

Harry shifts in his seat. 

"Do you, Louis?" His voice authoritative, strong. 

Louis groans, eyes meeting Harry's. 

"Yes." He rasps, taking note of how Harry's eyes darken. 

And Jesus does he remember. Harry had befriended google for a good portion of their relationship, always looking for new things to try with Louis. It always turned Louis on how hard Harry tried to please him. But. On the night of Louis' birthday, Harry suggested something else. A shift in authority, if you will. Harry asked Louis very politely if he'd please rim him until he cried. Louis remembers almost crying himself at hearing the words. He did, though. He ate Harry out until the younger boy was a sobbing, pleading, incoherent mess. And then Louis got to fuck him senseless. It was the best sex he'd ever, _ever_ had. Not something easily forgotten. 

Harry smirks, "That was a really, _really_ great party." 

Fuck him, honestly. 

Louis rolls his eyes, huffing in annoyance. More at himself than Harry, at his dick mostly for putting him in this situation. 

"Was all right." Louis replies lamely, pretending to check his cuticles. 

"Oh? Just all right?" Harry asks, voice amused. 

Louis hums, "Yeah. S'pose it could've been better." 

Harry scoffs across from him. "Would it have been better if I was the one who ate your ass for a solid hour until you begged for my dick, Lou?" Harry whispers, smirking. "Could that have made your night? Getting that ass properly fucked?" 

Christ. Harry's dirty talk has gotten loads better. Louis sucks in a breath, biting his lip and willing himself not to picture being sprawled out on his stomach, Harry's tongue inside of him. 

"Shame we never tried it that way." Harry comments. 

As rotten as he's acting right now, Louis knows Harry is just as hard as he is under the table. He's just a smidge better at concealing it. 

And before Louis can clear his sex-addled mind, he's speaking. 

"There's always next time."

Maybe Louis doesn't know his limits. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes!


	7. Spring Keeps You Ever Close

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy and don't forget to tell me what you think so far! (: I appreciate you all. 
> 
> Songs for this chapter: 
> 
> PILLOWTALK - Zayn   
> A.M. - One Direction

There had been a silent agreement made between Louis and Harry that this was happening; this was real. Crashing into Harry's flat, Louis was pressed up against the wall immediately, their lips coming together roughly. Harry kisses him like his life depends on it, like Louis is a crystal fall and Harry's been in the Sahara for years. There are moments in Louis' life that he keeps locked away, sealed tight in a box with no key. He thinks this will be one of those moments. He'll lock it up, hiding it. Not out of fear, but out of uncertainty. He knows he shouldn't be kissing Harry back, he shouldn't have agreed to come to his flat with him, shouldn't have said the things he said at lunch. Maybe he shouldn't have even agreed to lunch in the first place. But it was inevitable, he thinks. Maybe he and Harry were meant to crash and regroup, burning together. 

Maybe.

Harry pins him against the wall, caging him in with his body, his large hands smacking the wall on either side of Louis' head. It would startle him if he wasn't so distracted by the roll of Harry's hips against his own. The spark that shoots up his back, the gasp that escapes his lips, only to be swallowed by Harry's own. Harry tastes like the lemonade he drank with his lunch and Louis feels nostalgic as he lets his own tongue explore Harry's mouth. 

Harry detaches his lips from Louis, mouthing his way down Louis' neck and grazing his teeth against his salty skin. Louis moans low in his throat, hands fisting Harry's curls and pulling lightly. Harry groans, retaliating by sucking hard at Louis' skin in a way that's sure to leave a deep purple mark and _fuck_ does that turn Louis on. Their hips stutter together, grinding with desperation as the air around them grows thick, breathy moans the only sound around them. 

Harry's lips are gone suddenly, leaving Louis' neck cold. His large hand wraps around Louis' wrist and he tugs him down the hallway, family pictures flashing past before he pulls him into his bedroom, shoving him onto the large bed. White sheets pool around Louis' body as Harry hovers over him, eyes dark. Louis fists his soft cotton shirt, pulling him down and into a kiss. It's deep and heated and Louis feels too hot in his clothes. Harry must feel the same because he pulls back, standing at the foot of the bed and stripping his shirt off over his head. Louis marvels in the fact that Harry's body is so different from the last time he saw him naked. His skin is littered with tattoos, a giant butterfly across his stomach. It's lovely and Louis wants to kiss it. He watches with a heated gaze as Harry unbuckles his belt unnecessarily slow, teasing Louis with a small smirk. 

He strips his jeans down, kicking them off along with his briefs and Louis tries not to drool too much. Harry motions for him to sit up, so he does. Long fingers play with the hem of his shirt, tickling his hips before his shirt is being pulled off. Harry holds his gaze, green eyes burning into Louis'. 

"Scoot back, please." Always so polite. Louis does as he's told, quiet and impatient. 

Harry crawls over his body like a predator; careful, purposeful. Louis can only watch, lip between his teeth. Harry's hands find his button and he peers up at Louis, silently asking for permission. Louis nods immediately, not having to think about it. Harry moves quickly, ridding him of his jeans. He leaves Louis' underwear on, fingers grazing over the obvious tent in them. Louis lets out a breath, watching Harry as he lets his fingers roam. Harry is staring at his body with something similar to awe and Louis feels the same, honestly. It's been so long. 

He lets out a breathy moan when Harry suddenly dives in, mouth leaving a wet spot across Louis' briefs as he licks through them. 

"Harry," He closes his eyes, reality washing over him momentarily. "Please." 

And Harry, because he's so polite and understanding, helps Louis out. He hooks his fingers in Louis' pants and pulls them off with an ease that only someone whose done this before has. Immediately, his takes Louis into his mouth, not wasting anytime and Louis thanks anyone who's listening because Harry has always had a good mouth but this. This is amazing. Louis can't even form coherent thoughts as Harry takes him all the way down his throat, moaning around him like he's the one getting pleasure from this. Louis' hips stutter up on accident and he apologizes, eyes wide. 

Harry peers up at him through his lashes, mouth full of Louis and eyes glazed over and _God_. He looks obscene. Absolutely raw and Louis is living for this. It seems Harry is too, because he grasps for Louis' hand and places it on the back of his head, eyes shining. Louis knows what he's asking and fuck. He grips Harry's hair, bucking his hips up into his mouth and it's filthy, really, the moans their both making as Louis fucks Harry's mouth mercilessly. 

It's wrong, they both know that. Louis is here, in his ex-boyfriend's flat, naked and fucking his mouth. It's surreal. And maybe it turns him on a bit. 

He's close, he can feel it. He watches as Harry begins to rut against the sheets, eyes closed and moans wrapping around Louis' cock. Louis pulls him off by his hair, panting. 

"Wha-" Harry rasps.

"Fuck me." Louis interrupts and maybe he sounds a bit desperate but _he is_ so. 

"Fuck, okay," Harry breathes, standing from the bed and pulling the supplies they need from his dresser. He looks absolutely sinful and Louis needs this. He's needed this for years now. Harry inches back up the bed, hovering over Louis again. He's beautiful, Louis thinks, but he won't say it out loud. "How do you want this?" 

And the better part of Louis' brain says that if this is actually happening, if Louis is _really_ going to go through with this, he shouldn't face Harry as Harry rolls into him. He shouldn't let it be that intimate. They've already crossed a line by even letting this happen, or Louis has, at least. 

But. 

The horrible, terrible, mushy side of his brain says that he'd _really_ like to see Harry as he's getting fucked. He'd really like to see everything. It's not intimate, he decides, it just feels better this way. It's a matter of selfishness, he thinks. So. 

"Like this," He says and the smallest of smiles ghosts over Harry's lips before he nods and leans in, capturing Louis' lips in a brief kiss before he slides back down Louis' body. 

Louis attempts, poorly, to control his breathing as Harry drizzles lube over his spidery fingers, lip bitten in concentration like he just wants to get everything _right_. Like he wants this to be perfect. 

They hold each other's gazes as Harry slides his first finger in, slowly. Louis lets out a small whimper when Harry starts to move his finger, his green eyes watching Louis' every movement and this is just. It's a little overwhelming. 

Harry slides a second finger in next to his first and spreads them into a V as he goes, eyes flicking from Louis to his fingers as if he can't decide what's more interesting. He's pointedly avoiding Louis' spot, that much is obvious. Louis is a bit frustrated by now, cock heavy against his stomach, aching to be touched. He clenches his eyes shut as he feels another long finger enter him, finally brushing his prostate. 

He yelps involuntarily, clenching around Harry's fingers. When he opens his eyes, Harry is smirking at him, fingers stilled inside of him. And because Harry is Harry, he waits until they've made eye contact to move and brush over Louis' spot again, and again, watching the way Louis comes undone under his touch. 

"Harry, Harry," He chants, fists clamping the white sheets below him. "Please, 'm close." 

Harry's fingers are gone immediately. 

Louis wants to whine, but he knows what's coming next. Harry sits up, unwraps the foil packet he's so diligently placed next to him and slides the condom on over himself. Louis recalls a time when they stopped using condoms, both wanting to feel as close as they possibly could to each other. It spurs an ache in his chest as he watches Harry coat himself in lube. It's familiar, but so so different. Louis wants to scream because why are these thoughts bothering him now? He has no time to elaborate on them though, because Harry's leaning over him, lining himself up. 

"Are you-" He begins. 

"Yes." Louis interrupts yet again. Yes, he's sure about this. For the most part. 

Harry pushes in and if Louis were a sap (he is) he'd say it's like all of the stars aligned for this moment and this moment only. He forgets all of his previous worries and just feels. Because it's been so long. 

Harry stills above him, letting him adjust. They stare into each other's eyes, panting and damp with sweat already and Louis' chest aches again. He runs a hand through Harry's curls, his touch light. Harry's hand finds a place against Louis' cheek, his thumb rubbing gently across Louis' skin and it's so intimate. There's a mixture of adoration and awe and something else in Harry's stormy green eyes as he leans his forehead against Louis' own. Louis closes his eyes when it all becomes too much. 

"Please," He breathes, barely a whisper. 

Harry's lips ghost against his own before he pulls back, his hand gone, bracing himself on his elbows as he rocks into Louis. It's slow at first, Harry's movements precise as he hits Louis' spot almost every thrust. Louis' hands find their way to Harry's back, fingers digging little crescents in their wake. He finally opens his eyes and he's met with a sight that knocks the breath out of him. 

Harry's curls have become a bit matted, small beads of sweat down his chest and his brow, the muscles in his biceps working to keep him upright over Louis and his plush bottom lip caught between his teeth. He's got such an intense look in his eyes as he peers down at Louis, though, and that's what does it for him. 

Louis hooks his hands behind Harry's neck, pulling him in for a heated kiss, biting Harry's lip and earning a rough groan. When they break, Louis leans up and lets his lips brush Harry's ear. 

"Fuck me, Harry," He breathes, loving the way Harry shudders over him. 

Harry obliges, as usual, and starts pistoning his hips into Louis, breaking away from him and fisting the sheets as a brace. Louis moans, loud and unabashed, head sinking into the pillow and lifting his hips to meet Harry's rough thrusts. 

"Like this?" Harry grunts right as he hits Louis' spot again. 

Louis cries out, back arching off of the bed and hands pulling at his own hair. " _Yes_ , yes, _Harry_ , yes," He babbles, his mind lost to pleasure he hasn't felt in years. 

Harry moans along with him, eyes clenching shut and hips working overtime. " _Lou_ ," He rasps. "Missed you." 

And Louis wants to cry because of course he's missed Harry too. God, he's missed him so much. Heat coils in his belly with every hit to his prostate and he's probably actually crying now but he doesn't care. 

"Missed you, Haz." Louis moans. He's so close, fuck. "Missed you so much." 

Harry opens his eyes, glancing down at Louis before he leans down, kissing him with such intent that Louis can't stop himself from coming. He comes with a long drawn out moan into Harry's mouth, painting both of their stomachs. Harry breaks the kiss, burying his head in Louis' neck as he chases his own orgasm, coming seconds after Louis with a string of _LouisLouLouisFuck._ It's too much and not enough and Louis just can't think. Harry stills inside of him, breathing harshly into his neck. 

They lay like that for what feels like an eternity. Louis feels docile under Harry as the younger boy finally slips out of him with a groan and discards his condom. He kisses Louis' cheek and pulls the comforter over both of their bodies. 

Louis falls asleep tucked into Harry's chest, chest aching and a sense of yearning across his heart. 

**-**

At approximately seven fifteen in the evening, Louis leaves. Dusk has settled over London and the lights of the city are brighter than he remembers. The air around him feels still, heavy. A cloud of remorse is following him as he makes his way home after retrieving his car from the Bistro where he left it. He tries not to think about it, he really does, but he can't help it. He's just slept with his ex. The ex that fucked him up so bad, he needed therapy. The ex that, out of all of his exes, was the worst one to even contemplate thinking of sleeping with again. But Louis, because he's a complete twit and can't get his life sorted, has gone against every moral he has and just, let himself be fucked by this person. Jesus, what has his life come to?

He slips into the house virtually unnoticed. His mum is busy getting the girls ready for bed, Lottie and Fizzy in their rooms. He shuts his door silently, locking it because he doesn't think he can handle anyone asking about his whereabouts. 

He slips off his shoes, changing into pajamas and tucking himself into bed. He's just had a five hour nap so he doubts he'll be able to sleep at all. His mind is whirling, every move he's made today is running through his head. 

To be fair, he's never had great self restraint when it came to Harry. Harry's always caused his mind to go a bit muddy, his inhibitions to just fly out the door. But this is different. This feels big. This feels like a shift in Louis' universe, tectonic plates moving beneath his feet and gravity leaving him upside down. This feels like one of those Everything That Can Go Wrong Will Go Wrong moments. Fuck, what was he thinking?

_Lou, missed you._  

It rings through his head a thousand times. He already knew that Harry had missed him. It was a fact; he'd said it before. But it seemed so much more than it had before when he said it this time. It seemed heavier, more intense, like it had an underlining meaning that Louis missed all together. 

Louis has screwed up many, many times in his life. But this one takes the cake. He doesn't know what to do. What do you do when something so spectacularly horrible happens because you're a moron who lets his dick decide things for him? 

Louis' phone lights up on his bedside table then and his gut wrenches. It's Harry. 

**_Where've you gone? Was planning on making something special for dinner. x_ **

Lovely. Just lovely. He can picture Harry when he woke up, stirring around in his big bed, white sheets draped over his chest as he reaches over to pull Louis in, only to realize he's not there. God, it makes Louis feel sick. He feels absolutely sick with it. His chest hurts, his heart is heavy and he feels so fucking sick. What is he supposed to say? He knows this can't happen again. He won't let it happen again. God, Harry's probably so confused. Louis is such an arsehole. If he'd only used his brain. 

He doesn't answer Harry and Harry doesn't text again. Louis falls asleep at three in the morning, dry tear tracks on his cheeks and rocks in his chest. 

**_**

Louis stays in his room the next day, waking up at one in the afternoon with the sunlight spilling in through his windows and he hates himself for thinking about Harry first thing. His mum knows something's up, but doesn't ask and lets him sulk in his room, ignoring the sobs that sometimes echo through the hallway. He's thankful for a lot of things, but his mum is the first on the list. Lottie comes in around six in the evening, setting a tray of food down for Louis and running a hand over his hair. Louis pretends to be asleep. Lottie notices, but doesn't say anything. Zayn texts him asking where he's been, inviting him over for dinner. Louis ignores him. At half past eight, he decides he needs a shower because he still reeks of sex and Harry's strawberry scented sheets and he can't live with himself if he catches one more waft of _Harry_. He mostly just stands in the shower, eyes closed and memories floating around, filling every crevice. 

He thinks about the way Harry touched him and the way he looked at him, the way he tasted and the things he said. He thinks about Harry and it _hurts_. 

When he's back in his room, he cries a bit more and he wonders how much he can cry before he runs out of tears. He gets a text from Harry then. 

**_Are you all right?_** He asks and Louis wants to text back, _No, I'm not all right. Are you all right?_ But he doesn't. He doesn't answer. A series of texts from Harry after that cause him to turn his phone off. 

_**Lou, I'm sorry if I've done something. Let me know you're okay. x**_  

(8:45pm)

_**I don't regret it.**_  

(9:10pm)

_**Do you regret it??**_  

(9:30pm)

_**Louis, please. Answer me.**_  

(10:00pm)

_**Please.** _

(10:26pm)

While his phone is off, Harry calls and leaves a voicemail that crushes Louis completely. 

"Lou," Harry starts and he sounds exhausted, voice raspy and low. "I'm sorry, Louis. I don't know what I've done or what you're thinking but I'm just, _I'm sorry_." His voice breaks. "I just, I thought that-" He lets out a shaky breath, whispering into the phone now. "I thought we were okay. I thought, I thought you missed me. I thought-" A sob comes through. "Louis, please. _Please_. I can't lose you again." And it cuts off right as another sob breaks through. Louis cries with him as he listens over and over and he wonders how he got himself into such an incredibly devastating mess. 

_-_

When Louis finally emerges the next day, Jay keeps silent and doesn't ask him about anything. The girls are at school and Louis makes tea as he chats with his mum about her new job, the girls and how they've responded to the Big Announcement which is not well at all. Lottie and Fizzy, apparently, haven't spoken much to Jay. Which pisses Louis off to no end. When they reach a lull in their conversation, Jay clears her throat and Louis feels like he'll be sick if she asks if he's all right. But that's not what she says and Louis still feels a bit sick. 

"So," She says quietly, tracing a finger around her mug. "I've spoken to Mark." 

Louis' eyes widen a bit, he leans in and says, "And?"

Jay still doesn't look at him, which is never a good sign. "He wants to try and work things out. Get back together, maybe." 

If Louis were capable of combusting, he knows he'd of done it just then. He clenches his jaw, so as not to scream into the void, and mulls this over for a few minutes. "Okay," He says finally, drawing it out a bit. "Okay, so, right. So he wants to get back together. Right." 

Jay shrugs, peering up at him finally. "Right." 

"And you said?" 

"I said sure." 

"Sure?" He asks incredulously, eyes narrowing a bit. 

Jay nods. "Yeah. I mean, yeah." 

It's like talking to a teenager and Louis loves his mum but she isn't known for her decision making skills. He isn't going to jump down her throat, because she's still his mum and he loves her dearly. He bites his tongue, deciding to trust her. 

"If that's what you want, I'm behind it." He says finally and Jay beams at him, pulling him into a hug. He doesn't like Mark at all right now, he thinks he's justified in that, but if his mum is happy then he can bear with it. She pulls back and smiles at him before taking a sip of her tea. 

"So, what happened yesterday, Lou?" She asks and there it is. The elephant in the room is stomping all around now. 

He clears his throat and shifts a bit in his seat. His arse is still sore, he notices. Cheers. "What do you mean?" He decides to take the oblivious idiot route. 

Jay sends him a pointed glance, picking up on his game. "Louis, I'm serious. Are you all right?" 

He sighs, not wanting to talk about this at all. "I'm fine, mum." 

It's a lie and Jay knows it. She reaches out, her hand fitting over Louis' own and sincerity in her eyes. "You can tell me anything." 

He knows this; he's always known this. They've got a close relationship and Louis loves that he can come to his mum for just about anything, even all the way from Seattle. But this is a major something and he's just so unsure about everything anymore. 

"I had lunch-" Sex. "-with Harry." 

Jay nods, the picture of understanding and squeezes his hand. "Did it not go well?" 

Louis shakes his head. "It went fine, but" But I let him fuck me, so. "But I guess I'm just a bit confused is all." 

Jay watches him, nodding along before finally saying, "So what's the real problem here?" 

Louis should've known that she'd see through it. She'd know it was something more, something deeper. He sighs again, eyes boring a hole into the wooden table in front of him. 

"We slept together." He breathes out, biting his lip immediately after. 

Jay, for her part, stays surprisingly calm about it. She hums, staying silent for longer than Louis would like. Finally, she says, "How was it?" 

And that's just not the question he was expecting. He glances back up at her, studying her eerily calm face, before looking back down at the table. "It was...It was great. Incredible. Mind-blowing, even." He stops himself before he begins waxing poetic about Harry's dick in front of his mother. 

"So what's the problem, then?" Jay asks, voice even. 

Louis positively gapes at her, eyes wide and mouth open. 

"What do you mean " _what's the problem_ "?" He cries. "He's _Harry_ , mum! He's the boy who broke me and left me to mend myself! I can't just, just let him back in!" 

Jay takes his outburst in stride, nodding along. "Right. But, my dear, it seems you already have." 

Louis stops at that. Pauses his fit and closes his mouth. Had he let Harry in? Louis plays back every conversation they've had, every touch. He realizes he has, he's let him in in small bits, maybe not all the way, but he's here. Louis' opened up to Harry, just as he'd told himself he wouldn't. 

"Fuck," He whispers. 

Jay smacks his arm indignantly. "Louis, language!" 

Louis shakes his head, mind buzzing and stares at his mother. "What do I do?" 

"I can't tell you what to do, baby." She sighs. "You've got to figure it out yourself." 

"But, but how do I forgive him?" He stutters, eyes wide. "How am I meant to do that?" 

Jay holds his hand again, small smile on her lips. "Lou, the question isn't _how_ you forgive him. The question is do you _want_ to forgive him." 

**_**

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's short, but it's important!


	8. Pale White

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *screams* 
> 
> !Triggers for panic attack/anxiety/depression!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a little late, sort of. But here it is! Any mistakes are my own because it's midnight and I don't know if I caught them all, so let me know if you catch anything that's a little iffy. 
> 
> Songs: 
> 
> Me - The 1975  
> Little Lion Man - Mumford and Sons  
> Home - One Direction

It's seven in the evening on a Saturday and Louis is in bed. He's been in a sort of funk since, well, since he got here. And he loves his mum, he really truly does, but her advice is shit and he just can't. Louis coming home has sent him through a whirlwind of emotions and memories that he's suppressed for so long, he'd almost forgotten them. But now he's back in the perpetual state of darkness. A state of loneliness, even when you're surrounded by people. A state of _why_ and _what's the point_. Louis is depressed. This is nothing new, he knows, but it's getting to a point that his mother is noticing. His sisters are asking if he's okay, if he's sick or unwell. And he is. But he doesn't say as much. He's spoken to Zayn and put on his wonderful fasćade that he's so good at by now, listening to him talk about Liam and his mum and his sisters and his job. He just, just pretends that everything is fine and well and it's just _not_. It hasn't been. And he hates it and he hates himself and everything is just not okay. It's not fine and it's not well and he's not okay. 

And his anxiety is just adding to it. He's just so anxious all the time and he can't help it, really, he knows. But it's so _goddamn unfair_. Everything is just unfair and Louis just doesn't understand anything anymore. It feels like he's been confused for the last month, just in a constant state of what the fuck, in a loop of _whywhywhy_ every damn day. 

So he's here, in his bed, curled up in his blue blanket, alone. He's hiding. He's hiding from everything. From his mum, who now can't seem to stop crying, and Louis is such a shit because this is the reason he's here. She is the reason and he's supposed to help her but _fuck_ , how can he help her when he can't even help himself? He's hiding from his best fucking mate, whose put up with his shit from the very first day he got here, whose helped him in every time of need he's had, who picked up after years of being so distant from Louis as if nothing ever happened. He's hiding from his sister, who only wants the best for him and means well, really, but he can't have someone doting on him all the time; he'll break and he's afraid he'll break her too in the process. And he's hiding from Harry. It's painful again, saying his name. Thinking it. But it's on an almost constant repetition in Louis' mind, like a CD skipping; _harryharryharry_. It's like he's nineteen again and his heart is gone. He doesn't know what to think about him anymore, doesn't know what to say to him. So he says nothing. And Harry's finally stopped calling him and leaving messages and texting him and that makes Louis' chest hurt and it feels like he's fucking nineteen again. It feels exactly as it felt when Harry royally fucked everything in Louis' life up and he's trying to apologize but Louis isn't so sure that Harry's the one who should be apologizing this time. Louis feels like he's the one responsible now and he's the one whose pulled Harry along this time; made him believe something false, an illusion. 

Louis feels like such a shitty person he's drawn to dark thoughts again and again as he lays in his bed. He thinks it'd be best if he weren't here to fuck up everyone's lives like he has been, maybe he should leave. Maybe it'd be best if he left and just, just stopped all contact with everyone. Maybe he should. 

As Louis scrolls through google looking for a one way ticket to Tokyo, his phone starts ringing in his hand, a picture of Zayn, Liam and himself lighting up the screen. He pauses, thinks. After deciding, reluctantly, he answers his phone. 

"Hello?" 

"Mate," Comes Zayn's voice and he sounds hesitant and Zayn should not ever sound hesitant when he's talking to Louis. Louis swallows the lump in his throat as Zayn continues. "How are you?" 

Awful, he thinks, atrocious, horrible, garbage. 

"All right," He says instead. "How are you?" 

Zayn's quiet for a moment before he says, "Right. Well, I was wondering if you'd like to come to the pub tonight, the one on the corner by that bakery that you used to love, with Li and I? Man U is playing and they're airing it so I thought, y'know..." 

Louis' heart stutters because he loves Zayn so much but Zayn sounds so unsure and fuck, Louis' been such an arsehole lately. He loathes the idea of leaving his bed but. This is Zayn. And Zayn is so, so incredibly important. 

"Sure, mate." Louis says, attempting to keep his voice light. 

Zayn breathes a sigh of relief on the other end and Louis' heart crushes in on itself. "Great!" He clears his throat. "Great. Uh, I'll be round at eight, then." 

They say goodbye and Louis tries to pep himself up about this, tries to feel anything but dread, but he fails miserably. He showers and dresses, pulling on some jeans and a Man U shirt, fixing his fringe before stepping out. His mum is gone, working a late shift tonight, so Lottie has been watching the girls. Louis feels bad. 

He greets her when he enters the den, smiling a little as he sees Daisy and Phoebe curled up against her side, sleeping. Fizzy must be out, again, and Louis wonders what it is she gets up to, who she's with all the time. A secret boyfriend, maybe. Or girlfriend. Who knows. 

"Where're you off to?" Lottie asks, shifting a bit on the couch. The twins don't stir, thankfully. 

Louis sighs, running a hand through his hair. "Just out with Zayn and Liam." 

Lottie nods and Louis knows the look in her eye; pity. His seventeen year old sister is pitying him because she knows there's something wrong with him. God, he hasn't left his room in almost a week. But Louis looks away. He can't bare that look. 

"Well, have fun." She says lightly. "Be careful." 

Louis nods just as Zayn texts he's there and he slips out the door into the brisk night, locking it. 

Zayn's in the passengers while Liam drives, their hands interlocked over the center console as they ride to the pub and it's sweet. Louis thinks this is one of the few times he's thought that they were tolerable. He stays silent in the backseat unless spoken to, ignoring Liam's worried glances through the rearview. They arrive soon enough and it's crowded, judging by the cars the surround the building. 

When they get inside, the air is thick and stale. It smells of beer and bad decisions and Louis hates it but he doesn't mention it, just places a hand on Zayn's forearm and lets him lead him to a booth in the back. There is body upon body huddled together at the bar and Louis' chest feels a bit tighter. He needs a drink. Bad. 

Liam and Zayn are talking amongst themselves as the game starts on one of the large TVs in the corner of the room, people cheering immediately. It's loud, very loud and Louis maybe already has a headache. 

He glues his eyes to the screen, but he isn't watching. He sees it but he isn't absorbing what's going on. The cheers from around him break him out of his spell and he shakes his head, seeing that Man U has scored the first goal. He glances over at the bar, seeing it's a bit less crowded than before and makes to stand from his seat. 

He peers down at Zayn and Liam, sending them a smile as he says, "Just gonna grab a pint. Want anything?" 

They both agree to a pint, Zayn sending him a small, private smile as if to say, _thanks for coming, I love you_. Louis sends one back and he hopes he conveys it as well as Zayn had. 

He gets up to the bar without much struggle, motioning the barkeep for three pints and getting a brisk nod in return. Then he turns around, elbows propped agains the wooden bartop and he's met with throngs of people. There are people to his left, one particularly burly man who keeps getting shoved against his side. There are people to his right, also shoving a bit and he's feeling a little more than claustrophobic as his eyes dart back in the direction of Liam and Zayn, of their booth, but there are so many people that he can't even see them. God, it's packed. 

And suddenly his eyes land on a vaguely familiar figure, a man. He's tall, taller than Louis and he has dark, dark hair. His steely eyes are trained on Louis and his mouth is moving as he talks to the person next to him. Louis' gaze shifts to the seat next to the man and his heart stops. It's her. It's her and it's him and of fucking course this is his life right now. 

_"So he is gay, then?"_

_"You could suck mine and let everyone here watch."_

It comes back to Louis in a flash, slapping him in the face. 

It's too crowded, yet not crowded enough because they're here and they're staring and fuck when did it get so hot?

Louis is taken back to two years ago when his heart was taken from him, stolen and never returned. It was put through hell and weathered, wearing and tearing and never quite regaining it's hard shell. He is taken back to a time that he doesn't want to be taken back to. He's panicking suddenly, grasping onto the bartop, knuckles white and eyes wide. His breathing has become labored and shallow and his chest feels too heavy, too tight. He feels like he's burning and no ones there to put out the fire. Like he's drowning in the Atlantic, no lifeboat in sight. He can't speak when he's spoken to, the barkeep noticing his distress. Can't communicate that he's having a panic attack, that he isn't okay. He can't breathe and can't talk and can't think of anything else but the heaviness in his chest. The only thing flashing through his mind is greengreengreen. God, he needs the very last person he thought he'd ever need in a time like this. 

And suddenly, Harry is barreling towards him, eyes frantic and large hands finding Louis' waist. He holds him, hands trailing his sides until they're at his cheeks, forcing him to look away from the two sets of vulture-like eyes and up into Harry's own. He's searching Louis' face, lips parted slightly and he knows. He just knows and it amazes Louis, that after all this time, after all of this shit, Harry still knows him like the back of his hand. He'd say something, but he still feels frozen in place. 

Harry grabs his hand and navigates them both out of the bar, doing an exemplary job of ignoring the two twats that caused Louis' meltdown. It had been coming for awhile, but this was the breaking point and it's just grand that it had to be here, in public. 

The air out is chilly as Harry halts them both, still holding onto Louis like he's glued to him. Like he can't let go of him, as if Louis is the one stabilizing him. But it's opposite, Louis thinks, Harry is the one anchoring him right now. It's quiet, save for Louis' ragged breath, and Harry's hands find his waist again, pulling him close. 

"Louis," He says, voice wavering slightly and Louis isn't sure if it's because of the cold or because of him. "Lou, look at me."

Louis shuts his eyes tight, his own hands finding Harry's forearms, fingers digging in. 

"Look at me." Harry repeats, voice soft. 

Louis opens his eyes and allows himself to look up into Harry's eyes again. Instead of feeling utter dread and distress as he expected, he feels his chest get lighter as Harry coaches him to breathe again, murmuring softly in the night air. When it's finally over, he lets out a sob, unable to stop himself. Harry just pulls him in tight to his own chest, hand running over Louis' hair as Louis cries. He cries and he cries and he hugs Harry as tight as he can. He cries for his past and how broken he felt, he cries for his mum and his sisters and the new baby that's coming into this horrible, awful, mean world. He cries for himself and at the irony of this situation. And Harry lets him, and Harry holds him, and Harry cries with him, but he never lets go. 

Twenty long minutes later, they finally part. Harry kisses his head as he releases him and Louis tries not to feel too cold. 

"What are you doing here?" Louis croaks, wincing at the obvious break in his voice. 

Harry doesn't mention it, doesn't react. "Niall called me up, actually." He sounds just as surprised as Louis looks. "Said he wanted to have a lads night like we used to and of course I agreed." 

Louis nods. "That's great, H." 

Harry smiles, a small smile and says, "Yeah, it is. He's great, y'know. Really great. I'm glad he wanted to do this." 

Louis attempts a smile but it's hard lately and he doesn't think anyone can blame him after tonight. "I'm happy for you." And it isn't a lie. 

Harry shuffles a little in front of him, peering down at the pavement below before back up at Louis. "Do you want to, maybe, join us? I mean, don't feel obliged but I just thought-" 

"I'm actually here with Zayn," Louis interrupts because he can't say no, so he uses a diversion instead. He doesn't miss the way Harry's jaw goes tense. "And his boyfriend. So." 

"Oh," Harry says, voice quiet. "Well, okay then." 

And Louis shrugs because he doesn't know what to do. He feels like complete shit about this and of course he wants to spend time with Harry, God he wants it so bad, but it isn't a good idea. He needs to distance himself. No matter how much it hurts every fibre in his body, no matter how sad it makes Harry's eyes. He repeats this to himself. 

"Listen, Lou," Harry starts, brows furrowed. "About the other night-" 

Louis holds up a hand. He can't do this. He can't. He'll break and he'll make a mess. He'll lose himself. He'll splatter pieces of himself all over the place like red paint on a white carpet, leaving everyone else to clean it up and he just can't. Fuck. 

"Harry, it's all right." He says, voice strained and he knows he isn't convincing but he fucking can't do this. "We're all right. Everything is all right. I have to get back to Zayn and Liam. I'll see you sometime." And he runs. He runs away from Harry again. He leaves him outside of the dingy pub in the cold night air with no one but himself and it doesn't feel even half as good as it should. 

Louis is a selfish prick. 

**_**

 

Sometimes, there are things that weigh us down too much. There are things that cannot be held inside anymore and they beat against your heart until you let them out. They are heavy and hard and sometimes not very pretty but we let them out anyway, let the world take them in. Louis knows this. 

"Z, there's something I need to tell you." He states as he sits across from Zayn on Sunday afternoon, watching his best mate draw. It's something beautiful, watching Zayn draw. He gets so lost, so enveloped in it that he loses all sense of time. Louis' been here for hours, flipping through some of Zayn's old poetry books and watching some shit television. But he came here for a reason. And that reason isn't pretty. Best to get it out now than to wait until Liam is here, too. 

Zayn pauses, sets his sketching pencil down and turns all attention to Louis. Which makes him even more nervous than before. But Zayn's features remain open, which is a good sign. 

"What's up?" He asks, amber eyes wide and warm. 

Louis clears his throat, averts his eyes, fiddles with his hands until he finally, finally squeaks out, "I slept with Harry." 

The room goes quiet. Louis closes his eyes. The air is eerily still. He waits. 

And waits. 

"What," Zayn breathes out finally. Louis still doesn't look at him. "What?"

There is disbelief, disappointment and anger in his tone.

"Louis, tell me you didn't actually." He demands, voice getting tighter. "Tell me you didn't genuinely fuck him."

Louis winces, peers up at Zayn through his eyelashes. He's furious. He's stood up from his seat in front of Louis, his hair is a bit more wild than it was as if he's run a hand through it. His eyes are narrowed and zeroed in on Louis. Louis gulps.

"I-Well," Louis stutters. Zayn crosses his arms. "I just-fuck, Z. I did, okay? I did and I don't regret it and I'm sorry if you're disappointed, but it happened and part of me wants to do it again and the other part wants to jump off of the highest building in London into a garbage can. I did it, and I loved it. We've talked, a lot actually but not lately because I fucked him over and he's just, god. He's just different. And I hate it. I hate that I feel this way and I want to hate him but not as much as I hate myself not hating him." Louis wants to scream it, but he doesn't and it all comes out in a blur. He's tugging at his hair and he's staring at Zayn's drawing as if it's kicked a puppy. "It's just so goddamn frustrating. He's fucking amazing and I hate it so fucking much. I hate how I get the urge to call him everyday now. I hate that I think about him all the time, wonder what he's doing and who he's with and if he's eaten well and if he's fucking happy. I hate that I just, I just want to kiss him until I can't breathe. I want to scream in his face and slap him and then kiss him so hard his lips are bruised. Fuck!" 

And then it's quiet again and Louis is breathing hard. He's aware that this is the most he's said in a week. He's also aware of the implications he's made. 

Zayn rounds the counter and pulls him in for a hug and it's tight and it's fierce and Louis knows they'll be okay. He knows that while Zayn detests Harry to the highest extent, he'd do anything for Louis and Louis doesn't deserve it. He never will. 

 When they part, Zayn keeps his hands on Louis' shoulders and surveys his face, his eyes hard. 

"I should kill you," He says. "I should kill you. But I won't. Because it's illegal. And I love you. But just know, I should." 

Louis lets out a breathy chuckle and nods. 

"Just. Fuck. Okay, when?" Zayn asks as he rounds the counter again, grabbing both of their cups. "And how? And why?" He pours some tea into their mugs and makes Louis' exactly how he likes it before sitting back down and shutting his sketch book. 

Louis takes a sip before answering. "Uh, well. When would be about two weeks ago, I think. And how, well, you should know that. You took anatomy." Louis smirks but Zayn just rolls his eyes. "Why is a good question. It's something I'm still trying to figure out myself, to be honest. I guess I just, I don't know, got caught up?" 

Zayn nods attentively, taking in every word. "Caught up in what, babe?" 

Louis sighs. "Nostalgia? The atmosphere? The way it felt so easy? Fuck, I don't know, Z. I don't know." He runs a hand down his face and shakes his head. "I don't know." 

Zayn hums around his mug before setting it down, clasping his hands together on the counter top. He eyes Louis. "Do you want to know what I think?" 

Louis thinks that he probably doesn't, but he nods anyway. 

"I think," Zayn breathes. "I think that that's bullshit." Louis makes an affronted noise but Zayn holds up a finger to silence him. "I think that it's because you missed him. You missed the way things were. And there was the opportunity, and you ran with it. I think that maybe, just maybe, you still love him. But you're afraid, Lou, and that's completely okay and understandable. He's a fucker. He screwed up so badly, Lou. He knows that, you know that, fuck, I know that. God, he's such an arsehole. But I digress." He shakes his head, leveling his train of thought. "But this is a big deal, Louis. You were in love. You were so fucking in love with him. You two were it for each other, y'know? And what happened was monumentally fucked up. You've slept together now, and this isn't some small hook up, Lou. I think that you need to think about it. Think about it a lot and what it meant for you. And then I think you need to talk about it. With Harry." Zayn unclasps his hands then and takes a drink, casual as ever. 

He's possibly right. Louis just doesn't know he'd approach another conversation with Harry. He's so confused and lost and just, afraid. He's afraid.

"I don't know, Zayn." He bites his lip. "I've thought about it, believe me I've thought about it. I've replayed every single thing about that day over and over. I've trapped myself in my room and cried and mourned and I'm still so fucking lost." 

Zayn reaches out, taking Louis' hand in his. "Lou, maybe it's time to get Harry's perspective."

And Zayn is the last person Louis thought he'd ever hear that from. 

"Shouldn't you be telling me not to ever speak to him again? That he's the biggest twat this side of England and that he's best off by himself?" 

Zayn smiles a little, shrugging. "I never said he isn't; I fucking despise him. But I know you. And I know that you've been different lately. I can tell that this is affecting you more than you're letting on. I care about _you_. Not about him. Don't get that twisted, Lou." 

Louis rolls his eyes but squeezes Zayn's hand. "Thank you." 

"I love you, Lou." 

"I love you more, Z." 

 

**_**

 

When Louis goes home that evening, his mum is there. He greets her with a kiss to her cheek and they sit and talk about everything. Louis listens as she talks about her job and this horrible old lady named Gerty who can't even be bothered to remember Jay's name, even though she's the supervisor. Louis apologizes for not being here for her, but Jay shuts him up with a tight hug, telling him it's okay. She says she understands that he needs to sort himself out, that she can relate. They talk about Dan and how the progress is going with him; not well, apparently. Louis bites his tongue when she tells him that, only shaking his head. She's got her first check up for the baby next week and Louis' more than excited about that. Before he knows it, it's nearing midnight. He sends his mother off to bed with another kiss to her cheek and shuffles into his room quietly. 

He changes into some sweats and an old shirt that's a few sizes too big. He's tired, but his mind is racing. He sits on the edge of his bed and lets his eyes trail around his room, taking in every detail that hasn't changed. His eyes land on the nightstand next to his bed and he reaches over, opening the top drawer. There are things in there that Louis' had since he was a teenager; concert tickets, bracelets, stupid notes passed in class. And then, in a small box, there are more private things he's kept. He takes out the box and the picture he'd placed underneath it of him and Harry. 

He sets the box down on his bed in front of him and stares at it, placing the picture next to it. Louis contemplates just not opening it, not subjecting himself to that kind of pain. But if anything has been proven since he's arrived back home, it's that he's a masochist. He picks up the small white box and opens it. 

There are things in there that he hasn't dared to look at in years. But tonight, tonight he needs this. 

On top is a small note from a ripped piece of blue notebook paper, now turning greenish from age. He unfolds it and reads what it says, careful not to rip it. 

_Lou, happy six months! It's minuscule, maybe. But I just wanted to let you know how much I love you, if I haven't already told you thousand times before. You're the best, babe! I could never ask for better. I can't wait until everyone knows that you're mine. I can't wait for the day that we can walk around hand in hand, tied up like two ships. Thank you for loving me. I don't deserve you, Lou. -H_

Louis reads over it a few times before pulling in a breath, folding it back up and setting it aside. The next item is a bracelet from a concert that he and Harry went to; The Script. It was the best time Louis had ever had at a concert and he loved every minute of it, especially because he got to spend it next to Harry. He sets it down on the paper and picks up the next thing. 

It's another bracelet, this time from Leeds Fest. Louis' heart clenches at the memory. He and Harry had an amazing time there; Harry had surprised Louis with tickets. He said he'd wanted to get away with him for a weekend, just the two of them. It took some convincing, but eventually both of their mothers agreed. Louis remembers the way Harry fell apart at his fingertips the first night there on the floor of their blue tent. He remembers how free he felt, being able to hold Harry's hand out in the open. He remembers the smile on Harry's face the whole weekend. 

He sets it down, wiping at the corner of his eye.

The next thing is a picture. It's from a month before they broke up. It's a polaroid of him and Harry and it's simple. They're smiling broadly at the camera. Written underneath in what can only be Louis' handwriting is the word "Always.". And it's just there, staring back at Louis like it's a fact. 

Louis runs a finger down the picture and is reminded of simpler times; happier times. He's overwhelmed with the feeling of what can only be described as homesickness. He's homesick for Harry and for what they had, for the times they shared and the way he felt. It crashes through his chest, taking him by surprise and he can't breathe with it. It's too much. It's all too much. 

So many memories he and Harry shared are now sprawled out in front of him, with half a box full of more memories that he refuses to look at. He can't. Doing this was a mistake, he thinks. God, it hurts. It hurts like he's just ripped open an old wound and poured mass amounts of salt into it, leaving it searing. But still, he's clutching the picture. There are more pictures in the box, he knows. So many more private pictures that no one else besides he and Harry have seen. He wonders if Harry has any of the things he used to; any of the obvious reminders of their relationship and memories. He wonders if Harry ever looks at them and get sad. 

He wonders...

He glances over at his phone and grabs it before he can think twice, pulling up Harry's number and dialing it. 

It rings. 

And rings. 

And-

"Hello?" Harry answers and his voice is raspy, like Louis' woken him up. He hadn't even bothered to check the time, Jesus. He peers over at his alarm clock and sees it's nearly two in the morning. Fuck. What was he thinking? "Lou?" 

Fuck. Louis' chest hurts. "Hi," He breathes quietly. 

"Hi." Harry answers. "What's up?" 

Louis scrambles for an answer, his mind suddenly blanking. "I, um. I was just, like. Awake. And I thought, hey, why not call Harry?" He spouts. "I mean, Zayn falls asleep at like, eight, because he's a grandpa. And Liam has work in the morning, I think. Nobody here is up to just, like, be awake with me and so I thought-"

"Louis," Harry interupts, voice quiet. 

Louis stops. "Yeah?"

"Why did you call me?" 

Louis' heart drops, burning everything on it's way down. Fuck, shit. God. He's such an idiot. Shit. "I-I just," He stutters, swallowing the lump in his throat. Fuck. "I was just going through some of my old stuff."

Harry's silent like he's waiting for Louis to continue, so Louis does. 

"A-And there's this box I have, right? It's stupid, maybe. But I've kept it, even after all of. Well. Anyway. I just, I just opened it tonight for the first time since. And I was just. There are things in it that just-" He exhales, long and heavy. Harry's still on the line, silent, but Louis hears his even breathing. He's awake, he's listening. "Do you remember Leeds?" Harry hums, Louis continues. "I have my bracelet still. God, that was such a sick time, Hazza. I've got pictures of it all, of you and me and us and I just..." He trails. His mouth feels dry and his eyes feel wet. 

Harry doesn't say anything.

"God, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called. This was just-I'm sorry. You can go back to sleep." Louis whispers, clenching his eyes shut and swallowing again. 

 The line goes quiet for another moment before Harry finally speaks up.

"I still have my bracelet, too." 

Louis' stomach flips, the corner of his mouth tilts up. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," Harry says. Louis can tell he's smiling, too. 

"Harry?" 

"Hmm?" 

"I'm sorry." Louis says earnestly. He stares down at the picture still in his hand. "I'm sorry about everything."

"Lou-"

"No. Listen." He interrupts Harry and he hears Harry take a deep breath before he continues on. "I'm sorry that I was such a shit to you after the other night. And I'm sorry for the way I just left you outside when you helped me. Thank you for that, by the way. I don't know what I would've done without you. I'm sorry for not taking you seriously when you said you wanted to talk, to be friends again. It just, it seemed so impossible to me. I couldn't picture being anything less than your boyfriend or anything more than your enemy; there was no in between for me." Louis stops, takes a breath. "I'm also sorry that things didn't work out for us before. That we were so young and confused and so fucking lost, even with each other. I'm sorry that it wasn't forever, and that neither of us got the fairytale that we both deserve. I'm sorry that you had to go through everything that you went through after it happened and I'm sorry that I did, too. I'm sorry that you felt the need to do the things that you did, that you felt so trapped, like you had no other choice. I'm sorry, Harry."

He's crying a little now, tears slipping down his cheeks and he's okay. He's okay. He's finally gotten it all out. 

"Louis," Harry breathes, his voice getting choked in his throat. He's crying with Louis. " _I'm_ sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I can never, never explain to you how fucking sorry I am."

Louis lets out a shaky breath and wipes a few tears. "It's okay, Harry." He means it. God, he means it.

Harry sobs on the other line and it makes Louis' heart hurt a little. "I do it too." 

"Do what?" He whispers, brows furrowed. 

"I look at our old things. I've still got one of your shirts. Sometimes I just, I just pull it out and hold onto it. It helps." 

Fuck. Fuck it all. Fuck everything. Louis shuffles, putting everything gently back into his box and setting it down on top of his nightstand. He stands up, eyes darting around his dark bedroom. 

"Haz," He says. He sees a pair of Vans by the closet and grabs them.

"Yeah?" Harry sniffles. 

"I need to see you." 

He hears Harry's breath stutter on the other line as he slips his shoes on and reaches for his jacket. He looks a mess, his eyes puffy and red and his hair is splayed out in different directions but this is Harry and this is important. 

"O-Okay, yeah. Yes." Harry sounds more alive now, like he's also frantically running through his room. "Yeah. I need that, too. I need to see you, Louis." 

Louis feels like his heart could burst right now. "Fuck, okay. Okay. I'm coming over. I'll be there in ten minutes. Text me your address just in case." 

"Okay, okay. Yeah. Be careful," Harry sounds like he can't believe what's happening right now and if Louis were in a proper state of mind, he might feel like that too. But right now, he just feels like he can't wait. Like Harry is the prize at the end of a marathon and Louis is so, so close to the finish line. 

"I will. Bye, Hazza." 

"Bye, Lou. See you in ten."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only four chapters left! What'd we think?


	9. You Are The Smell Before Rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so late! It's a bit shit, but it's something. Lots of love, hope you enjoy it.

_"She asked "you are in love, what does love look like?" to which I replied "like everything I've ever lost come back to me."_

_Nayyirah Waheed_

_

Louis' fourth pivotal moment in his life is now. He's driving, a white box in the passenger seat, heart racing. He hopes his mother won't mind that he's borrowed her car, but he'd left a note just in case explaining, put it on the fridge with an Eiffel Tower magnet over it. It's two thirty on Monday morning and Louis is going too fast in his mum's car while his mind replays the last four years of his life. He pulls into a space and grabs his box, slamming his door shut and sprinting to Harry's door. He raps his knuckles against the door three times, and Harry opens. He's all soft edges and sweet smells and wide eyes as he takes Louis in, hugging him tight enough to collapse a lung. 

It's two thirty on Monday morning and Louis is alive. 

"You're here," Harry mumbles into his hair, voice muffled. He sounds like he can't believe it; Louis can't either. 

"I'm here, Hazza." 

Harry hugs him a little tighter. They break apart and stare at each other, taking each other in. Harry's wearing sweats, as is Louis and his hair is soft, half up in a bun, half down. He's got on a white shirt, plain, and his hand is clutching onto Louis' own. The air is electric around them, like it knows. This is big, monumental and life changing and Louis is here. He's here and he doesn't want to ever, ever leave again.

There's a shift around them as Harry keeps Louis' hand in his own, pulling him along with him. He takes him into Harry's room, a room which he's only been in once, and the air in there is ten times more alive than anywhere else. It's quiet as Louis places his box down on Harry's nightstand and turns to him, pulling him in again but this time he kisses him and it's more than it was. It's so much more than it was. It feels like coming home. Like sleeping in your own bed after months of being away, like everything you've missed. It feels like Louis is whole again after years and years of only being half of himself. Harry kisses him back with as much feeling as Louis, maneuvering him to the bed and laying him down softly. Everything is soft this time, not like before. It has to be, Louis thinks, this is their moment. This is his homecoming. 

Harry takes his time stripping him of his sweats and his sweater, takes his time kissing every inch of Louis' body like he's memorizing every edge and curve. Louis takes off Harry's clothes and keeps his eyes locked onto Harry's own, instead of intense and fiery lust, there is soft and gentle adoration in Harry's eyes. Louis is sure his mirror Harry's. 

When Harry sinks into him it's slow and easy. They can't take their eyes off of each other with each thrust, small kisses here and there saying the things that they can't quiet muster. 

The first time was amazing. But this time, this time felt like atomic bombs were going off all over Louis' body. Like the moon and the sun were aligning in an eclipse that consisted of only Louis and Harry's universe alone. This felt like Harry was taking him apart piece by piece, like it was an art only he'd mastered and excelled at and Louis supposes it is. Only Harry can make him feel this way. Only Harry can make him feel completely and truly well fucked and loved unconditionally without any pauses or doubts all the same. Only Harry; always Harry. A thousand times over, it'll always be Harry. Louis knows this now and he wishes he'd known it sooner. 

" _Harry_ ," He pants, eyes closing for a moment before opening to Harry's green, green eyes. He's close. 

"Lou," Harry moans, kissing him sweetly, speeding up his thrusts a bit more. It's becoming erratic, but still tender and it's driving Louis mad. 

"Always Harry, _fuck_! Always you," And Harry lets out a whimper at that, eyes locking with Louis' again. 

"Love you, Louis," Harry whispers and Louis comes, cries filling the air around them and stars exploding behind his eyes. 

Harry follows suit, his come filling Louis up like it used to when they were young and stupid. Nothing but their panting breaths fill the air now, the quiet of the night calm around them. Harry slips out of Louis and pulls him to his chest, holding him close. It isn't hard like it was before, it's easy and calm and _free_. God, it's free. Louis traces a finger over Harry's chest, tracing tattoos he isn't familiar with yet. Not yet. Harry hums and it sends vibrations through Louis' body. His hand finds Louis' hair and he runs his fingers through it and it all feels so right. This time, everything feels right. 

"Lou," Harry mumbles and Louis can tell he's on the brink of sleep in the way his voice rasps. 

"Hmm?" Louis' eyelids feel heavy, too. 

"I meant it." 

I know, Louis thinks, I always knew. 

The air around Louis smells of sweet sex and Harry. It's nice. 

"I know," He whispers, closing his eyes and splaying his hand on Harry's chest, right above his heart and between his sparrows.  

Harry kisses his hair and pulls the covers up over them, holding onto Louis. He's probably afraid that Louis will leave again, but to do that would mean he'd have to leave his heart behind a second time and he can't. He can't do that again. Not to Harry, not to himself.

Not when they've just found each other again. 

**-**

When Louis wakes up the next morning, afternoon actually, the smell of bacon hits his nose. He opens his eyes, glances around, and smiles. The white curtains are pulled back, revealing the mid-afternoon sunshine. It's beautiful. He wishes he'd of woken up before Harry so that he could've appreciated how beautiful he is when he's sleeping, but that's for another time maybe. He slips out of bed still naked and pulls some of Harry's briefs from a drawer, tugging them on and walking out. Harry is in the kitchen, clad in only some tight black briefs and a light pink cooking apron. He's singing along to the radio, which is playing Adele, and his voice is just as lovely as Louis remembers it to be. It's a sight to behold and Louis wants to remember it forever. 

"Good morning," He greets as he sits down at Harry's dining table, startling him. 

Harry spins around and grins, wiping his hands on his apron before walking across the kitchen to Louis and kissing him. It's short and sweet and when they part, they're both smiling.

"Good morning." Harry smiles, turning back to finish his cooking. 

It's so fucking domestic that it hurts and Louis loves the pain. It reminds him of when they would always talk about days like this, about being older and when they'd have a house together, cooking for each other and waking up to each other everyday. Doing mundane things like grocery shopping and going to the dry cleaners. Louis used to live for those talks with Harry because it meant Harry wanted the same things that he did; that he wanted the same future that he did. And now, looking at Harry as he sets up their plates, light pink apron covering his bare chest, hair pulled into a messy bun, he thinks he still wants that. And that Harry wants the same, judging by the twinkle in his eye as he sets Louis' plate down in front of him, taking the seat across from him. Neither of them have stopped smiling. Louis loves this. 

He loves Harry. 

Louis grins at the man in front of him and takes a bite of his breakfast, or brunch, enjoying the afternoon. Enjoying Harry.

He's happy. 

-

 At half past four, and after a few more rounds with Harry (he can never look at his kitchen table the same again), Louis kisses him goodbye and promises, swears, to call him later that night. He'd received a text from his mum asking him to get back, that she needed him. He felt a bit like a teenager again; giddy and nervous. And also a bit scared because his mum was probably going to kill him. But he'd die happy, so. There's a silverlining to everything. 

He and Harry had gone through Louis' box and a few things that Harry had. It ended in tears, but they were good tears. 

_"Lou," Harry breathed, eyes wide and shimmering in the mid-afternoon light. "I can't believe you still have this."_

_He was holding up an old leather bound journal with all sorts of doodles across the front that Harry used to carry around religiously. It held his innermost thoughts and many, many poems and songs. Harry had once said, after a fond teasing from Louis, that he just had a lot of feelings and that Louis should mind that. Louis did. And after all was said and done, that journal was left at Louis' mums. It was personal, and perhaps Louis should have given it back, but he couldn't. Then it was because of spite. But now, now as he watched Harry flip through it carefully, watery smile on his pink lips, he knew he couldn't keep it. He didn't want to. He'd never read it, the thought of anything being written about Louis was daunting. But Harry just peered up at him, small smile on his lips as his finger held a page._

_"Listen." He'd said, and read off from the page._

 

_"Your hand fits in mine like it's made just for me,_

_But bear this mind it was meant to be._

_And I'm joining up the dots with the freckles on your cheeks_  
_And it all makes sense to me._

_I know you've never loved the crinkles by your eyes when you smile,_  
_You've never loved your stomach or your thighs,_  
_The dimples in your back at the bottom of your spine_  
_But I'll love them endlessly._

_I won't let these little things slip out of my mouth,_  
_But if I do, it's you, oh it's you, they add up to._  
_I'm in love with you and all these little things."_

Louis smiles to himself as he thinks of the way Harry had read it off, the way he couldn't help but kiss him after he was done, the way he didn't want to let him go. 

 He steps into his mum's warily, toeing off his Vans and hanging her keys on the hook before he listens for any sign of life. The girls should be home by now, he thinks, and his mum's schedule said she didn't work when he'd checked last night. It was eerily quiet, though. He walks through the house silently, listening. He can hear a faint murmur behind Lottie's door, so he thinks everyone is safe. His next stop is his mum's room and he carefully opens the door like it'll explode at any second. Jay's sitting on her bed, head in her hands. She glances up a Louis and instead of tears, there's just plain exhaustion covering her face, blanketing over it. She looks miserable, really. 

 Louis takes a seat next to her tentatively and gently pulls her into him. She sighs against him, patting his thigh. 

 "What is it?" He asks quietly. He's afraid of the answer, but he asks anyway. She needs him, he needs to be here for her. 

 She sighs again, this time heavier. "The girls, Lou. The girls are just-they're so, so unsupportive, Louis. I just, I just don't understand." 

 Louis' heart pinches at this, and he runs a hand over Jay's shoulder. "Mum, they'll come 'round. I'm sure of it." 

 Jay shakes her head. "I don't think so, Lou. This is different. I'm not sure why, or what I've done to deserve this, but Lottie and Fizzy are just-" She pauses, shakes her head again. "They won't." 

 It's quiet between them then, Louis thinking and Jay trying not to think. 

 "I'll talk to them." He decides, patting her shoulder lightly as if this will definitely solve everything that's ever been wrong. 

 Jay starts to protest, but Louis stops her, holding up his hand. 

 "Mum, this is happening. They need to be supportive. It's bullshit that they aren't." Jay winces. "And you know it is. I will talk to them. Just let me shower first." 

 "Fine," She sighs, obviously not convinced before she narrows her eyes at him as he stands. "We," She says, moving her hand between them. "Will be talking later." 

 Louis agrees, trying to tamp down the nervous quell of his stomach as he exits her room, telling her to nap, that he's got this under control. 

 He does. He has this. 

 

**_**

 

"So," He starts, eyeing Lottie and Fizzy as they both sit on the couch in front of him, arms crossed. They look the picture of defiance, and that could not piss him off anymore. "I hear you two are causing a bit of trouble for mum." 

 Lottie sighs, slightly rolling her eyes and says, "A bit dramatic, don't you think? It's not like we're on drugs or anything." She then sends him a pointed look and okay. That was only _once_ that Jay caught him. Once. 

"How are we meant to be okay with welcoming a baby into a broken home?" Fizzy pipes up, raising an eyebrow. 

Louis runs a hand through his hair and thinks that he should hug his mum a little more if she has to put up with this everyday. She's a saint. 

"Look," He says, hands on his hips. "This is something that is happening, this is real. Whether you want it to be or not. A baby is coming; an innocent child. Mum doesn't need you two adding even more to the stress she's already carrying. Do you realize she's upped her hours at the hospital? Do you hear her at night when she cries?" They both soften at that. Good. "She's so bloody stressed and you two are not helping. We need to be supportive. We have to be. She has no one else, girls. It's us." 

"God, it's just-" Lottie sighs, uncrossing her arms and shaking her head. "It's just so messed up, isn't it? I mean, dad is gone. And soon you'll be gone. And we're adding another child into the mix. How are we all supposed to get on without going broke?" 

Louis' stomach twists at the thought of his mother and sisters struggling. He hadn't even thought about leaving. But he hasn't got much longer here, he knows. Fuck. What about his mum? His sisters? The baby? Zayn and Liam?

What about Harry?

"Mark will pay child support." Louis says confidently. Mark may be a shithead now but he isn't a deadbeat. "And I'll come back as often as school and my job will allow. I'll even send money. But you can't tell mum if I do." 

Lottie nods and Fizzy bites her lip. 

"I mean it. If she knows I'm helping she'll be _very_ cross with us all. You know how she is. She's stubborn." 

Fizzy smiles then. "It's a wonder where we all got it." 

"Speak for yourself," Louis scoffs, earning an eye roll and a pillow to the head. 

 

**_**

 

After a long, long talk with his mum about running away in the middle of the night in her car, Louis flings himself into his bed. He's exhausted, rightfully so, considering his activities with Harry all morning. And the talk with his sisters. He feels so drained, but manages to change into some pajamas, finishing just before his phone starts ringing. 

"Hello, love," He smiles into the phone, tucking himself into bed. 

"Hi," Harry breathes on the other end. His voice is so lovely, Louis thinks. "How was the talk with your mum?" 

Louis shuffles in bed, rolling onto his side. "Was all right. She wasn't too mad. Just asked me to take the tube next time." 

Harry chuckles softly at that, and Louis can't help but smile. He closes his eyes. 

"I leave in a few weeks." He says, ignoring the way his throat feels like it's going to close up. 

Harry's quiet before he whispers, "I know." 

And Louis doesn't know what to do. What to say. He wants to stay here in London with his family and Zayn and Harry. God, he's only just gotten Harry back. And Harry loves him and he wants him. Louis feels sick as he thinks about having to leave him behind for God knows how long. He doesn't know if he can do it. 

"I'll miss you." 

"I'll miss you, Lou." Harry says, voice soft. 

Louis shuts his eyes tighter. "I don't know if I can do it," He rasps, his eyes watering. 

"Do what, baby?" Harry murmurs. 

"I don't know if I can leave you again. I don't know if I'll be able to let you go." And now he's actually crying into the phone, tears streaming down his cheeks. 

"Lou," Harry says, his voice breaking a bit. "I'll still be here. I'll always be here for you. God, Louis, _I love you_. I love you so goddamn much. I will not _ever_ let you go again, do you hear me? This is it for me. _You're_ it for me." 

Louis sobs, clenching his phone tighter. "Harry-" 

_I love you_ , he wants to say. 

"Lou, when you go back, I will still love you. I will always, under any and every circumstance, love you. We'll Skype. We'll call each other and send horrible, tooth-rottingly sweet texts through the day. We'll make trips to each other, surprise each other. I've always wanted to travel to America anyways." 

It isn't enough, Louis thinks. He wants Harry next to him when he wakes up. He wants to go on dates with him to the cinema, wants to hold his hand during the scary parts of the movie. He wants to wake him up with a birthday cake every year, watching him pretend that it actually tastes good. He wants to spend every Christmas with him by the fire, hot coco in hand and matching ugly sweaters. He wants more, always more. He wants Harry to himself. Everyday for the rest of his life, he wants Harry. 

He'll always want Harry. 

He can't possibly leave. 

 

**-**

 

 

 


	10. If It Makes You Less Sad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's where we start tying things off. Just want to say a massive thank you to everyone whose commented or left kudos, it's truly appreciated so very much! Two chapters left! I'm excited to finish it up though and start something new. Hopefully you all enjoy my next one just as much. (:
> 
>  ****Warnings for this chapter:
> 
> Toothrotting fluff and some smut ft. bottom!Harry. Listen, I know, I know. I said it was bottom!Louis but, they share that, so. I couldn't resist.

Louis' heard the term _if you love something, let it go_ a million times over throughout his twenty three years of life and never has he disagreed with a statement more. Now, especially. Christmas is in a few days, his birthday even sooner, and all he can think about is his impending departure. He's spending more time at home, helping his mum. She's found out she's having twins, which is completely mind boggling for Louis because how in the hell are they supposed to get on? Lottie may have been on to something, but Louis won't go back on his promise to help. Jay seems at ease with it though, and Louis suspects she's in some sort of state of shock at this point, just drifting by without a care. Lottie and Fizzy have decided to come around and Louis would like to think it's because of his talk with them. They apologized to Jay the following day and have been angels ever since. It's nauseating the way that they're acting, but he supposes it's better than completely ignoring Jay all together. Mark has been coming 'round more which is unsettling but Louis lets it be; it isn't his choice. It's not that he hates Mark, per se, it's just that he left his mum. And his sisters. Alone. So, he doesn't exactly like him right now. Rightfully so, as Jay had say. On the days that Mark comes by, Louis makes an excuse to leave and usually heads for one of two places; Zayn's or Harry's, depending on which is home. 

It's just, the more time he spends with either of them, the more he dreads leaving. He can't picture, at this point, packing up his things and getting on a plane, leaving everyone and everything he loves behind. In Seattle, it'd been easy. He hadn't let himself get attached to anyone there, even in the years he's been there. He gave them bits and pieces when they'd ask about his life, but never the whole story and never too much. But Zayn, well, Zayn's his _best fucking mate_. Zayn _knows_ Louis. It's eerie sometimes how in tune he is to Louis, but Louis supposes he's just the same. And Zayn's always had that weird intuition thing going on that used to creep Louis the fuck out. 

So it comes as no surprise that when Louis shows up at Zayn's flat, the latter immediately knows something's off. 

"Lou," He says cautiously, shutting the door behind him. "What's up?" 

Louis flops himself down on Zayn's ratty old couch that's definitely seen better days and sighs, closing his eyes. "'M not sure." Which is a lie and Louis knows Zayn knows this so really, there's no point. 

Zayn hums thoughtfully. Louis listens to his footsteps as he crosses the room and sits down beside Louis, pulling him until his head rests on Zayn's lap. He cards his fingers through Louis' hair and says, "You're full of shit." Louis scoffs, but doesn't argue because _yes_ , yes he is. "Tell me." 

Louis' quiet for a moment, eyes still closed. Finally, he says, "I don't want to leave." 

Zayn doesn't miss a beat. "And why not?" It doesn't come out demanding, just curious. 

"I'll miss you," Louis sighs, finally opening his eyes and staring up at Zayn. "And Liam, I'll miss him, too. And me mum and all the girls." 

"What else?" Zayn prompts, fingers still moving in Louis' hair. His expression is soft as he watches Louis, waiting. 

The thing about it is, Zayn knows. Zayn knows about Harry and everything, he just wants to hear him say it. And maybe Louis needs to talk about with someone. 

"I-Well," Louis starts, scrunching his brows. "Harry." He breathes. "I'll miss Harry. So fucking much. And it's idiotic, maybe, to feel this way already when he's gone and done such awful things, but. But I do. I feel this way and I feel many, many other things about him and I just. I'll miss him."

"And have you told him?" Zayn asks calmly.

Louis nods. "Yeah. He says we'll Skype and all that but. I don't know, Z. It's just..." 

"Not enough?" Zayn puts in, raising his eyebrows. 

" _Never_ enough." Louis says, biting his lip. "It won't be enough and it won't be the same. I feel like I need him. I want to be able to come home to him after a long day. I want to be able to see his smile in person, the smile he saves just for me. Hear his goofy little giggle or his obnoxious duck laugh whenever he hears something that particularly amuses him. I want to see the excitement in his eyes when he approaches me with good news, I wanna be the first one he tells everything to. I wanna be there to hold him when he's upset and having a shit day, no one else to turn to because it just isn't the same. I just. I just want to _be here_." 

Zayn nods as he listens, taking everything in. His hand stops in Louis' hair and he pats his shoulder, signaling him to sit up. Louis does, crossing his legs under him and turning to Zayn, whose studying him now. 

"You love him." He states, no judgement in his tone. Just understanding. 

Louis already knew that, he did. But hearing it from someone else, Zayn especially, almost knocks the wind out of him. It's been implied a few times by Jay, Zayn and even Lottie once. And Louis knows he does. Of course he loves Harry. He'll always love Harry but. 

"Fuck," Louis whispers, staring a hole into Zayn's jeans. "I love him." 

And it's the first time he's said it out loud. It's the first time he has admitted out loud for anyone to hear in years. He loves Harry Styles. Louis loves him. 

Zayn nods, reaching for Louis' hand and gripping it tightly. Louis looks to him, eyes wide. "Lou, tell him." 

Louis flinches back at that because he can't. He can't tell him. God, he can't do that. They're already in too deep; Louis admitting his feelings would make things even worse for the pair when he leaves. 

Louis loves him and he's leaving him. 

"This is..." He shakes his head, mind whirling. 

"It's a lot, Lou. But how can you go back to Seattle without at least giving him _something_?" And Zayn almost sounds like he feels for Harry. Louis will have to look more into this later when he isn't having a mental break. 

"He told me." Louis states, peering back up at Zayn again. 

Zayn gives him a quizzical look in response. 

"He told me he loves me." 

"Oh." Zayn breathes, his own eyes widening. "Fuck, mate. Wow." 

"I know!" Louis almost shouts, jumping up from the couch and running a frantic hand through his hair. "I know. Fuck. He loves me and I love him and-"

"And you're leaving?" Zayn interrupts, raising his eyebrows and sticking his hands out as if he can't even wrap his mind around the situation. 

Louis opens his mouth to answer. And then closes. Opens. Closes. 

" _Fuck_!" He shouts, frustrated and tired. 

Zayn stands, wrapping his arms around Louis and pulling him in. Louis' breathing has increased, which is never a good sign, but this time his chest doesn't feel tight; it just feels full. Full because of Harry. 

"Lou, why don't you take a little while to just think about whether or not going back would be a good idea?" Zayn murmurs, letting Louis go. 

Louis stares at him for a moment before deciding he's probably right. Zayn's always right, right?

He nods. "Okay. Okay, I'm doing this." 

Zayn nods back, pulling him in again. "I cannot wait to tell Liam about this." 

 

**_**

 

The thing about Louis' birthday, and this is always how it's been, is that it's a **Big Deal**. Ever since he can remember, there've been celebrations where everyone and anyone came, Jay beaming at her pride and joy, her only son. The light of her life, as he likes to think. I mean, she's never picked favorites, but let's be honest. 

This year though, Louis' twenty fourth year alive, _albeit barely_ , is different. Because Jay is Stressed, Mark isn't around too much, Lottie and Fizzy aren't in the mood to celebrate, and Daisy and Phoebe don't even know what day his birthday is, really. His mum had broken the news yesterday that she'd be working today, all day, and that she was afraid they just couldn't do it this year. And Louis isn't a spoiled brat, no. But. 

But his birthday is a _Thing!_ It's a thing and it's always been that way since the dawn of time! It's his day and he hates that he can't even spend it normally this year. 

This is his first year back with his family for his birthday since he left and it's just a bit shit that he can't even spend it with them. So, he does what he does best: stuffs his face with crisps and puts on shitty telly, holing himself up in his room. 

He's twenty four today and it's just another day. 

He could call Harry. But he leaves in a week and if he's being completely honest with himself, he isn't ready to confront that. He'd been thinking, as Zayn had suggested, and it was doing shit to help him decide. 

Just as he's licking some seasoning from his fingers, his phone buzzes. 

Liam's name pops up and Louis sighs, answering dutifully. 

"Hello?"

"Lou, Zayn and-" Liam starts, but Louis interrupts because he's a shit. 

"New number, who dis?" 

Liam sighs, a long, drawn out sigh like he's done with Louis' shit already. Louis snickers. " _Lou_ , Zayn and I wanna have you over to mine for dinner tonight. Celebration and all." 

Louis mulls it over, figuring Zayn _would_ want to do something, and agrees. "As long as I don't have to change me pants, I'm fine." 

Liam makes an affronted noise on the other end before demanding that Louis _please_ change his pants anyway. He tells him to be there around seven before he hangs up.

Louis continues licking his fingers, making a mental note to _not_ change his pants and guessing how long it'll take Liam to notice. 

 

**_**

 

Louis peers around, taking in Liam's posh flat. Well, the door, anyway. He's knocked, and now he's waiting. But he already knows it'll scream Liam when he enters if the pot of Peonies outside are clue enough. Just as he's raising his hand to knock again, the door flies open and Zayn's at the other end. He smiles broadly, giving Louis a hug. 

"Happy birthday, Lou Bear!" 

Louis groans, smiling anyway and smacking the back of Zayn's head before stepping inside. He was right; it's definitely Liam's place. 

It's white, everything is white. The walls, the carpeting. The couch is a gray color, flowers on each end. It smells like honey and something Louis can't quite place and it feels like home. A home where if you spilled your juice on any surface, you'd be beaten to a pulp by a large puppy-like man. But home nontheless. Zayn takes him around, showing him the place and it's really nice. He lingers for a bit in the den, taking in all of Liam's embarrassing and sweet pictures. There's one where he looks about eight. He's dressed in a suit with a cheesy grin on his face and Louis smiles, turning to Zayn. 

"Have you shown him any of your awful pictures?" He smirks.

Zayn rolls his eyes, tugging him away and mumbling, "No, but I've shown him yours." 

Liam, as it turns out, isn't even there. Louis isn't sure how you're meant to host a get together and not even show, but he shakes it off, agreeing to a beer when Zayn asks. They've finished two each when Liam walks in, two people in tow. 

Harry enters behind him, grinning like mad and lunging at Louis. Niall enters last, putting two cases of beer onto the table and placing his hands on his hips. 

"So," He bellows, like this is just another normal night for him. "We gonna get shit faced or what?" 

Harry kisses Louis' cheek, hugging him tight. "Happy birthday, Lou." 

Louis grins. "Thanks, babe." 

Zayn clears his throat next to them, Harry shifting awkwardly and sitting on Louis' other side. It's tense, but not near as tense as Louis thought it would be. He's surprised, almost wonders if he's gone delirious. The fact that Zayn's agreed to even be in the presence of Harry is something big. Louis' thankful that he's trying. Louis loves Zayn. Liam enters from the kitchen then, three boxes of pizza in hand. He drops them unceremoniously onto the coffee table next to the beers.

"Mate," Niall says, opening one box with a skeptical look. "Are we meant to share these?" 

Liam nods, brows furrowed. 

Niall huffs, shrugging. "I'll try, but I'm not making any promises." 

"Niall can eat five entire large pizzas by himself," Harry pipes up. 

The man in question beams like it's his something he's immensely proud of, patting his stomach. 

"They call me Niall the Tank. This thing's made of steel." 

"They don't call you that and there is no they." Harry comments, intertwining his and Louis' fingers. Louis' heart flutters. 

Niall makes an indignant sound, but is interrupted by Zayn. 

"Right, anyway," He leans forward, eyeing Harry, who grips Louis' hand tighter. "You." 

Zayn-" Louis tries to intervene, but Zayn barrels through. 

"Harry, I don't like you, mate." Which, it isn't a revelation to any of them but. _Rude_. "And I just want you to know, if you hurt him again, it won't end well for you." 

Harry shifts, leaning forward too and eyeing Zayn with a solid expression. "Zayn, understandable. But consider this: I don't plan on ever letting him go again." 

Zayn's quiet for a moment before he says, "But how am I supposed to know that?" 

"I love him," Harry answers in a beat, not faltering one bit. Louis' breath hitches because he didn't really think they were at the point of like, professing their love in front of everyone but. 

But. 

It makes his chest swell. He squeezes Harry's hand.

Zayn shuts up after that, effectively ending the conversation. He nods, but still sends odd glances Harry's way every once in awhile. It's not tense anymore, though, so Louis is thankful. 

After they've all demolished the pizzas and a case of beers, Louis slinks off to the bathroom. He sends a glance towards Harry, smirking before he saunters off down the hall. He waits for a few minutes before Harry rounds the corner, pulling him in. Louis kisses him, smiling up at him before he pulls him into the bathroom. Once they've locked the door, Louis pushes Harry's back against it, mouthing at his neck. 

Harry's hands land on Louis' waist, hips bucking already. 

Louis breaks away from the fresh love bite, blowing on it and earning a low moan from Harry. 

"'Ve been wanting to do that all night," Louis breathes, biting at Harry's earlobe. 

Harry nods, pulling Louis in for another kiss. It's heated, maybe too heated for a snog in his best mate's bathroom, but he doesn't care. 

Louis pulls back, eyes boring into Harry's own lust-blown green ones. He swallows, taking in the man in front of him, letting his hands roam over Harry's sides, settling on each side of his face. He cards through his dark curls, watching as Harry's eyes flutter momentarily. 

" _Harry_ ," Louis whispers reverently. "Haz, I-" 

_Bang bang bang_

"Put your dicks away, I have to piss!" Niall shouts on the other end of the door before banging his fists against it again. 

Harry closes his eyes, smiling broadly, dimples popping and Louis fucking loves this man so much. Louis drops his head onto Harry's shoulder as he laughs quietly, Harry hugging him against him for a moment before they kiss gently, opening the door. 

Niall's at the other end, brows furrowed and hands over his crotch. 

"Fucking finally," He groans, barreling past the pair and slamming the door behind himself. 

 

Unbeknownst to Louis, the boys decide to reveal that they've gotten him gifts. Louis feels like shit, but he swears he's got their gifts at home, tucked away and waiting. The first to hand him their gift, and undoubtedly the most eager, is surprisingly Niall. He thrusts a small, lightweight box into Louis' hands and sits down on the edge of the couch, chin sat atop his fists and a small, nervous grin on his face as he nods at Louis to open it. Louis smiles at him and unwraps the simple silver paper. 

Opening the box, he sees paper. Confused, he picks up the paper and then- 

" _Fuck_ ," He breathes, glancing from the papers to Niall and back again. "Niall..." 

Niall jumps up then, wrapping Louis in a hug and grinning into his neck. "Happy birthday, mate." 

It's tickets. Two tickets. To a Man U game next season. Fuck. 

"Niall," Louis smiles slowly, setting the tickets back in the box. "Fuck, mate. Thank you!"

Niall waves him off, smiling. "No worries, mate." 

Before Louis can process, Zayn's shoving his gift into his face. It's wrapped in wrapping paper that has the words _Boom Pow Zap_ all across it in pop art. Appropriate, Louis thinks. 

Louis smirks at him, Zayn raises a brow. 

He unwraps it, taking out the box and ripping it open. He notices, belatedly, that Harry is picking up everything he's throwing down so carelessly, placing it all into a trash bag. God. 

Zayn's gift is very Zayn. It's a box set of every Marvel movie and Louis laughs as he thanks him, pulling him into a hug and promising both him and Liam that they'll sit and watch every single one before he leaves. 

Liam hands over his gift next with a sheepish smile. He hadn't bothered wrapping it, and Louis' endeared. Zayn rolls his eyes at Liam's confession that he can't wrap gifts for shit but it makes Louis smile. 

It's a box of Yorkshire along with a brand new mug that has pizza slices designed across it. It's amazing and Louis' new favorite person is Liam. Ever. 

Last but not least, Harry gives Louis his own present, kissing his cheek and giving him a small smile. 

It's wrapped in a blue and green watercolored wrapping paper and it's pretty, like Harry. Louis would almost guess Harry had made that himself. There's a small, brown tag on it that says, _Lou :)_. Louis' heart jumps. 

He peers up at Harry, who's cheeks are a little pink, and back down at his present, gently tearing the paper. It reveals a small white box, a little bigger than Niall's own and he bites his lip as he takes the lid off. 

His heart lurches when he sees what's inside. 

It's a forest green scarf.

It's different from his old one, tiny gold specks scattered across it and  _fuck_. This one is even more like Harry's eyes. Harry remembered, he remembered Louis' favorite scarf and he remembered their conversation from what feels like ages ago in that cafe, where Louis was sure, so fucking sure he hated Harry. God, _he knew_. He knew he, he felt such a fiery fierceness to protect himself from him then, but now. Fuck, _now_. Now Harry is here, in front of him, lovely green eyes taking him in, plush pink lip bitten in anticipation. And Louis is content. He's content being here, surrounded by old friends, new friends, a possible old-new boyfriend. He's happy. He's the happiest he's been in so fucking long, he can't even remember.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, he surges forward, scarf clutched in his hands and kisses Harry. He kisses him hard, attempting to let all of his feelings spill out onto Harry's lips. He wants Harry to know. He wants him to feel it.  He wants to imprint this moment, this happiness into his own mind, onto Harry's lips, forever. He wants to look back in fifty years, hand in Harry's own and think that this. _This_ was the moment it all fell into place. This was it. 

He pulls away when Zayn clears his throat. Peering over, Louis sees that Niall is covering his mouth, barely hiding a smile and Liam is biting his lip to suppress his own with Zayn tucked under his arm. Zayn's face is an attempt at impassive, but Louis knows he's happy. At least a little bit. He looks back at Harry, whose face is still inches from his own, whose hands are still on his shoulders, and smiles. The realest smiles he's smiled in awhile.

The one he receives back is _breathtaking_. 

 

They all tapper off, saying their goodbyes after eating some cupcakes that seem to appear out of nowhere. But if Harry's sly grin has anything to do with it as they're singing to Louis, well. Louis doesn't mention it. He'll get him back. 

Harry walks Louis to his car, hands intertwined between them as they come to a halt. He opens the door for him, bowing as Louis slides into the driver's seat. Louis rolls his eyes, but it's fond and he's so gone for this boy.

They hold hands over the center console while Louis drives Harry to his flat and Louis feels warm the whole way home, but his _real_ home is right here next to him. 

 

**_**

 

Christmas day is a blur of squeals and shimmery wrapping paper that makes too much noise. His mum had bought him a new kettle for tea, sighting it the only thing she could afford this year, and Louis hugs her extra tight afterwards. Mark is here, looming and ever-present, smiling, even. It's odd, Louis isn't used to it now, but he supposes it's good for the girls and mum and maybe even himself. He can see now, he thinks, how Jay would still love Mark and want to work things out even after he's left for a little while. He knows. Understands. He even goes as far as to strike conversation with him, ignoring his mother's watery smile at the sight because he's trying. _He's trying_. 

He thinks Mark knows this too, if the small, grateful smiles he receives every now and then are any indication. 

Lottie and Fizzy chipped in and bought him a speaker to hook up to his phone, but asked him not to use it until he's back in Seattle because they "can't stand his shitty music." Whatever. 

He'd bought the twins, the big ones, matching lockets, each with a picture of him and them in it, making them hug him. He'd, of course, put them on for them. 

Lottie and Fizzy both got gift cards because Louis knows fuck all about teenage girls, but they seemed happy enough. 

And for his mum, he'd bought her a Spa Day. She teared up as he explained the premise, where it was and that he'd watch everyone for her whenever she decided to go. This seemed to please Mark, too, who'd also had a gift to share. 

With everyone, apparently. 

"So," He started, broad smile on his face, matching Jay's. He clasped a hand over her shoulder, Jay holding his right back. Louis swallowed. "Your mum and I have decided that I'll be moving back in. We love you all dearly, and we love each other just as much." 

Jay wiped at her eyes as Phoebe screamed, "It's a Christmas Miracle!" Both Lottie and Fizzy cooing and hugging Jay, then Mark. 

Louis sat back, watching it unfold and smiling at his mum from across the room. 

He'd clapped Mark on the back later, smiling at him and welcoming him back. 

As long as his mother and sisters were happy, so was he. 

 

Now, he's on the phone with his, well, Harry. He isn't sure what this is, still. He just knows he loves him and can't fathom leaving him. 

"So, yeah. That happened. They won't need my help after all, I reckon." Louis states, flipping through channels on his telly before landing on Rudolph. 

Harry hums on the other end. "At least everyone is happy." 

Louis can agree with that. 

"So, I've got your present." He says, smiling to himself. 

Harry chuckles breathily. "Oh?"

"Yeah," Louis hums, and he's serious, he does have an actual present for Harry. But he can't help it if blood starts rushing to his dick at Harry's raspy, insinuating tone. "'S pretty big." 

"Think I can handle it?" Harry asks, mock innocent. 

"I don't know, babe." Louis smirks. "Might be overwhelming." 

"Good thing I've already prepped for it." Harry says casually and Louis almost chokes. 

Fuck.

"Haz," He breathes, palming himself just to relieve some pressure. "are you-" 

"I definitely did and I'm definitely waiting." Harry interrupts and he's practically purring into the phone now. Louis wouldn't doubt he's already got a hand on himself. "You wanna bring my present over soon, Lou? I need it, babe. Think I deserve it?" 

Louis groans, closing his eyes and breathing in to compose himself before he says, "Aren't you with family, babe? Naughty, Hazza. Don't know if you should get your present now." 

Harry whines into the phone and Louis' previous thoughts of Harry touching himself are confirmed. "Lou, please. 'Ve been so good." 

"Where are you?" Louis asks, sucking in a breath as he runs a hand over himself again. 

"Home," Harry answers breathily. "Already came home. Please come over, Louis." 

And fuck. This is happening, apparently. Louis springs up and says, "Be there soon, baby." 

 

Soon is ten minutes and ten minutes is not soon enough. After a quick, awkward goodbye to his mother, who was obviously not happy with him darting out on Christmas, he begs for her car and she reluctantly agrees. Louis speeds his way there, prepared to get a ticket over this because his cock is still waiting and Harry is already open for him and fuck. Louis can't think. He raps on Harry's door, kissing him as soon as he opens it. He shoves his way in, marveling in the fact that Harry's already got his shirt off, and runs his hands over his abdomen. He's so soft. Louis moans into his mouth. 

Harry drops down onto his knees, then, unbuttoning Louis' pants before he can even comprehend what's going on. He tugs them down forcefully, along with Louis' briefs, and gets his mouth on him almost immediately. 

Louis groans, knees buckling and dropping his head back against the door behind him. Harry works his tongue over Louis' cock, sliding it along as he moves his head over the length. Louis takes a chance, looks down, and-

"Fuck," He curses, dropping his head back and clawing at the door behind him. Harry looks so obscene, eyes wide and glistening, lips swollen and locked around Louis' cock and it almost makes him come into his mouth right then. 

Harry pulls off, stands up, and takes his own pants down along with a pair of festive Santa briefs, all in one fluid motion. His eyes are dark, lust blown and gorgeous. He's gorgeous, Louis thinks. Fucking ethereal. 

He surges forward, lips meeting Louis' and tasting musky as he slips his tongue into his mouth, moaning. They're both naked, grinding into each other and it's filthy but it's so fucking hot and Louis needs to be inside of Harry, now. 

Apparently, Harry has other ideas, though. He guides Louis away from the door and into his bedroom. It smells of lavender this time, not strawberry and Louis thinks it fits Harry more. It's faint but lovely and so, so Harry. 

He's pushed onto the bed gently, Harry crawling over him and giving him a sweet, slow kiss that leaves him wanting so much more. Harry works his way down, kissing a trail until he's at Louis' bellybutton. He grins up at him, glint in his eyes as he says, "Turn over." 

Louis gives him a confused look. "But I thought-"

"You will, baby. Just trust me." Harry says, tone firm. Louis does as he's told, brows furrowed and thoroughly confused until he feels Harry's large hands on his arse. 

"Oh," He mumbles, clutching onto the pillow that's under him. 

Harry just hums behind him, running his hands over his cheeks before parting them and making a low sound in his throat like this is all he's ever wanted to do. 

He leans in, breath ghosting over Louis' hole and says, "This okay, Lou?" Before taking a tentative lick. 

Louis lets out a whimper, nodding and hoping Harry can see. 

"You sure?" He asks, and there's that mock innocence Louis heard earlier but fuck if it isn't turning him on even more. Harry dives in again, this time more sure. 

Louis' hips buck slightly as he rasps out, " _Yes_ , Harry." 

Harry licks again, tongue prodding at Louis' entrance before he leans back, blowing over it. "If you're positive." And with that, he goes to work. Harry eats him out languidly, taking his time to make Louis fall to pieces under his tongue, just like he'd promised so long ago. He sucks at his rim, causing Louis to cry out and grind back. He wants more, more, more. Always more. 

Harry licks and sucks until Louis is begging, sobbing and close, so close to coming.

And then he's gone. Louis whines, turning over. Just as he lands on his back, Harry's rubbing lube over his cock. 

"Fuck," He moans, watching Harry's hand work over him. He's so close. 

And then, Harry's on him, sinking down slowly and throwing his own head back, curls falling over his shoulders and the epitome of beauty. 

He starts bouncing, finding his own rhythm as Louis' hands land on his hips, gripping lightly. He's in awe, really, as he watches him ride his dick like he owns it. Like it's his passion. 

Right as it starts to get good, Harry opens his eyes and levels his gaze at Louis. He stops, grabbing Louis' hands and pushing them off of his hips. Louis' confused, but Harry has this determined look in his eye that makes him keep his mouth shut. And then, Harry's turning, back facing Louis as he starts building up his rhythm again. He's letting out the most sinful sounds Louis' ever heard in his life, and Louis can't help but buck up his own hips. Harry stills, glancing over his shoulder and raising a brow. 

"Louis," He says evenly, even though his voice is wrecked. "No." 

And with that, he rises up and drops down. Hard. He moves faster on top of Louis, batting his hands away when he touches him and it's driving Louis wild. He just wants to touch. Wants to fuck Harry so bad. He's so gorgeous, and even though Louis can't see his face, another thing he'd like to do, he knows the look he's got is pure bliss; mouth open slightly, head lolling back, eyes fluttering closed as these sweet, sweet sounds leave his pretty mouth. 

Fuck, Louis wants to see him. 

"Haz," He groans, gripping the sheets in order to calm himself. "Please." 

"You- _fuck_. T-ten days. You're leaving me, Lou." Harry moans, picking up his pace. Louis can see his arm working, and fuck he wants Harry to come on him, on his face, in his mouth. "No touching, no- _oh, fuck_ -no moving, _no coming_." 

It's both heartbreaking and incredibly hot watching Harry use him to get off. 

Harry lets out a low groan, head falling back again and hips stilling as he comes. Louis feels it splash onto his shins and Harry's bed sheets. Harry's still for a moment, breathing heavy, before he moves, letting Louis slip out of him. 

He turns around, smiling shyly at Louis before he grabs his cock, working his hand over him quickly. Louis lets his head sink back into the pillow that smells just like Harry, moaning when Harry thumbs over the slit. 

"Lou," Harry breaths, leaning down and pressing a soft kiss to Louis' hip. He works his hand faster, squeezing at the tip like he knows Louis likes. "You can come now, baby. Want you to come, Lou. Let me taste you. Wanna taste you so bad." 

And that has Louis coming with a high moan, watching as Harry catches some on his tongue, licking at the tip when Louis finishes and making him shiver. 

He inches up Louis' body, kissing him gently and falling at his side. 

"Fuck." Louis says, voice shot. 

Harry sighs against him, breath hitting Louis' neck as he hums an agreement. 

"That was-wow. Harry, wow." 

Harry breathes out a laugh, kissing Louis' neck. "Thanks, babe. You too. Very wow." 

It's quiet for a minute, Louis running a hand through Harry's curls, Harry breathing evenly as he cuddles into Louis' side. 

"Haz," Louis says quietly. "Are you okay with me leaving?" 

Harry sits up, brows furrowed and looking like a disgruntled kitten. Fuck, he's so cute. "What do you mean?" 

"It's just, well," Louis sighs, waving a hand in the air. "The whole, "you're leaving me" thing. Are you, like, okay?" 

A slow smile spreads on Harry's face, and he looks much like the Cheshire cat, before he says, "'M all right, Lou. Whatever makes you happy, makes me happy." 

Louis' heart clenches. He kisses Harry's forehead and Harry lays back down on his shoulder, kissing his neck again. 

"Actually," Louis starts, already smiling a little to himself. This is it. This is right. This is where he wants to be. "I was thinking I'd maybe just, y'know, stay here?" 

Harry sits up again, this time a look of complete surprise on his face with his eyes wide and mouth slightly agape. "Wait, _what_?" 

Louis grins at him, hand landing on his shoulder and pulling him in until they're inches apart. Harry never breaks eye contact, his gaze open and sincere. Louis loves him. Fuck, he loves him so much it makes his chest hurt. It makes his insides feel floaty and his mind race a mile a minute. It's a love that makes him want to be better. To do better. He wants to make Harry proud and he wants to make Harry smile. He wants to be here, in London, maybe even in this fucking flat, with Harry. 

"Harry, I want to move back to London." 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come visit me on my [tumblr!](http://rimminharry.tumblr.com//)


	11. You Are The Blood In My Veins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, ya'll. The following chapter is an epilogue. Can you believe it? Feels like I've been working on this story for ages. I'm sure Harry's hair has grown at least two inches since I've started this journey. I love you all and you're all appreciated. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. <3

_"I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand and the Eskimos had a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep and there are no words for that."_

_Brian Andreas_

___

 

Harry stares at Louis, bewildered. "You-what?" 

Louis kisses him, slow and sweet because they've got all the time in the world. He isn't going anywhere. When he pulls back, Harry's eyes are watering. "I'm staying, Haz. I'm not leaving you." 

Harry lets out a sob, kissing Louis again and again and it portrays everything Harry isn't saying. They part and Harry bites his lip before saying, "Are you sure?" And despite his tears and his flushed cheeks, he's still managing to think about Louis. 

"God, Hazza, I've never been more sure of anything in my entire life." Louis lets out a few tears of his own, holding Harry's head in his hands, foreheads brushing as they both let it out. It's not sad, far from. It's a sort of relief that's floating around them; a calm. They lay there for awhile, wrapped up in each other, skin against skin and soft kisses every once in awhile. Louis wants this. He wants it forever, until he ceases to be in the world. 

It's like this: Louis was drowning. Louis was in a sea, a dark, black, endless sea. And then there's Harry. Harry, who he'd thought put him into this sea, leaving him with no lifeboat, no float, nothing. But Harry was his savior, really. In the midst of it all, Harry was there, teaching Louis to swim, teaching him to _breathe_. Harry was his boat and his lighthouse and his guiding way home. Harry _is_ home. 

Louis thinks that Harry is the sun. But Harry would argue that he is the sun. Either way, they orbit around each other, soaking in the light. If Louis is the sun, he thinks Harry is the moon. Louis thinks, if anyone were to ask, Harry is the moon and he's also Louis' whole universe. It's a scary thought, maybe. But he thinks they were bound to break apart, crash and burn up until they were nothing, only to find each other again, to light a whole new fire and burn so bright together. 

Maybe, he thinks, maybe it's fate. 

Maybe it is, in the way that the first time Louis saw his gangly limbs, awkward stature and frizzy curls, he just, he was drawn to him. Maybe, the universe knew that it would take some time, lots of time, even, but eventually, they'd get it right. Just right, perfect. Louis and Harry, if you'd ask Louis, are like a puzzle. It takes some time to find the right piece, but when you do, they just fit. There is no other piece to go with them and they're alone until you find their match, but when you do, everything else snaps into place. 

Harry is like fresh baked cookies right when you get home from school. He's like warm apple cider on a crisp fall day. He's like the hug you get when you haven't seen someone in so long. He's like children's laughter and bright sunny days where you lay and point out shapes in the clouds. 

Louis feels just that much brighter when he's around. 

 

**-**

 

When Louis arrives back at his mum's, after spending the whole night at Harry's, Jay is cleaning up the mess from the day before. Louis feels a twinge of guilt settle into his gut before he notices that she's actually smiling. Beaming, even. This is new, he thinks. He hangs up her keys and moves to help her when she stops him, tutting. 

She lands a hand on her hip, small smile on her lips. His mum is really very lovely, even when she's sassy. "And just where have you been?" She asks.

Louis can't help the grin that spreads on his face as he bags a piece of wrapping paper. "Harry's." 

Jay raises a brow, setting the bag down and motioning for the couch were they both take a seat. "Spill, Lou." 

And he does. He tells her about how wonderful Harry is, how he spent his birthday with all of the lads, which makes Jay smile, and about the gifts he received, including Harry's. He still has one thing to tell her, though. He bites his lip, tries to contain his excitement. 

"And, there's one more thing." He says. Jay, none the wiser, only nods and encourages him to continue. "I'm moving back." 

Jay stills, eyes wide and a huge smile on her face, teeth glimmering in the low light. "Oh, Lou, really?" 

Louis nods enthusiastically, laughing brightly when Jay pulls him in to a hug and squeezes. "Are you sure? Oh, baby, what changed your mind? _Are you sure, Lou?_ " 

It all comes fast and Louis has to let out another chuckle before pulling back, smiling broadly. 

"I'm positive. I've got nothing in Seattle, really. This is _home_ , mum. I want to come home." 

Jay lets out a watery laugh, wiping at her eyes and hugging him again before telling him she wants to be here when he tells the girls. Louis agrees, crying along with her and it all feels so right. He belongs here.

 

**-**

 

Zayn and Liam are elated that he's decided to move back, both whooping into the phone when he calls. He hears an extra whoop in there somewhere and questions them. 

"It's Niall," Zayn explains, taking Louis by surprise. 

"Got FIFA on, Tommo, if ya wanna come join!" He hears Niall yelling. Louis laughs and declines the offer, taking a raincheck. 

They all discuss where Louis will live, how he'll get his stuff here, and Niall even offers him up a job, saying that the place he's working is hiring. It's all so exciting, refreshing. He can't help but smile through the whole conversation, listening to them all chatter at once and catching small tidbits from each. His cheeks hurt by the time he's ended the call and he receives a text from Zayn not but five minutes later. 

_I called it, Liam owes me twenty quid._ He tacks on a smiley face with it's tongue sticking out and Louis shakes his head fondly, typing out a simple _fuck off_.  And then he texts _thank you, z, for being there for me. love you._

He gets a load of heart emojis back and rolls his eyes. 

Once he's alone, he sits in his old room and takes it all in. Zayn had offered him to move in, as had Niall and Liam. But he isn't sure. If he's being honest, the person he'd like to move in with most is Harry. But he hasn't even told him how he's feeling yet, although he thinks Harry has an inkling. He ponders texting him right then, but decides against it. This is something he wants to do in person. He wants to see Harry's face, his eyes, when Louis tells him he loves him, he's in love with him, for the first time in years. 

Just then, his phone buzzes. 

It's a new group thread, because apparently that's a thing that they're doing now. It's Zayn, Liam, Niall and Harry. 

_**Z** : new years plans, lads?_

_**N:** drinkin ! _

_**LP** : no shit ni. _

Louis isn't sure why they're texting each other when they're literally in the same room. They're teenagers, he thinks. 

_**LT** : Party ? _

_**Z** : duh._

Louis rolls his eyes. Harry texts then and his heart stutters. 

_**H** : We can have it at mine._

_**N** : sounds good, h !_

_**Z** : sure thing, m8. _

_**LP** : everyone byob. _

_**LT** : (: <33_

_**H** : (((: <3_

_Zayn, Liam and Niall have left the group._

 

**_-_ **

 

Two days from New Years Eve, Louis finds himself browsing the liquor store with Harry and Niall. Niall's already got his basket filled almost to the brim and it's a bit scary, if Louis' being honest, but he doesn't comment. Harry's been at his side, only stopping to grab a bottle of red wine. They're currently looking at beers, mulling over each label and debating which is best when Niall bounds over, stepping right in between them and placing an arm over each of their shoulders. 

"I've got my load. Heading out, now, lovebirds." And he smacks a kiss to each of their cheeks before sprinting off to pay for his liquor. 

Louis thinks that Niall's spirit animal is a bunny, probably. Something equally as hyperactive and overly happy as he is. 

He steps back a little, turning to watch as Harry bites his lip, seriously concentrating on fucking beer. His brows are furrowed, a line in between them, and you'd think he was trying to decode a bomb instead of decide on a lager. Louis smiles a little, hopelessly endeared. Just then, Harry turns his head and meets his eyes. A slow smile forms on his own lips, as if he's in on the joke, and he surprises Louis with what he does next. 

He grabs Louis' hand, intertwining their fingers like it's just. Like it's something they do all the time; holding hands in public. This is the first time that Harry has done this and the confidence and assuredness radiates off of him. He isn't in the closet anymore, Louis reminds himself. Maybe, just maybe, he's proud of this. He's proud of being able to call Louis his. If Louis is his. Is Louis his?

"Hey," Harry brings him out of his momentary mental break, stepping closer. Their hands are still woven perfectly. Louis never wants to let go. "Everything all right?"

Louis loves him. 

He wants to say it. 

"Everything's fine, Haz," Louis smiles, mentally slapping himself. "Think 'm ready to go." 

Harry nods, picking up a random case of beer and adding it to their pile. _Their pile_ of liquor because they've decided that they're hosting this New Years Eve thing together and it shouldn't feel as domestic as it does as Louis watches Harry pay, smiling at him over his shoulder. As they place everything in the boot of Harry's car, Louis shuts it and leans over, kissing Harry. It's brief, but the way Harry's eyes light up, a smile overtaking his face, it means everything to Louis. 

**-**

 

On New Years Eve, Louis kisses his mum goodbye and gives the twins, the big ones, a kiss each as he says goodnight. Lottie has gone off to a party with Uni friends and Fizzy has elected to spend time with her boyfriend. Jay and Mark are planning on spending some much needed time to themselves after the twins are in bed. Louis wishes them both the best, an early Happy New Year to each, and springs out the door. He isn't planning on coming back tonight, so Harry's come to pick him up. As he climbs into the car, Harry leans over before he can even buckle himself and kisses him. Louis smiles the rest of the way to Harry's flat. 

After setting up a mass amount of decorations, because Harry is always prepared, and only stopping once for pre-party blowjobs, the boys finally arrive. Niall's first in, smacking Louis on the back and kissing Harry's cheek before he hauls in his stash of alcohol. It's a lot, too much, but Niall's been known to put away some liquor so. Louis isn't too worried. Zayn and Liam are next in, only showing up with a case of beer and some wine. Zayn rolls his eyes as Niall lectures them on party etiquette. The amount of alcohol they've got all together is daunting and Louis can foresee a blackout in his future. 

"All right, let's get this shit started," Niall announces, grabbing a bottle of vodka and various other bottles before meandering around Harry's kitchen. He emerges, handing everyone a drink. 

Zayn looks suspicious, waiting for everyone else to take a drink, and Louis just sets his down. Liam, because he's nice, takes a small sip, face souring up. Harry drinks his as if it's nothing, smirking at Louis. 

"I'm used to Niall's drinks." He explains. 

Niall's off to the kitchen again, making his second drink. There's a knock at the door and Harry shoots Louis a speculative look. Niall runs out of the kitchen, eyes a little wide as he turns to the group. 

"I've invited some people," He huffs, and there's another knock at the door. "Just a few close friends." 

And then he opens the door. 

 

A few close friends turns out to be well over ten people, all brining in their own food and drinks. Louis' grateful for that, it means he and Harry won't have to go out grocery shopping anytime soon. Or, Harry won't. 

The flat is packed full of strangers, so Zayn, Liam, Harry and Louis end up huddled together outside on Harry's patio that overlooks the city lights. There are fireworks going off in the distance, making Harry jump every once in awhile which Louis tries his hardest not to coo at. Still, he slings an arm over Harry's shoulder and pulls him into his chest as they sip on their drinks. Niall had gotten lost somewhere along the way, but they can all vaguely hear him yelling about something before there's music blasting. 

"'M gonna get a complaint," Harry mumbles, brows furrowed as if this troubles him deeply. 

Louis squeezes his shoulder. "We'll leave. That way, it's Niall's job to put up with the police." 

Zayn snorts and Liam points out that that might be a good idea, just as the music gets louder. 

"So," Zayn says, taking a sip. "'Ve got some news." 

Louis' eyes dart from Zayn to Liam, who's now smiling broadly. "Okay," He drawls, eyes narrowing on the two. 

Harry sits up from where he's at, crossing his feet under him. He takes Louis' hand in his though, so Louis isn't too mad about the loss of contact. 

"We've decided to move in together." Liam says proudly, kissing Zayn's hair. 

Zayn looks the happiest he's been in awhile, so Louis smiles at the two. 

"Congratulations!" Harry squeals, squeezing Louis' hand in his. His smile is taking up his whole face, dimples popping and making Louis' heart palpitate. 

"Thanks, Harry," Liam laughs.

Zayn smiles at Harry, a real smile. "Thanks, H. Means a lot. We were actually hoping you two-"

Louis holds up a hand and says, "Nope. Not helping you move, mate." 

Harry squawks next to him, smacking his arm before leaning forward, eyes on the couple in front of them. "Of course we will. When are you planning on starting?" 

Louis tries to glare at him, but fuck. He's so _Harry_. 

"Next week, maybe?" Liam says, but it comes out as a question and he peers down at Zayn, who looks back up at him and nods, a small smile on his lips. "Next week." Liam states, more sure now. God, they're so cute. 

This time though, Louis doesn't hate it. 

He peers over at Harry, who's chatting away to the pair about color schemes and ambiance and he can't help but feel enamored. He feels like he's finally found what Liam and Zayn have. He's finally gotten his happy ending. He takes in Harry's curls and the way that they're thrown into a bun, partly do to Louis' request and partly do to the blowjob he'd given him earlier, his pretty pink lips that move slowly while he talks, taking his time to decide what to say. He takes in his milky white skin, flawless and soft, the way his green eyes seem to glow in the dim lighting from the city. The way, even through this whole conversation, his hand hasn't left Louis' own once. And the way that they fit so perfectly together. He's got on an oversized jumper, the one Louis had bought him for Christmas. It's lilac colored, pastel and lovely against his pale skin. He'd loved it as soon as he opened it, almost crying as he hugged Louis. His signature black skinnies are painted on and Louis just, he loves him so much. 

Louis thumbs over the scarf on his neck, smiling to himself. He's worn it often since Harry gave it to him, much to Harry's delight. 

He glances back over at the two in front of them, all flushed cheeks and excited smiles, and catches Zayn's eye. 

Zayn smiles at him, a knowing smile, and Louis thinks that Zayn's coming around. He'd even taken it upon himself to arrange a lunch date, just himself and Harry. It had gone well, apparently, because now he and Harry and Zayn and Liam have been practically inseparable. Zayn and Harry take it upon themselves to take the piss out of Louis, laughing at all of his idiot ideas from his teenage years and amusing Liam to no end. Louis scoffs indignantly and tries not to let his glee show because _they're all getting along and it's wonderful._

Niall pops up every once in awhile, whining about how "coupley" they all are, even though Louis and Harry haven't even defined their relationship yet. Louis takes it upon himself to go out with Niall sometimes, a lads night, just the two of them. They talk trash and get wasted and he's never felt more of a connection with Niall than on those nights.

As the brisk wind picks up around them, they all agree to finally go inside. The crowd hasn't fizzled and Louis sees there's ten minutes to midnight. He grabs Harry's hand and pulls him away from everyone, into his room, shutting the door behind them. 

Harry smiles questioningly, but Louis only kisses him. Harry's hands land on his hips, a perfect fit, and Louis' find Harry's shoulders. It's slow and sweet and it's like nothing and everything. Louis' never wanted something for the rest of his life more than he wants Harry. 

He pulls back, presses one small, chaste kiss to Harry's lips, before he gazes into his eyes. 

"Harry," He starts, nerves bubbling in his stomach which is stupid because Harry's said he loves him a million times before. "Thank you." 

Harry's brows furrow and the chanting begins from the living room. 

_Ten!_

"What are you thanking me for, Lou?" Harry asks, hands still sat on Louis' hips. 

_Nine!_

"For being here. For coming into my life." 

_Eight!_

Harry shakes his head, leaning in to kiss Louis. "Thank you, Louis."

_Seven!_

"Haz, I don't know what I would've done if I hadn't found you again." Louis says seriously. 

_Six!_

"Lou-"

_Five!_

"No, listen." _Four!_ "Harry you mean so much to me. God, you're my whole world now." _Three!_ "I can't imagine a life without you. I don't want to." _Two!_ "God, Harry. I love you. I love you so much, it hurts." _One!_ "I'll always love you. Always." 

And then he leans in, his eyes misty and matching Harry's, and kisses him like it's his last day. He kisses him until they can't breathe, until they're practically one. When he pulls back, Harry smiles and says, "Happy New Year, Lou." 

Louis grins, kissing him again before saying, "Harry New Year, Happy." And Harry loses it in a fit of giggles, shaking his head and pulling Louis in tight against his chest. Louis breathes in and everything around him is just so _Harry_. 

 

Louis wakes up the next morning with a mouthful of curls. He smiles, pulling Harry closer. Harry mumbles something in his sleep and Louis kisses his shoulder and it all feels like home. 

He gets up after a few minutes of battling with his bladder, pulling on some pants before relieving himself and stumbling into the living room. Zayn and Liam are nowhere to be seen, but Niall is passed out on the couch. He smiles, makes some tea and grabs two mugs before shuffling back into Harry's room. He's still sleeping soundly, so Louis sets his mug down on the nightstand before grabbing his phone. There's a text from Zayn. 

It's a picture of him and Harry, cuddled together and sleeping.

_Came to check on u. Saw this and had to. Happy new year, mate. Love u both._

Louis grins, saves the picture and writes Zayn back. 

Harry jostles next to him, yawning and rubbing his eyes before he rolls over and smiles with one eye open. He's so fucking lovely. 

"Morning," He rasps, peering up at Louis. He pulls the blanket further up his shoulder and snuggles back in, throwing an arm over Louis' lap. 

"Morning, Hazza," Louis smiles. 

Harry hums as Louis rakes a hand through his tangled curls. "Love you." 

Louis' heart grows ten sizes as he says, "I love you, too." 

They spend the morning in bed, cuddled under blankets and sipping tea. It isn't until Niall stumbles in, looking like shit, and tells them both to put some clothes on so they can eat breakfast. Harry cooks them all a traditional English, much to Niall's delight, only in his boxers, to Louis' delight. They all eat, chatting away about last night and listening to Niall's stories of what exactly went on. Harry runs a foot up Louis' calf, and Louis smiles, playing footsie back. It's cute; they're cute. 

 

When Niall leaves, they cuddle on the couch and turn on old movies, both content to never move again. Louis texts his mum and tells her Happy New Year, letting her know he's fine. He gets a notification from Instagram, opening it once he sees it's from Harry.

It's a picture that they took a few days ago, Harry looming over Louis' shoulder and kissing his cheek, Louis smiling like a loon. He captioned it, _Happy New Year from us xx._ The meaning behind has Louis' heart soaring. They're an us. And they're telling the world about it. He peers over at Harry, who's already looking at him and smiling. 

"H," He breathes, his own grin on his lips. "Are we, like, official?" 

Harry lets out a laugh, taking Louis' hand in his. "I'd sure hope so, I've already professed my love to the world."

"Oh, Harry!" Louis squeals dramatically, throwing himself at his new boyfriend and tickling him profusely. "You like me! You really like me!" 

Harry makes a very inhuman sound below him, begging Louis to stop tickling him through his laughter. Louis doesn't until Harry ends up pinning him down, attacking him with kisses that turn heated quickly. Louis thinks that he could probably just stay here, with Harry, forever in their own little bubble. 

Later, after Harry sinks into him slowly, both of them cuddling and sweat-sticky afterwards, when he has a naked Harry in his arms again, he pulls up his own Instagram. He posts the picture Zayn had taken and captions it, _Boyfriend!_

And then, secretly, for his eyes only, he snaps a shot of Harry as he sleeps on Louis' chest, curls mussed and breaths slow, a serene look on his face. 

When Harry sees his post, he hugs him tight, promising to never let go.

And this time, Louis believes him. 

**-**

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come visit me on my [tumblr!](http://rimminharry.tumblr.com//)


	12. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cry with me.

The past six months of Louis' life have been spent readjusting to life in London with his family and friends. He'd accepted the job alongside Niall, which happens to be a restaurant and Louis is complete shit at cooking, which is what Niall had tried to start him off with, but he can serve tables like no other. It's very high end and very nice and Louis makes _very_ good tips. All the lads still get together every weekend and Sundays have easily turned into brunch day, now spent at Liam and Zayn's. The only thing different is that Louis finds himself in the middle of planning a wedding that will be taking place in two months and there's just _so much_ left to do. 

There's flowers, cake, music, RSVPS, seating, fittings, _vows_ , and Louis is fine. Really, he's fine. He just can't breathe. 

"Lou?" 

Louis spins around and meets Harry's bright green eyes that are brimming with concern. Immediately, he wants to wipe away the little worry line that's creased between his brows and kiss his forehead, just to make him smile. Harry's been too sweet, Louis thinks. Especially considering he's knee deep in matrimony, too.

"Yeah, babe?" Louis smiles easily, walking over to Harry where he's stood in the kitchen entrance and placing a hand on his shoulders, smoothing his shirt. 

Harry kisses his hair and sighs, "Are you all right?" 

"Never better. Why, are you?" It's Louis' turn to be concerned as he peers up at Harry, small tilt to his lips. 

It's just. Harry's always putting Louis before himself, always making sure Louis is okay and sated before taking care of his own feelings, or not taking care of his feelings at all and it just, it worries Louis. He wants Harry to always, always be happy. So now, as he gazes up at him, taking in the way Harry's own lips have tilted down, the way there's a permanent furrow between his brows, Louis thinks he isn't okay.

Harry hums, pulling Louis in to his chest and wrapping his arms tight around him. He rocks them back and forth as he says, "Just stressed." 

Louis closes his eyes, listens to Harry's heart beat against his ear. "I know, babe," He murmurs. "It'll all get sorted." 

They stay like that for what feels like an eternity, but not long enough. Harry finally pulls back and smiles down at Louis, but it's strained. "I love you, Lou." 

Louis places a kiss to Harry's jaw, attempting to soothe him. "I love you, sweetheart." 

 

**-**

 

As much as Louis loves weddings, and Louis _really loves_ weddings, he's beginning to think this one's driving him a bit mad. There's so much to do and not enough time and he wishes the engagement hadn't of happened so quickly, wedding plans so soon after. It all feels like a whirlwind, one thing happening after another and it's all a bit much at times. But he isn't going anywhere. He's here and he's going to see this through, make sure it's the best day for everyone involved. And as stressed out as Louis is, Zayn tops it easily. 

"It's just, the cake has to be a certain kind, Lou. Y'know I'm off gluten until after the wedding. And the flowers, _God_. Liam and I can't even decide on fucking flowers. The tuxs' aren't going to be ready, I bet. And Harry has to be a fucking giant, I swear. His is taking so much time to tailor and fix and it's just-" 

Louis stops him, pulls him in to a hug and effectively shuts him up. "Breathe, babe." He mumbles into his hair, running a soothing hand down his back. 

"It's just _so much_ , Louis," Zayn whimpers pitifully and this is easily his tenth breakdown in two weeks. Louis doesn't blame him, not at all. He hadn't realized exactly how much goes in to wedding planning until now and it almost makes him want to elope whenever it's his time. Which is another thing he's been thinking about; his own wedding. But, that's for another time. Now, Zayn is the situation at hand. And making sure he can hold it together the next two months before they send him and Liam off on their surprise honeymoon to Cabo. 

"How about this: you take a break, yeah? Go and visit your mum and the girls, take some you time. I'll get everything sorted here, all right?" Louis suggests, pulling back from Zayn and holding his gaze. 

Zayn's hesitant, biting on his lip. "I don't know..." He trails, but Louis' already up and grabbing Zayn's keys. 

He holds them out for him, brow raised. "Go on, then. I've got everything under control here." 

Zayn stands, taking his keys and giving Louis another bone crushing hug as he whispers his thank yous over and over. 

Louis smiles. "Ah, 's what I'm here for, innit? This is what a best man does." He says softly, opening the door for Zayn.

"Lou, really, _thank you_ -" 

"If you thank me one more time I'll have to kick you in the balls, Malik." 

Zayn smirks, shaking his head and finally making his exit. After closing the door, Louis spins around in Zayn and Liam's flat, eyeing the mass amounts of papers spread out on the table. There's magazines, each with different pictures and articles circled in red, there are swatches of fabric and a florist magazine but Louis isn't sure why they even need that since Liam is a florist, but. There are a few different pictures of cake ideas Zayn's printed and all got little notes scribbled at the bottom. There's an invitation and thank you cards, envelopes and stamps. A list of dos and donts, though some are a little out there. There's a notepad with multiple artists and bands written on it, names of DJs along with a list of local bands because Liam and Zayn apparently don't know if they want a DJ or a live band. There's a list of every name of every person and guest whose RSVP'd and next to it, a seating chart that isn't even near finished. 

Louis sighs, rubbing his temples before taking a seat at the table and pulling up the easiest thing. He makes calls to every DJ on the list, writing prices down next to their names and then he does the same with bands. He deduces a band might be cheaper, but that's up for Zayn's disposal. The next thing he does is fill in the half-finished seating chart, having already gone over the outline of what Zayn had in mind for it. He flips through magazines, writing on a blank piece of paper his own thoughts of what he thinks would go well with Zayn's theme. By the time he's finished, it's nearing eight o'clock and a call from Harry is what pulls him out of his wedding haze. 

He startles at the ring tone, Elton John's Your Song, and sets his green pen down to retrieve it. 

He smiles at the picture on the screen, him and Harry, Niall in the background making an obscene gesture, before answering. "Hey, babe." 

"Hey," Harry breathes. "How is it going?" 

Louis sighs, scrubs a hand down his face and says, "'S not easy. I sent Zayn off hours ago." 

"Lou," Harry laughs. "You can't do that! It's _his_ wedding." 

Louis smiles. "Yeah, well. He's stressed. Had to get him out of the flat before he combusted." 

Harry laughs again, breezy and light and Louis' heart feels warm at the sound. "Liam's the same. God, they're a mess." 

"Proper made for each other." 

Harry hums through the line, quiet, before he says, "You think we'll be like that? For like, our own wedding? I don't want to stress; I wanna enjoy it. Wanna enjoy you." 

Louis' heart rabbits at the thought, slow smile on his face. "I don't know, H. I think there's stress with every wedding. But I think this one happened so quick, and maybe that's the reason it's so tense. Maybe we'll take our time, be engaged for a bit before easing into it together. I think it'll come easily, long as I'm with you." 

"I love you," Harry says quietly, voice soft and innocent. 

"I love you more, H," Louis murmurs. And God, he does. He loves him so much. It's stunning, sometimes, how deeply in love he is with Harry. It hits him like a ton of bricks every once in awhile, stopping him in his tracks as he thinks about how far they've come. 

But it's easy with Harry. It's always been so easy. Easy to forgive Harry and easy to forgive himself, easy to fall right back into love with him. Easy to be. Just be, with Harry by his side as a quiet but steady support. 

 

**-**

 

"I just don't know about the theme," Liam mumbles, eyes raking over different color schemes as he sits across from Louis and Harry. Zayn's out with Niall, looking into the bands Louis had suggested. They're in Harry's flat. Well, Louis and Harry's flat. Louis moved in two months ago; his whole closet smushed right in with Harry's, his shampoo and body wash sat on the edge of the tub, hugging Harry's own and it's a lovely thing to wake up to everyday. 

The colors in front of Liam are a rusty orange, an olive green and a dark brown. His brows are furrowed, looking a bit like caterpillars, and he's staring a hole into the paper. Louis will admit, it isn't the best color scheme, but this is what Liam and Zayn had decided on weeks ago. The two of them are as indecisive as ever and it's a bit maddening. Louis squeezes Harry's hand under the table, earning a squeeze back. 

"What is it you don't like, Li?" Harry asks gently. 

Liam shakes his head a bit, eyes peering up from the paper finally. "Um, I don't know. The-the orange, maybe?" 

Louis hums, reaching across the table and picking up the orange swatch. He sets it down, eyeing the olive green and brown before picking up a dark purple, setting it next to them where the orange was. "How's this?" 

Liam takes it in, mulling it over before nodding slowly, features less tense. "'S good, better, maybe." 

Harry tilts his lips upward slightly, smiling at Louis secretively. "Anything else?" 

"What about Zayn? Won't he be mad if I, like, don't like the colors?" Liam asks, the picture of worry and guilt. 

Louis shakes his head, eyes soft as he says, "Li, babe, Zayn wants you to be happy, too. I think that whatever you decide, he'll love. He loves _you_ , Liam. Changing one color in the scheme won't diminish that." 

Liam smiles then, eyes lighting a little. "You're probably right." 

"I always am." 

Harry snorts next to him, earning an elbow to the ribs. The air around them all is sufficiently calmed, Liam finally laughing after another long day of wedding planning. 

 

**-**

 

Harry brings up marriage exactly one month before Liam and Zayn's wedding. They're looking over the venue again, discussing the whereabouts of everything, Liam and Zayn hand in hand as they listen to the man drone on about it all. Harry, Louis and Niall all tagged along because the five of them can't do anything alone and it's going well so far. The venue the two have chosen is Rufford Old Hall, because it's the location of Batman circa Christian Bale's mansion. It's nerdy and it's perfect. Louis loves them both so much and he's elated that they've found each other. They both deserve endless happiness together, he thinks. They're walking along the grounds, Louis and Harry at the back of their small group, hands intertwined. 

Harry leans over a bit and whispers, "What do you think?" 

Louis turns, arches a brow. "About?"

"This place," Harry says, motioning his hand around. 

"I think it's perfect for them." Louis answers, shrugging. 

Harry nods. "I agree." 

Louis smiles, turns back to whatever the man is saying now about the grounds. 

"I think I'd rather like somewhere _different_." Harry mumbles. 

Louis turns to him again, brows furrowed. "Different like how?" 

Harry hums, biting his lip before he says, "Somewhere unique to us, like this is for them. Somewhere intimate, maybe. Maybe outside." 

Louis takes this information in, picturing in his head an outdoor, woodsy wedding with Harry. He ignores the way it makes his stomach swoop. "Maybe, yeah." 

"What about you?" Harry asks as they start walking again. 

Louis thinks for a moment. "I rather like the idea of an outdoor wedding, but like, in the woods. Or maybe at a music hall. Somewhere small, just a few close friends and family." 

He glances up at Harry and sees he's biting his lip, something swirling in his green eyes Louis hasn't seen before. It makes him nervous but somehow excited. He isn't sure what's going through Harry's head right now, but he thinks he has an inkling. And God, does it make him want to cry and laugh and kiss him so hard. 

"I like that idea too, Lou." Harry says quietly, squeezing his hand. 

They're quiet the rest of the time, but Louis' mind is screaming. All he can think about anymore is his own wedding. Constant pictures of Harry in a tux, Harry placing a ring on his finger, slow dancing with Harry at their wedding. It's insane, mental and completely absurd seeing as how they haven't been together for long and considering their past but. It isn't like their entire relationship has been _normal_. Louis knows Harry, he love Harry and it isn't like they won't be together the rest of their lives anyways. With all of the wedding planning going on, it almost makes Louis ache to plan his own wedding. He thinks Harry's feeling the same exact way. 

 

**-**

 

"Niall's been ordained." Is the first thing Louis hears waking up on Saturday morning. There's two weeks until the wedding and everyone is on edge. 

He rubs his eyes, sits down at the table and furrows his brows at Harry. "What?" 

Harry nods from where he's at at the stove, cooking them breakfast in his pink apron. His curls are up and there are glasses perched on his nose. He's absolutely lovely and Louis is so fucking in love. "Yeah, I guess he's officiating the wedding." Harry smiles a little at that, scoops some eggs onto a plate. 

Louis watches him, the way he moves around the kitchen, the way they've fallen into such an easy flow. Harry puts a plate down in front of Louis, who kisses his cheek and thanks him endlessly, and sits his own down across from Louis. "That's actually pretty cool." Louis comments, taking a bite of eggs. 

Harry hums, chewing his own bite before he says, "I asked if he'd do ours. Y'know, whenever." 

Louis stares at him for a moment, glass of orange juice frozen in his hand. He swallows. "Oh?" 

"Yeah," Harry says casual as ever, scooping a fork-full of his food. He peers up at Louis. "Thought it'd be more, I don't know, intimate that way. To have someone so close to us doing that for us. And like, neither of us are really religious, right? So, 's perfect."  

Louis nods, finally able to control his body. "God, yeah. Yeah, Haz. That'd be really nice." 

Harry grins full force at Louis then and the world is brighter, Louis thinks. He wants to see that smile for the rest of his life, he thinks. "Think I'd like a summer wedding." Harry says next. 

Louis nods, taking a sip of his juice. "I always thought fall." 

"I'd be happy whenever, truthfully." Harry smiles. 

"Weather here is so finicky, though. What if we get rained on?" Louis asks, pretending this is a real thing, that they're actually discussing a wedding that is really going to happen and not something hypothetical. 

Harry pauses, places a hand on his chin and taps his finger and Louis has never wanted to kiss him more than he does now. "Well, that's just a risk we'll have to take. Nothing stands in my way, not even mother nature." 

Louis snorts, shaking his head. "We'll see if you're still saying that when it's pouring all over our poor guests." 

Harry grins. "I'd go through rain and snow just to marry you, Lou." 

Louis pretends his heart doesn't stutter at the sincerity written across Harry's face. Instead, he tosses a fork-full of eggs at him, starting a food fight that ends up with them naked on the kitchen floor, Harry taking him all the way down his throat. 

 

**-**

 

The night of the rehearsal is as tense as Louis had expected. Zayn and Liam are both on edge, snapping more than once, but everyone takes it gracefully. Zayn only cries once through the whole thing and Louis takes him out for a drink later. It's his bachelor party, really, but Liam's here too. Harry and Niall are at the bar getting drinks and some of their old friends are all around. The two have already stated they don't want to get too fucked up tonight, because a hangover on their wedding day isn't ideal. It's understandable, Louis thinks. 

"Lads!" Niall bounds over to the table, beers in hand and a bright smile on his face. Harry trails behind, smile equally as bright. He sets Louis' drink in front of him and slides into the booth next to him, throwing an arm over his shoulder. Niall scoots in next to him and raises his beer. "To the soon-to-be newlyweds!" 

"Cheers!" Harry laughs next to him, clinking his pint with everyone else and smiling at Louis. 

"We're all so happy for you lot." Louis puts in, looking to Zayn and Liam. He will not cry. Crying is for tomorrow. 

"Thanks, Lou," Zayn says, his eyes already brimming. Liam pulls him in tight to his chest and they both laugh a little. It's sweet, Louis thinks. 

"And also," Niall turns, facing Harry and Louis, sly smile on his face. "To the soon-to-be engaged!" 

Liam chuckles across from them, Zayn smirking and lifting his own glass. Louis gapes, laughing and shaking his head but raising his glass nonetheless. Harry squeezes his shoulder, grinning like mad when they all toast. 

When they're all sufficiently buzzed, they stumble out onto the streets, hailing cabs. Louis and Harry climb into their own after hugging everyone goodbye, and Louis lays his head on Harry's shoulder. 

"Harry Tomlinson," He mumbles into Harry's neck. "Has a nice ring to it." 

Harry laughs, nodding. "'S what I've always thought. Would love to have your last name." 

Louis hums, kissing Harry's neck. "We should get married, Hazza." 

He feels Harry tense a little, his pulse picking up where Louis' kissing him. "Lou, you're drunk." 

Louis shakes his head, closing his eyes and finishing up the lovebite on Harry's neck before he says, "Wanna marry you, Harry. Gonna marry you so hard." 

Harry lets out a startled laugh, squeezing Louis in closer and kissing his head. "I'd like that, babe." 

Louis clings to Harry that night as Harry sinks into him, begging for more and faster, letting Harry take him for all he's got. He comes with a shout, cuddling close to Harry after they're cleaned up. As he drifts off, all he can think about is how honest he was being in the cab. 

 

**-**

 

Louis stands next to Zayn at the front of the room, all eyes zoned in on them as Louis hands him the ring. Harry is across from them, black tux fitting like a glove and watery smile on his lips as he does the same for Liam. They lock eyes for a second, Louis sending him a private smile, before turning back to Zayn and Liam. Their vows are beautiful and Louis has to wipe his eyes profusely as they finish up, Niall announcing with the biggest smile ever that they may now kiss. Everyone cheers for them, equally as teared up as he was. It's lovely and sweet and Louis is so, so happy for his best mates. He watches as they walk back down the aisle together, grinning with their hands interwoven. He and Harry walk down next, Niall behind them, their own hands locked. He sends his mum a small smile, earning a wink back. 

The reception is held in a large dining area of the mansion, decorated with strings of light that reflect off of the shiny floors. The band is playing something softly in the background as Louis watches Zayn and Liam dance. 

"I love them," Harry says from next to him. He's watching them with a hint of awe in his eyes. 

"Me too," Louis replies, smiling. 

"Lou," Harry murmurs, grabbing his hand. 

Louis turns to him, taking in the way Harry looks in this light. His hair is down, curling at his shoulder, green eyes darkened. He's beautiful, so painfully gorgeous. He takes Louis' breath away when he brings his hand up to his mouth and kisses his knuckles. 

He holds Louis' gaze as he says, "I want to marry you." 

"I want that too, Haz," Louis breathes. He can't look away, stuck in some sort of trance that's caused by the mood of the room, the music in the background. 

"Louis, marry me." Harry says, any hint of laughter missing in his tone. His eyes are sincere and serious, staring straight into Louis' soul like he always has. 

Louis sucks in a breath, eyes watering slightly. "Harry, we don't even have a ring." 

Harry shakes his head, leaning in a little more. "Louis, I don't care. We can get one. Marry me, Lou." 

Louis chokes back a sob and nods his head, squeezing Harry's hand. "Yes, of course, Haz. _God_ , Harry. Yes." 

Harry smiles, his own eyes filling. He brings his hands to Louis' face and pulls him in, kissing him softly just as the music around them dies out as Zayn and Liam's dance finishes, applause roaring. 

Louis thinks that in any life, in any situation, he'd always choose Harry. 

Always. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again thank you to everyone whose supported this fic and stayed with me through this monster. I truly appreciate everyone. Who knows, there may be a part two at some point.


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